so one of my coworker, CD, is getting married. she’s a cool white girl. she’s marrying a black guy, but from what i hear, he’s not like black BLACK. like a frat boy. anyways one of my other coworkers, DG, is making a scrapbook, with little messages from everybody in the office. we were supposed to leave a message on a 6 x 8 card.
now i’m not that great with words. and shit, i’m not really great with pictures either. im not really great with anything. i do, however, find myself being mediocre at a lot of things. so i decided to draw and write. 2 mediocres = one good mediocre.
i drew a stick figure of the bride-to-be, and a stick figure of her fiancee. but now the ultimate question.
do i color in his face? i mean for real. think about it. do i? it literally took me 3 days to finish it cause i couldn’t make the decision if i color in his face LOL
but i just turned it in. and they actually thought it was so cute that they put it in the front cover.
- when i was young, i wanted to be an actor, or a writer, or a dancer, or a non-kid-touching-version of michael jackson, a comedian, or a ninja. never did i ever, once thought about having a career in information technology. thats why i’m in marketing. LOL.
- i’ve been telling people that i’m 30 for the past 2 months or so. its easier that way. “how old are you?” “29″ “stop kidding yourself you’re 30.” this way its easier.
- every morning when i wake up i get ready and i look in the mirror. and i always think “are you currently the man you wanted to be in your life? and if not what will you do to change that?” it always reminds me of that michael jackson song. thriller.
- i didn’t know how to spell the word “tomorrow” until last year. i blame microsoft for automatically fixing it
- tommy and steve have been my best friends since we were born.
- my biggest enemy is the demon inside me. and a church girl (currently in high school) who once yelled at me and i was so shocked that i had no response. i wouldn’t spit on her if she was on fire. i would dump a bucket of water on her and call 911.
- when i was young, i wanted to move out of my parents house and live with my best friend. and i did exactly that. you may think thats cute, but when you really think about it, its kinda gay.
- the way i talk depends on the atmosphere. i have different personalities and voices for each. kids at church think i talk a little too urban. thats weird, cause i’m from great falls virginia. have you ever fuckin been to great falls virginia
- when i watch nba playoffs or watch march madness, it gets me pumped, and makes me want to play basketball. and thats what i do.
- i still think ima good driver with all the tickets i’ve gotten. the law dont mean shit
- when i tell people i’m playing basketball, i’m usually in my room, playing basketball. on my ps3.
- when people ask me what my favorite type of music is, i say rap and hip hop. that is a motherfuckin lie. its pop. i like boy bands and all that gay ass shit. ill pump that 99.5 shit all day err day.
- i think that if everybody had 5% of a heart like my pops, the world would be at peace
- i have no idea what any of my friends really do. and i don’t care as long as they’re happy.
- my closest black friend is gerald. and he is my only black friend. if you know us, you know that we’re not even close. shit i dont think he even remembers me. but thats just my point. i barely have any. sorry gerald if you read this and feel awkward.
- i prefer being alone during the week, around people on weekend. people tend to think i have to be around people all the time.
- when i’m at jimmy’s (gym) i don’t ever do the same workout as the person next to me cause i dont want them to think i’m copying them
- when i run i listen to slow jams, pop songs, and songs that remind me of bad moments of my life. makes me angry and makes me want to run .
- i have dance moves that will make you fall in love with me. i have a singing voice that will make you shove a pencil in your ear
- the only people who call me “lawrence” are people at work, and some ahjumas at church. and apparently johnhur on my birthday.
- the two people that can make me laugh the most are jason and wally. maria from korea. and sometimes robin
- i like attention, yes i do. and most people know that. but i only like it when i earned it. not given. thats why i dont really like my birthday.
- the worst first impression i ever made to my friends were to roy and bobby. and…i was just…being…myself.
- if you are a girl, and you see that i’m studdering and acting a little awkward, thats because i probably think you’re hot. thats why its so easy to talk to julia. LOLOLOLOL ::)
- i’ve never defriended anybody on facebook, but i found out that i’ve been defriended by plenty. i don’t think its a big deal, i just unsuscribe from their posts. but when they try to friend me again, i dont’ accept it.
