so one of my coworker, CD, is getting married. she’s a cool white girl. she’s marrying a black guy, but from what i hear, he’s not like black BLACK. like a frat boy. anyways one of my other coworkers, DG, is making a scrapbook, with little messages from everybody in the office. we were supposed to leave a message on a 6 x 8 card.
now i’m not that great with words. and shit, i’m not really great with pictures either. im not really great with anything. i do, however, find myself being mediocre at a lot of things. so i decided to draw and write. 2 mediocres = one good mediocre.
i drew a stick figure of the bride-to-be, and a stick figure of her fiancee. but now the ultimate question.
do i color in his face? i mean for real. think about it. do i? it literally took me 3 days to finish it cause i couldn’t make the decision if i color in his face LOL
but i just turned it in. and they actually thought it was so cute that they put it in the front cover.
so at church this past sunday my harmony was sitting with a bunch of her friends. they all grummas too. i went to my harmony, gave a her a big motherfuckin hug, and talked to her a bit. she told the rest of the grumma that i’m her grandson.
i think since their old they keep forgetting who i am. but then one of the grummas told me to com over to her so i did.
so i went to the grumma, and stood behind her to talk and she grabbed me and pulled me down and made me wrap my arms around her.
cause at that point she was placing my hand on a very unfortunate area.
like right there.
it was so, uncomfortable.
and she just….kept it there. and kept like. tapping it.
so for fathers day i had family stuff and then a dinner with my fam, wallys fam, and friend of the family. the girl there is my sisters god daughter. lets call her vana. shes a funny girl. she is 20 years old. watermelon came out.
me: want some watermelon?
vana: i dont eat watermelon.
wally and i chokes.
vana: i’ve never had it before.
me & wally: WHAT THE FUCK
so its not that she’s allergic or anything. she says watermelon has a certain nasty smell and she doesn’t want to eat it. and we were like it smells like water! it is water! its the best fruit! and when they altered them so they don’t have seeds anymore?! its like using internet. at first, its great. and then seedless is like when cable connection came out. i’m not tryin to get all religious and shit on my blog, but watermelon is one of God’s greatest gifts. remember the days when you were little, you play outside on a hot summer day, and you run inside and your mom has watermelon cut into triangles, and then you just bite the tops off of every one of them cause tahts the sweetest and then your mom yells at you and you get in trouble cause no ones gonna want to eat the rest with some kid biting into all of em?
those were the days.
me&wally: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
vana: i know 4 other kids whos never eaten it before either!
k smell you later i love your bye
sorry i’ve been MIA folks.
my work computer had a virus last week. started off with a couple. when i got my computer back, the techie told me i had 32. i was in a meeting with my boss…
bozz: man, how you manage to get so many damn viruses? thats like an accomplishment.
me: haha just couldn’t stop lookin at gay porn
lesson of the day: know your fuckin audience.
story about a girl
a few months ago my mom told me to someone might move in with my parents for a little bit until they find a place. i was thinking okay. the other day i went to my room to grab some of my dry cleaning and some summer clothes.
mother: someone lives there now
me: what?! in my room??? what about my stuff?
mother: um…yeah shes living here until she finds a place.
so turns out my moms close friends’ godmothers daughter or something like that needed a place to stay cause she just moved here.
me: uh you coulda told me before so i coulda cleaned out my shizz!
mother: you mean your video games, comic books and toys?
me: no, my clothes. and theyre not toys, theyre figurines that i painted myself. i dont play with them.
mother: in the other room. do you want to meet her?
me: yeah but–
mother: christine!! my sons here!
mother: CHRISTINE. CHRISTINE!!
me: shes busy, ima just take my shit and leave! i’ll meet her another time.
mother: wanna meet my son?
christine: i’m in the bathroom…
mother: say hi!
christine: uhhh HI. i’ll be out in a couple minutes.
i think at this point we’re both mortified.
and im thinking omg, my mom is introducing us while shes probably in the middle of taking a shit. or shes not taking a shit, but shes probably already assuming that i think that shes being introduced to her while shes taking a shit. and its not like she can just walk out and say “hey i wasn’t talking to you for the first time ever while ttaking a shit.”
she comes out all frazzled.
we exchange pleasantries, say hi and all that shit. this whole time i wondered if she was gonna be hot. she is not. nor is she cute. but awfully nice girl though. pretty nerdy and definitely not shy. she used to work for….guess? GOOGLE. WTF!!! she went to welseslely or whatever in boston, move to san fran to work for google. and then she quit, to work for a small catholic minsitry! WTF! who. DOES. THAT.
me: well it was nice meeting you. do you know anybody here?
christine: no, actually i dont!
me (thinking gahd damn it): oh well hey let me get your number and i’ll show you around sometime
i then went for a handshake. and we started shaking hands.
christine: aw shucks i’m a hugger!
and then she went for a hug! but while shaking hands, which turned into more of a bro hug. you can’t bro hug a girl cause your tapping your forearm against the chest! but she went for it anyway. gahd that was weird.
went to a crucially good school, worked for a company that basically rules the world, and dropped all that shit to work for a catholic ministry in ASHBURN FUCKING VIRGINIA. girl doesn’t look like shes ever smoked, snorted, injected or drank anything in her life. my mom just had her arm around her the whole time. i think this is the kid my mom always wanted.
my sister is smart, pretty, but also moved away, mean as shit, and parties.
i help out at chuch, ridiculously good looking, good with people, but i live a reckless lifestyle and i didn’t go to an ivy league school.
this girl is anti-larrymary. my sister and i have been fighting each other for our parents affection for 27 years. this girl won it in 28 hours.
we have a common enemy on our hands now.
but she seems like a very nice girl.
vote for my boy, CHARLES HAN. there is a poll on the right side of the page when you scroll down.
okay i love you buhbye