[white folk]
i went to the verizon store, to get a new phone battery. there were 2 employees there. one was sitting with a family lookin like she was gonna take a lot of time. the other was at the register finishing up with this white lady.
ah the dreaded white lady. i automatically KNEW this was gonna take a while. why? if theres one thing i know, old white ladies love to talk.
like when i work at my parents cleaners, and a white lady comes in…i automatically knew. its time to have a one on one session with dr larry.
why do white folk talk so much? specifically to cleezy, tara, dap, skinny-version-of-espn’s-mark-schlereth-look-a-like, why is that?
like she was talking about why she needed a new phone, what happened to her old one, what kind of phones her family have, her car, her laptop…Literally all that shit.
ronnie put it perfectly: masters of small talk, masters of water cooler talk.
white ladies love to talk as much as asian ladies like to buy big ass cars they can’t drive worth shit. good analogy? hell yeah.
so this lady turns around to see if theres anybody in line.
we make direct eye contact. like there couldn’t have been anymore eye contact. she turns back around, and continues to talk.
do i look like a fuckin employee here?
AND THEN!
she asks him to teach her how to use her phone. she looks like shes around 45-50. and i’m thinkin “maybe she doesn’t have any kids around here to teach her how to use a smart phone”
and i’m like OHH my gahd this lady is taking forever.
THEN i find out its a FUCKIN FLIP PHONE!!!! like have you NEVER had a phone before lady? ITS 2012 GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
and finally shes done, and leaves.
took about 40 minutes of my life.
i walk up to the worker.
me: i need a new battery for my phone.
employee: i’m sorry we don’t sell batteries here.
i was soooo annoyed. if there was a table there, i would’ve thought about flippin it over. not actually doing it cause that would be rude and unecessary.
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my friends have issues
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tommy the bear.
have a great weekend everybody
k i love you bye
::]
[a virus, and a story about a girl]
sorry i’ve been MIA folks.
my work computer had a virus last week. started off with a couple. when i got my computer back, the techie told me i had 32. i was in a meeting with my boss…
bozz: man, how you manage to get so many damn viruses? thats like an accomplishment.
me: haha just couldn’t stop lookin at gay porn
bozz: ……….
me: …ha…….ha
lesson of the day: know your fuckin audience.
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story about a girl
a few months ago my mom told me to someone might move in with my parents for a little bit until they find a place. i was thinking okay. the other day i went to my room to grab some of my dry cleaning and some summer clothes.
mother: STOP!!!!!
me: what
mother: someone lives there now
me: what?! in my room??? what about my stuff?
mother: um…yeah shes living here until she finds a place.
so turns out my moms close friends’ godmothers daughter or something like that needed a place to stay cause she just moved here.
me: uh you coulda told me before so i coulda cleaned out my shizz!
mother: you mean your video games, comic books and toys?
me: no, my clothes. and theyre not toys, theyre figurines that i painted myself. i dont play with them.
mother: in the other room. do you want to meet her?
me: yeah but–
mother: christine!! my sons here!
me: WTF
no answer.
mother: CHRISTINE. CHRISTINE!!
me: shes busy, ima just take my shit and leave! i’ll meet her another time.
christine: uhh….yes?
mother: wanna meet my son?
christine: i’m in the bathroom…
mother: say hi!
christine: uhhh HI. i’ll be out in a couple minutes.
i think at this point we’re both mortified.
and im thinking omg, my mom is introducing us while shes probably in the middle of taking a shit. or shes not taking a shit, but shes probably already assuming that i think that shes being introduced to her while shes taking a shit. and its not like she can just walk out and say “hey i wasn’t talking to you for the first time ever while ttaking a shit.”
she comes out all frazzled.
we exchange pleasantries, say hi and all that shit. this whole time i wondered if she was gonna be hot. she is not. nor is she cute. but awfully nice girl though. pretty nerdy and definitely not shy. she used to work for….guess? GOOGLE. WTF!!! she went to welseslely or whatever in boston, move to san fran to work for google. and then she quit, to work for a small catholic minsitry! WTF! who. DOES. THAT.
me: well it was nice meeting you. do you know anybody here?
christine: no, actually i dont!
me (thinking gahd damn it): oh well hey let me get your number and i’ll show you around sometime
christine: cool!
i then went for a handshake. and we started shaking hands.
christine: aw shucks i’m a hugger!
me: ha…
and then she went for a hug! but while shaking hands, which turned into more of a bro hug. you can’t bro hug a girl cause your tapping your forearm against the chest! but she went for it anyway. gahd that was weird.
went to a crucially good school, worked for a company that basically rules the world, and dropped all that shit to work for a catholic ministry in ASHBURN FUCKING VIRGINIA. girl doesn’t look like shes ever smoked, snorted, injected or drank anything in her life. my mom just had her arm around her the whole time. i think this is the kid my mom always wanted.
my sister is smart, pretty, but also moved away, mean as shit, and parties.
i help out at chuch, ridiculously good looking, good with people, but i live a reckless lifestyle and i didn’t go to an ivy league school.
this girl is anti-larrymary. my sister and i have been fighting each other for our parents affection for 27 years. this girl won it in 28 hours.
we have a common enemy on our hands now.
but she seems like a very nice girl.
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vote for my boy, CHARLES HAN. there is a poll on the right side of the page when you scroll down.
http://www.monkeedesign.com/industrial-design-blog/2012/5/21/designer-of-the-week-vote.html
okay i love you buhbye