- i hate trance/techno music. cept dj sammy.
- i never listen to christian music in my car because bad things always happen to me when i do.
- i help out at my church a lot. but people don’t really know why. to say simply “because i am a man of God,” would be a lie. i can’t really say my faith is strong. and i DEFINITELY can’t say that i have the answers. truth is, its probably the opposite. i’m still learnin, or at least tryin to. this little segment isn’t about my faith, isn’t about my religion. and you’ll never, ever, hear me preach about it. its really about my church. say what you will, but because of my church, i am who i am today. because of my church, i’ve had the VERY RARE opportunity to literally grow up with my best friends along with meeting some amazing people. i was blessed, and i help out because i owe something to it. and to the people who go/did go, think about it. lol and if im wrong, then oops sorry dude.
- my sister and i have had our battles, and we will have plenty more. but i still love her. and the only thing i look forward to on my birthday is what weird-ass-shit she’ll be sending me. this year…. she sent me this.”peace out to your twenties, bro”
- i’m pretty much going to say the same shit i said last year. and i’ll probably say this for the rest of my life cause i do believe its true. people say “you’re getting old dude/man/oppa/hyung/buddy/*igga/son”. that is true, but i think getting old is a blessing. ESPECIALLY with all the crazy shit in this world. sure you can’t really do the same things you did when you were young, and of course you lose some opportunities. but memories are priceless. if u know me, i’ve had a lot of fun, too much fun, with awesome, loving people for the past 30 years. would i trade in a memory to be one year younger?
thanks, sam. memories are priceless, so i’m rich bitch.
i love you all. thank you.
i don’t smoke as much as i used to, and i rarely smoke at work. but today, since it was nice, i smoked half a cigarette after lunch, and threw it in the cigg-butt plastic bin thing. you know what im talking about.
so i’m back at my desk, doing my thing. my coworker, mulli, runs up to me, out of breath, laughing.
mulli: you know what you almost did right
and yeah you guessed it. somehow my cigarette never went out in the bin, and the whole thing just caught on fire. my other coworker was walking by the window, and saw smoke outside. he looked at it. stared at it nonchalantly. he went to mulli. “um yeah, somethings on fire.” for some reason, thats all he did. mulli ran outside and put it out.
i thought that shit was fire proof.
also, this is pretty much what happened.
on easter sunday i went to my parents to chill after church. my plan was to chill there, eat dinner, go home and whatevs. my parents come up to me and tell me “we’re meeting up your aunt for dinner in annandale. so, no dinner together for us.” aw oh well. i’ll just kick it with my grandma-ma and just meet up church folk.
an hour later my parents call me.
pop: your cousin wants to see you
me: oh she’s there? shoulda told me sooner. im on my way out though
pop: just come to the restaurant
so let it be known i’m in my tank top, khakis, whatever. i still go to the restaurant cause that is how immaturely roll. and she is one of the very few cousins i like.
bam my whole family minus my sister the blister, and me. and this stranger. and eveyrbody is dressed nicely. oh dear gahd you guessed it.
pop: this is a engagement dinner. you could’ve at least worn a shirt.
what the hell! someone coulda told me! not only about the engagement, but the engagement dinner in general. however, this was one of those rare occasions where i knew news before my sister. so i texted her the story of how our parents didn’t tell me about the dinner. and her text back:
sister: whoa whoa whoa. why would you wear a tank top to anywhere
she kinda missed the whole point of my story.
this is like that time, where i came home from vcu one day, and tommy and steve are talking about my cousins wedding, while i was thinking
-wait, she’s engaged? wait, she got married? wait, my family went? wait, yall went? wait, so my whole family went, including my friends, but no one thought of telling me about it?
so as some of you may know, this girl, has been living in my room at my parents house. her name is tina. she is my mom’s friend’s cousin’s whatever the hell i dont know the relationship but case in point, she’s living at my parents house, in my room, with all my comics. shes pretty much the offspring my parents always wanted, kinda. ivy league school, fluent in english and korean, worked for google, left all that to work for the catholic church, and super religoius. shes not pretty though. and pretty nerdy. but after a while, i think my parents realized that having a super studious “perfect” kid wasn’t all that great, cause she’s boring as HELL. this is what she looks like
so shes moving back to seattle, and my mom wanted to have a goodbye dinner for her. so i walk in the restaurant, and theres a chinese dude next to tina. apparently he’s a “friend” of hers. i sit next to her, and she, for some odd reason, explains to me why the hell we’re having dinner together as a “family.” she then thanks me, for letting her use my room. which is sweet, but then she puts her hands together in praying form, and bows to me, while we’re sitting down. like how the fuck am i supposed to respond to that? bow back? anyways, the thing about tina is, she always makes me feel like shit.
