this friday i had my company holiday party. good shit, i got drunk as fuck. i recently picked up drinking scotch. not gonna lie, i just picked up in the summer. and not like early summer. its pretty recent, but i do enjoy it. so thats what i was drinking at the party. i became the-guy-who-people-dont-know-to-call-larry-or-lawrence to “the scotch guy.” 5 turned into about 8, but i still kept my composure. however, the biggest snafu came when i was outside smoking a cigarette. my coworker (white girl) brought her black boyfriend. dude was a brother. nothing wrong with that. i only wish i acted like nothing was wrong with that. lol. it just totally caught me off guard cause i really did not expect that.
mulli (coworker): ay larry this is my boyfriend [insert average american name here, but i acted as if i heard the name DaQuan or something]
her boyfriend: hey whatsup man nice to meet you
insert freakishly awkward moment here. im pretty sure he thought “what the fuck”
it was like a phil dunphy moment from modern family. gahd. might as well have done this.
- high five wait nvm.
on saturday i worked at my dads cleaners. i was hungover as fuck. there was a moment where i was just doin my work, when a lady and her 3 kids walked in. one of my dads workers, lisa, gave the kids some candy. while lisa was talking to the mom, one of the boys was fuckin around, and the candy fell out of his mouth.
he looked at me.
i looked at him.
he looked at his candy, that was on the dirty ass floor.
without losing eye contact, he crouched down to pick it back up.
i gave him the “oh man are you gonna really eat that?” look, instead of the “NO DONT DO IT” look. i know i shouldve actually SAID something, like “excuse me lady, your kids about to eat candy from a floor that hasn’t been sweeped or mopped since i was in the 3rd grade.” but didn’t. now, if he was picking up a razor blade, or a shard of glass to put in his mouth, i woulda said something. but nope.
and yep. he did it. i gave him the “OH MAN you actually did it. good for you kid” look.
i am not a man that judges a person, whether man/lady, by his or her looks. overtime i’ve come to realize that the phrase “true beauty comes within” is true.
but lets jump to the beginning of the tale. i went half out saturday, which means i stayed in annandale. i don’t ever consider going to annandale “out.” the day i consider going to annandale as “out,” hopefully i’ll have a kid (and hopefully not have about 7 cats). anyways, i went half out, and for the sake of judgmental eyes, i’ll say i met up J, and C.
as soon as i walked in, i saw a girl. a girl, with her friend. i then realized that i foolishly mistaken what i had thought was her friend, with what just appeared to be her gargantuan nose. you know, in 6th grade i remember sitting there in ms wilson’s class. the word we were learning from our spelling book was the word “gargantuan.” i remember i was bullshitting with a fellow classmate of mine and complaining about the fact that “there will never be a moment in my life where i will find the word gargantuan” useful.
well miss wilson, 16 years later, i apologize for my comments.
her nose was freakin huge. u know how if you sit/stand directly behind someone, you shouldn’t be able to see any facial features? well this nose goes against that theory. i thought to myself, oh man, am i the only one that notices this? luckily i wasn’t the only guy with asshole thoughts.
C: ay man! you see that nose?! its huge!!!
J: yeah oh my gahd..
me: i know…holy shit…i can’t…stop….staring…
C: its so freakin BI–
J: SHHHHHHH!!! GUYS. SHUT UP. SHE CAN SMELL US TALKING!!
next came the
“no wonder its hard to breathe. shes sniffing up all the oxygen.”
“i bet you she knows what we had for lunch”
“her nose has a constant erection”
“GOOOD LAWD she mustve told a lot of lies”
we then shared a chuckle or two. how unfortunate. she had nice hair, decent eyes and probably is really nice. i know. we’re mean boys. but admit it. you smirked a little when you read what J said.
i don’t believe in cosmetic surgery.i really don’t. i believe people look perfect the way they are. even i have a FEW flaws here and there. but man, a little work on the nose could probably do wonders.
u know that song by n sync “god must’ve spent a little more time on you”? well i saw the girl who was on the losing end of him spending more time on somebody else.
holy shit that was mean.
i feel really bad about that, but i rarely think of clever insults. to make myself feel better, lets say it wasn’t abotu that girl. lets say it was about hitler or something.
have a good day yall.
yesterday goose, jason and i were talking about random shizz, something from the past came up. in high school, whenever jason got drunk he used to get in the habit of getting naked. i dont know why. like it just happened. i remember the first time we got drunk i walked outside to get something, and i walked back in to brian laughing his ass off and jason is just standing there butt naked. and somehow his mom found out about it.
tommy: HAHAHAHAHAH remember in high school before you went out your mom had to lecture you on “not getting naked when you’re drunk?”
jason: it was only like a few times
LOL. A FEW TIMES IS TOO MANY.
yesterday i picked up my harmony (gramma) and went to reston to meet up some family and have dinner. my harmony doesn’t go out much, especially to reston. theres only one thing she knows: my aunt lives in reston. she swears she knows how to get there.
so every road we passed she kept saying
harmony: thas how you get to your aunts house
me: no its not
harmony: are you sure?