“you should hang out with your gramma more.” (i do go see her, probably not as much as i should, but i do see her often. unlike my piece of shit cousins. yeah i said it)
“you shouldn’t smoke”
“you shouldn’t be late to church”
“you shouldn’t HAVE ANY FUN WHATSOEVER” (she didn’t really say that, but you get it)
im sure its not her intention because she IS somewhat nice, but i just get the feeling she doesn’t think ima good guy. like the devil’s son or something. i can honestly say that she doesn’t like me as a person.
why do i say that? so here’s the meat of the story. this is something my sister, julia, narae+ allyson/juniorgirls wouldn’t even do. and my sister has done some crazy jokes on me in the past. so we’re eating dinner and i joke around.
me: did you get to read any of my awesome comics while you were living in my room? i have the whole calvin and hobbes collection! hahaha
tina: um, aren’t you almost 30? what are you doing with those?
me: hey tina, go fuck yourself.
sike i didn’t really say that, but thats what i was thinking.
so dinner is over, and my mom and her are done lecturing about my smoking. my pop is talking to tina’s male friend. in korean. i dont think my pop got the memo that he doens’t speak korean, cause he’s freakin chinese. and suddenly…
tina: OMG i want a family picture!!
mom: okay lets!!!
pop: mmhmm sure
i hate taking pictures with my family, because it becomes an ordeal. thats another story for another time.
but anyways, fuck it i’ll just take one, get it over with so i can say bye to this girl and go home.
tina: okay let me take a photo of just you two (my parents)
she takes a photo of them.
tina: okay ima sit with them (my parents). chinese guy (iforgotherfriendsname), can you take one of us?
mom: okay larry you get in this too
me: sigh fine
tina: how about you sit this one out?
tina: i’ll take one with them first, and then you can jus jump in later
what the fuck? she literally said that. i was actually texting my sister the play-by-play cause i was so shocked. “jump in” like ima photobomb, a family picture. apparently, this “family” includes my parents, and HER. and some straggly ass guy named larry. oh but it gets better.
they take about 4 of the same damn shot. i mumble “wow…what a big happy fuckin family.” that one i really said. my mom waves me to come in.
tina signals me to stop.
tina: wait we’re gonna take a couple more.
so they take about 3 more.
tina takes her phone. my mom and her look at the photos.
tina: wow! these came out great!
tina puts her phone in her pocket.
tina: okay we can go home now.
what. the. fuck.
hey tina, i didn’t want to get in that picture anyway. but before you go, i hope you read this, and see this.
so i work with a bunch of chemical engineers, and a lot of them aren’t american citizens. most of them are from india. one of the engineers, lets call him kaly, is my age.
my manager is on vacation, and a client is visiting. before my boss left, he told me “hey, since i’m going to be gone, can you take kaly and the client to dinner? you know the normal wine and dine stuff.” i said “sure.”
so later that day, i ask the client where he wants to eat. he says “hey man i’m really tired, so lets eat somewhere near my hotel.” i again, agree and ask him whats a nearby place he would like to go to. “i guess olive garden.” i know. olive garden? but again, dudes tired, so i agreed.
me: ay john wants to go to olive garden. guess we’re eating there.
kaly: oh really? i’ve never been to olive garden. im excited. (indian accent)
kaly is real nice guy. my lady coworkers call him a “sweetheart.” so lets remember. he’s from india here on a work visa, doesn’t really go out much, smart as shit, and a really nice guy.
so i order a soup, so does the client. and the waitress brings out the regular salad. if you high class folk never been to olive garden, they give you an unlimited amount of salad and breadsticks, which is to share as they do in “italian” families.
so the waitress hands us our plates and puts the salad bowl in the middle. looked exactly like this.
“i like pepper in my salad.” kaly takes the pepper and sprinkles some. i thought “okay woulda been nice if you asked us first but go ahead man.”
kaly, then takes the bowl moves his plate to the side, and JUST EATS FROM THE BOWL. i kid you not. IMAGINE, a grown ass man, eating salad from a salad bowl. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS NOT TO LAUGH? because thats the biggest mooshikhahn thing he could’ve done. obviously he didn’t know we were supposed to share, but we just stared at him eating the whole damn thing. “oh gosh they give you a lot.”
no shit kaly. it was for all of us.
we don’t say anything because we don’t want to make him feel embarassed.
today after work, i stopped by the mailbox to see what was up.
i saw a package. i automatically thought, hm, what did tommy order? even though i do order a lot of shit online, i knew it wasn’t mine. why? i always ship stuff to my parents house cause i know my gramma is home and she always signs for it.
but strangely, the package said “larry park.”
odd, i thought. i never ordered anything from this company. i curiously opened it up, kinda excited. my excitement was suddenly shot down by creepiness.
what did i find?
a tank top.
with a picture on it.
a picture of me.
who would do this?
at first you think its funny. if a friend did this, thats kind of funny, but kinda weird at the same time. you coulda chose a series of other, less expensive funny items.
at first i thought it was sallie and rachel, whos phone i took to take that picture. it was at the bowling alley about a few months ago. and sallie knows my address. but then after questioning them, they seemed genuinely clueless. and plus, they can’t afford it. and plus i don’t even really talk to them so it would be random. its like me sending a creepy present to….lets say Thana (sorry man, u and i know we don’t really talk much lets agree on that) but thats how weird it would be. theyre in college. and that would be a waste of money. and this isn’t something they would be clevereepy enough to think of.
could it be a promotional gift from the company who produced it?
possible right? hardly. i’ve never ordered anything from them. i dont even have an account with them, so they can’t know my address. and the picture is on my facebook account! they would literally, have to be a fb friend to produce that picture. unless rachel, decided to show the world a picture of me. which is possible, cause lets face it, i’m amazingly good looking.
even if this was done by any of my friends, not many of them know my actual address. they know where i live, but they don’t really know my address. could tommy be in on it? nope. said he has no idea. and we all know tommy is a terrible liar, unless he took acting classes. but why would he spend all that money to play a prank? it would be easier to draw on my face while i was sleeping, or write “i like penis” on my facebook account when i’m not looking.
either way, its weird. especially when i wear it.
funny and weird.
who did this.
come forward now!
fyi, by ANY slim chance this is some kind of weird stalker, lets remember: if you’re gonna get me gift, i like hipster clothes, electronics, alcohol, chocolate, shoes, and cars.
k i love you bye bye
this friday i had my company holiday party. good shit, i got drunk as fuck. i recently picked up drinking scotch. not gonna lie, i just picked up in the summer. and not like early summer. its pretty recent, but i do enjoy it. so thats what i was drinking at the party. i became the-guy-who-people-dont-know-to-call-larry-or-lawrence to “the scotch guy.” 5 turned into about 8, but i still kept my composure. however, the biggest snafu came when i was outside smoking a cigarette. my coworker (white girl) brought her black boyfriend. dude was a brother. nothing wrong with that. i only wish i acted like nothing was wrong with that. lol. it just totally caught me off guard cause i really did not expect that.
mulli (coworker): ay larry this is my boyfriend [insert average american name here, but i acted as if i heard the name DaQuan or something]
her boyfriend: hey whatsup man nice to meet you
insert freakishly awkward moment here. im pretty sure he thought “what the fuck”
it was like a phil dunphy moment from modern family. gahd. might as well have done this.