me: yeah im sure. we’re still in centreville
she was like a little kid with no direction wehre to go. after every road…
harmony: your aunt lives there
me: no she doesn’t
and its friday. happy birthday to the world.
k i love you byer
i went to the verizon store, to get a new phone battery. there were 2 employees there. one was sitting with a family lookin like she was gonna take a lot of time. the other was at the register finishing up with this white lady.
ah the dreaded white lady. i automatically KNEW this was gonna take a while. why? if theres one thing i know, old white ladies love to talk.
like when i work at my parents cleaners, and a white lady comes in…i automatically knew. its time to have a one on one session with dr larry.
why do white folk talk so much? specifically to cleezy, tara, dap, skinny-version-of-espn’s-mark-schlereth-look-a-like, why is that?
like she was talking about why she needed a new phone, what happened to her old one, what kind of phones her family have, her car, her laptop…Literally all that shit.
ronnie put it perfectly: masters of small talk, masters of water cooler talk.
white ladies love to talk as much as asian ladies like to buy big ass cars they can’t drive worth shit. good analogy? hell yeah.
so this lady turns around to see if theres anybody in line.
we make direct eye contact. like there couldn’t have been anymore eye contact. she turns back around, and continues to talk.
do i look like a fuckin employee here?
she asks him to teach her how to use her phone. she looks like shes around 45-50. and i’m thinkin “maybe she doesn’t have any kids around here to teach her how to use a smart phone”
and i’m like OHH my gahd this lady is taking forever.
THEN i find out its a FUCKIN FLIP PHONE!!!! like have you NEVER had a phone before lady? ITS 2012 GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
and finally shes done, and leaves.
took about 40 minutes of my life.
i walk up to the worker.
me: i need a new battery for my phone.
employee: i’m sorry we don’t sell batteries here.
i was soooo annoyed. if there was a table there, i would’ve thought about flippin it over. not actually doing it cause that would be rude and unecessary.
my friends have issues
tommy the bear.
have a great weekend everybody
k i love you bye
guest blogger: J.Song
so last weekend, a bunch of us went to merriweather post pavilion for sweetlife, an annual festival of music and food.
planning for saturday’s all day festival began friday night:
hutch: everyone be at larry’s by 10:30 am!!! we have to be there by noon to catch fun.!!! (heard this at least 10 times)
the next morning, im literally speeding on my way to larry’s to avoid napoleon’s wrath. courage and i both get there at 10:30. larry’s ready to go. but of course this fool hutch is nowhere to be found. he finally arrives at 11:45…his excuse: “my parents made me eat breakfast”. bitch, you ever heard of a pop tart?? who the fuck eats an hour long breakfast, especially when it was your idea to meet so early? THE AUDACITY. at this point, we’re like whatever…we grab some micky d’s, hit the atm, and we’re finally on our way. we want to stop by ABC, which is like 2 minutes out of the way, but hutch swears he knows a liquor store in maryland “on the way”, so we reluctantly agree to go there. big mistake…
hutch: look out on the right for a liquor store…should be soon.
at this point, im in serious concentration mode, carefully looking at every store, expecting to see a LIQUOR STORE sign. eventually..
hutch: actually, i doubt theres one there, but keep looking.
me: WTF! you got us looking for something that most likely doesnt even exist?
after 18 U-turns (hutch is the worst navigator in the world), we finally get to a liquor store, get what we need, and then finally end up at merriweather.
for some reason, i thought the plan was to finish whatever we bought at the store BEFORE going into the venue. i crushed 1/5th of black in about 15 minutes.
hutch, courage and larry: WTF
that set the tone for the rest of my day right there.
courage forgot his ticket, so he ended up waiting in the parking lot for like 4+ hours. hutch was MIA, most likely buying beers for underage girls (true story). larry and i were goin SPAM. after a few hours of non stop drinking (and eating), we see a group of people at a picnic table, and a girl is painting everyone’s faces.
larry walks up to the group:
larry: um, can you paint us next?
girl: actually, theres a line over there to get your own paint…
and this was the result:
god…at this point, me and larry are geekin the fuck out. people are coming up and asking to get their faces painted…
me and larry: wtf does this look like, a face painting station (in their defense, thats probably exactly what it looked it). GO WAIT IN LINE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!
after getting our faces painted, we just keep drinking. the rest of our friends finally show up (monica decided to party like it was 1999 the night before), but at this point, larry is DONE.
he eventually wakes up, and right before kid cudi comes on, we decide to try to make it closer to the stage.
we literally cut in front of thousands of suckers waiting in line and we somehow make it to the pit. #LikeABoss
throughout the day, the aroma of marijuana was overwhelming. but when cudi hit the stage, it went to a whole ‘nother level. talk about maui wowie.
cudi was awesome.
avicii was the headliner, and he was cool for the first 10 minutes, but i couldnt really take much more after that. i couldnt find larry and courage, so i just left and went to the car and sat outside.
larry and courage showed up not too much later, then we waited another hour for hutch (story of our lives). all in all, it was a good day. definitely plan on going next year.
til next time,