- high five wait nvm.
on saturday i worked at my dads cleaners. i was hungover as fuck. there was a moment where i was just doin my work, when a lady and her 3 kids walked in. one of my dads workers, lisa, gave the kids some candy. while lisa was talking to the mom, one of the boys was fuckin around, and the candy fell out of his mouth.
he looked at me.
i looked at him.
he looked at his candy, that was on the dirty ass floor.
without losing eye contact, he crouched down to pick it back up.
i gave him the “oh man are you gonna really eat that?” look, instead of the “NO DONT DO IT” look. i know i shouldve actually SAID something, like “excuse me lady, your kids about to eat candy from a floor that hasn’t been sweeped or mopped since i was in the 3rd grade.” but didn’t. now, if he was picking up a razor blade, or a shard of glass to put in his mouth, i woulda said something. but nope.
and yep. he did it. i gave him the “OH MAN you actually did it. good for you kid” look.
redskins won. hail yeah. HTTR. u know the deal. goood gahd i hope rg3 is okay.
but pacman lost. that was sad. its done, its over for pacquaio. that was sad as hell. part of me died when he fell. good gahd, for a second we thought he died. they were checking his fuckin pulse. its really sad that his reign is over, but man. bye bye freddie roach. but at least good things come out of it.
presenting the memes
at first this is what happened.
one night of clever thinking, here comes the memes.
but at least
i am not a man that judges a person, whether man/lady, by his or her looks. overtime i’ve come to realize that the phrase “true beauty comes within” is true.
but lets jump to the beginning of the tale. i went half out saturday, which means i stayed in annandale. i don’t ever consider going to annandale “out.” the day i consider going to annandale as “out,” hopefully i’ll have a kid (and hopefully not have about 7 cats). anyways, i went half out, and for the sake of judgmental eyes, i’ll say i met up J, and C.
as soon as i walked in, i saw a girl. a girl, with her friend. i then realized that i foolishly mistaken what i had thought was her friend, with what just appeared to be her gargantuan nose. you know, in 6th grade i remember sitting there in ms wilson’s class. the word we were learning from our spelling book was the word “gargantuan.” i remember i was bullshitting with a fellow classmate of mine and complaining about the fact that “there will never be a moment in my life where i will find the word gargantuan” useful.
well miss wilson, 16 years later, i apologize for my comments.
her nose was freakin huge. u know how if you sit/stand directly behind someone, you shouldn’t be able to see any facial features? well this nose goes against that theory. i thought to myself, oh man, am i the only one that notices this? luckily i wasn’t the only guy with asshole thoughts.
C: ay man! you see that nose?! its huge!!!
J: yeah oh my gahd..
me: i know…holy shit…i can’t…stop….staring…
C: its so freakin BI–
J: SHHHHHHH!!! GUYS. SHUT UP. SHE CAN SMELL US TALKING!!
next came the
“no wonder its hard to breathe. shes sniffing up all the oxygen.”
“i bet you she knows what we had for lunch”
“her nose has a constant erection”
“GOOOD LAWD she mustve told a lot of lies”
we then shared a chuckle or two. how unfortunate. she had nice hair, decent eyes and probably is really nice. i know. we’re mean boys. but admit it. you smirked a little when you read what J said.
i don’t believe in cosmetic surgery.i really don’t. i believe people look perfect the way they are. even i have a FEW flaws here and there. but man, a little work on the nose could probably do wonders.
u know that song by n sync “god must’ve spent a little more time on you”? well i saw the girl who was on the losing end of him spending more time on somebody else.
holy shit that was mean.
i feel really bad about that, but i rarely think of clever insults. to make myself feel better, lets say it wasn’t abotu that girl. lets say it was about hitler or something.
have a good day yall.
you heard of chubs. wally and my fave kid. now SHE had the best costume by FAR LOOOL
so this past weekend was halloween. guys and girls all know its THE SLUTTIEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR. but every year, you see the same old costumes. ima guy that appreciates funny creative cute costumes more than the slutty look. i mean hey i do love the boobs poppin out, ass hangin out glory, but at a certain point its all been done. SO LET ME INTRODUCE TO YOU…
HALLOWEEN FASHION LAME POLICE (i dont mean to offend anybody who wore it but…)
girls who just wear the cat/mouse ears.
i guess in college it was alright. you broke, can’t really do much. if your in between the ages of 23 and 35, you need some style points. i mean come on. we all know it was a “shit i need a costume at the last minute cause i don’t want to be lame and not wear a costume” but… those ears don’t really do much. you might as well not do a “costume” at all. ..which leads to
girls who literally wear nothing and go out in their underwear/lingerie.
okay not gonna lie. its hot as balls. like really hot. but come on.
guys who do the spiderman/superman-unbutton-the-shirt look.
seirously? that was 10 years ago.
guys who wear the football jersey
congratufuckinglations. youre wearing what 10000000s of people wear every sunday. girls can sometimes do pull it off, but its still eh.
school girl outfit.
its eh. its 2010s. alicia silverstone and liv tyler made it hot. actually its still hot. but don’t shocked if you see another girl wearing the same thing with a better bangin body.
guys dressed up as nerds
these days people dress like nerds on a regular basis. when girls do it, its pretty funny.
i thought the best costume i saw this weekend was stephanie’s DJ costume. it was funny and cute.
my grandma aka harmony and i were watching some football on monday. shes never really watched football much, but in her defense its also cause i’ve never really let her watch it. i mean i shouldve known better cause if she liked watching wrestling with me in the 90s, why wouldn’t she like watching football?
but in MY defense i thought it would be too violent and too much of a rush for her. i mean we’re talkin about the lady who can’t watch car chases on tv because its too much action. she can’t watch espn x games cause its too scary.
so i watched the bears and lions go at it. at first i felt bad cause its my harmony’s korean drama time, so i changed the channel. my harmony says in korean “whyd u channel? that was a fun show.”
so with my broken ass korean, i tried to explain the details to her. but then i came to realize she didn’t care about the rules. she just liked angry black men chasing after the white folk with the ball.
but to my gramma the most frustrating thing is
“why don’t they just pick the ball back up” – referring to incomplete passes
“those guys are way too old to play” – referring to the refs
“all they have to do is throw two balls in case they drop one. it would be so much easier.”
“koreans don’t play this sport cause they have to go to the army”
“look at those muscles. they must work out a lot.” -referring to pads. she thinks those are just muscles.
“tommy would be really good at football cause he’s so big”
“i can’t believe they make flying sticks now. thats too scary for me.” – shes referring to the geico witch commercial.
i mean come on. she doesn’t know the advances of CGI, so why wouldn’t she think its real? my harmony also believed that trucks can turn into manhandling violent robots (transformers). then i have to say in korean…
me: thats done by a computer
harmony: oh…thats a computer?
me: no its…nevermind.
thas my harmony for ya.
smell ya later
the first time i got drunk was in high school at jason’s house when his parents were out of town. i remember we ate a lot of fried chicken, and i just remember there was a lot of drunkeness.
whats that got to do with anything? jasons parents are out of town agane for a while. i mean this time we’re 29, and definitely not in high school no mo. having a party at your parents house just aint the same as it used to be, since we’re grown ass adults and we have our own place. but just as a joke i suggested jason have a house party agane.
jason: yeah my parents are out of town for a while
me: you should have a party at your house agane hahah
jason: hahah naw that *igga bodie would mad as hell
jason: prolly get annoyed at the people and get everybody to leave n shit.
me: are you serious
jason: yeah man don wanna get him all upset
you guys don’t know who bodie is. the way jason talked about him, made him sound like a big black bouncer at a club, or a big thug that lived with his parents.
but who is this bodie? this is bodie.
thats a real photo of bodie. i did not do a google image search and type in “happy cute puppy” to make this comparison comical. that is the actual picture of his dog. and its not like a rare picture of bodie smiling or anything. imagine the complete opposite of this dog. thats how jason describes him.
until next time
I got a coworker. A big black motherfucker named P.J. i call him “peej”. peej is nice guy. shafiq, who works next to me is always like “that guy is cool, but he’s just weird.” and kinda dumb with common sense.
for example, its like dead silence in our office, and all of a sudden you hear him bursting out laughing. like its one of those “i dont give a shit who can hear me” kind of laughs.
DUDE, WE KNOW YOU’RE NOT DOING WORK IF YOU BURST OUT LAUGHING.
i sometimes go to his office ask him a question about something. he’s not there. he has two monitors, and one of them is like thechive.com while the other is a music video of black girls booty poppin. like hide your shit when you step away from the desk!
the cwaziest thing about peej is that this motherfucker replaces evewy “R” with a “W”. its not on puwpose, its just the way he talks. like he sounds like a BIG fuckin 5 yeaw old. have you EVEH seen in yo life a big black guy that talks like a child? i cannot, for the life of me, take this bwother sewiously. AND he’s LOUD AS HELL, and in the mowning he gweets me all weiwd.
my typing is getting annoying wight? ok i’ll stop.
like i walk in the front door, try to sneak in, cause lets be real, i’m late.
he stands up.
peej: “HELLLLOO LAWWWHYYY”
and i try to run by him before he tries to shoot me some small talk. but sometimes he just follows me
peej: YOU HEAH THE NEW FWANK OCEAN SONG?
me: naw man i didn’t
this guy LOVES frank ocean. a LOT of the time i have to have him repeat what he’s sayin cause i can’t understand him.
and thats it for today. more on peej later.
k i love you bye
this past thurs-sat, with the help of a very disfunctional staff, i directed my church youth group summer camp. basically make high school kids at our church get along, play games, sing christian songs, etc.
the high school kids are separated into groups, my staff (college kids and up) are designated to lead a team. and everytime they win a game they get some points, or anytime i feel like they do good, i hand out points. everybody just sucks up to me for about four days and i hand out points, take away points whenever i want. pretty cool gig right? WRONG.
here are some things that happened.
theres this one girl, a rising sophomore girl named dasol. dasol is a nice sweet girl, good intentions, but her level of annoying goes to the extent of “AS FUCK.” this bitch does NOT leave me the fuck alone and asks me 100 questions a fucking hour. like at least once a day, i probably screamed at the top of my lungs
“dasol, leave me the hell alone” or “go the fuck away or ima take 100 poitns off your team”
literally. im not gonna beat around the bush. ima motherfucker and tell it like it is. first couple times i said it nicely, but theres a certain point. trust me. TRUST me when i say this. you can’t handle her either.
so on saturday night, we have a talent show. all the youth group kids and staff members are encouraged to participate. it gets pretty funny and cool. if you suck, we gong the shit out of you and tell you to get the fuck off the stage. dasol wanted to perform a dance. shes been practicing at home, and she wanted to show her skills. during dinner, i ask whole dining hall
“does ANYBODY have to go to their cabin to get anything for the talent show? if you do, tell me now cause you ain’t getting a chance to go back.” i say this because it takes 10 minutes to get to the cabin. and i dont want any of my staff members making a trip out there just because some kid forgot somethin. and OF COURSE 30 minutes later…
dasol: larry oppa i need to go to the cabin
me: what for
dasol: i need to change for the talent show.
dasol is wearing a nice clean white t shirt and khaki shorts.
me: you look fine with what you’re wearing. so no.
dasol: but its for the TALENT SHOW.
me: I KNOW. and I. SAID. NO.
dasol: BUT PLEASE
so then this bitch tries to act cute. trust me. its not a sight you wanna see.
me: DASOL. I SAID NO. NOW GO. THE FUCK. AWAY.
10 minutes later she comes up to me again. and im stressed out of my mind doing other things.
dasol: LARRY OPPA PLEASEEE IM DOING THIS FOR MY TEAM.
me: NO. IM BUSY
dasol: PLEAAAASE LARR—
me: FUCK. FINE. if you can get a counselor to go with you, GO AHEAD. JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.
an hour later, i see her. i think it was hanna who took her and she looked pissed.
me: why you so tired?
hanna: i just fuckin took dasol to the cabin so she could change for the talent show.
i turn and look to see what the big fuckin deal was.
the little fucker changed her white tee, to a MAROOON TEE. IT WASN”T A COOL COSTUME OR COOL OUTFIT. IT WAS THE EXACT, SAME SIZE. SAME PLAIN T SHIRT. SHE JUST FUCKIN CHANGED THE COLOR OF HER T SHIRT. WHAT. THE. FUCK. and then her performance was weird. it just made me feel really, really uncomfortable. like if i was gonna creep someone out, i would show them that dance.
saturday night we kept the kids up to about 3 am. get them exhausted, get them sleepy as fuck so that the only thing they want to do is knock the fuck out. why? cause
A) they are too tired to prank each other.
B) then we can prank the shit out of them.
they go to sleep, i finally get to take a shower. and then i feel a tiny bump on my ass cheek. like the size of a pimple. and i think “hmm i dont remember that being there. must be a pimple.” i turn and look. its black. first thought, a mole. but its too 3-D to be a mole. then i realize.
its a motherfuckin tick.
so i finish my shower, and i walk out. the staff is in the dining hall strategically planning the prank. on my way there, the first person i see is david.
me: dude i found a tick on me.
and the motherfucker runs away. as if i got bit by a zombie and i was about to change any second now. like literally ive never seen the motherfucker move so fast.
i walk into kitchen, and tell everybody. immediately everybody flips a shit and checks their body like they got bit. everybody then asks where the hell i got bit.
i say “my ass.”
they ttell me to bend over, and the next thing i know is i got the whole staff staring at my bare ass. cameras are out, people are giggling, people are actin like my dog just died, and the fobs are just fascinated cause theyrent any ticks in korea. they get tweezers and pull it out. but the problem is it got IN there. so they are diggin. it hurts like shit. i yell at my boy eric to get me the bottle of jack in my bag. yeah, i brought a bottle of jack to a church camp. but hey. it gets stressful. it helps me sleep. and its perfect in time for this.
so i swig the bottle to numb the pain. after that ordeal is done, im just drunker than hell.
people are debating on whether to let me prank with them or not cause i am loud and as fuck. but eventually i go anyways. i light up a cigarette on the way there. im really out of breath tho.
we get the girls first. we go into their cabin, pie em in the face, and we all dip the fuck out screaming.
but oh man. im so drunk and out of breath that i stop. and i just unleash the fury and throw up my life.
and then i pass the fuck out.
i killed 5 packs of cigarettes in 4 days. i think thas the most ive ever smoked at our summer camp. i feel gross.
and thats just 5% of what happened.
yesterday goose, jason and i were talking about random shizz, something from the past came up. in high school, whenever jason got drunk he used to get in the habit of getting naked. i dont know why. like it just happened. i remember the first time we got drunk i walked outside to get something, and i walked back in to brian laughing his ass off and jason is just standing there butt naked. and somehow his mom found out about it.
tommy: HAHAHAHAHAH remember in high school before you went out your mom had to lecture you on “not getting naked when you’re drunk?”
jason: it was only like a few times
LOL. A FEW TIMES IS TOO MANY.
yesterday i picked up my harmony (gramma) and went to reston to meet up some family and have dinner. my harmony doesn’t go out much, especially to reston. theres only one thing she knows: my aunt lives in reston. she swears she knows how to get there.
so every road we passed she kept saying
harmony: thas how you get to your aunts house
me: no its not
harmony: are you sure?
me: yeah im sure. we’re still in centreville
she was like a little kid with no direction wehre to go. after every road…
harmony: your aunt lives there
me: no she doesn’t
and its friday. happy birthday to the world.
k i love you byer
my sister is visiting from la. which means one thing will happen: mel, julia, and my sister will get drunk as hell.
so after church, around midnight, i went to shikgaek to meet them up along with one of mel’s friends, matt. and i should add, i was out til 2 am the night before. as soon as i got there, they were HAMMERED. like mel had the eyes. if you’re friends with mel, you know the eyes.
i bet $5000000 that mel doesn’t remember seeing me. i’ve never been so sure of something in my life.
anyways, 10 minutes into my arrival, matt dumps her purse stuff out on the table. he was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BLACKED OUT.
he pulls out a whistle. literally, i dont know where he got the whistle, but he blows it. everybody looks at our table.
says “THATS MY CUE TO LEAVE.”
and just leaves. thinkin
A) he took a cab home.
B) he’s sleeping in his car.
so after a couple drinks, we end up leaving. its about 1AM. only one thing: mels friend, had her keys. and shes the one that drove him. mels too drunk to give us his phone number, and we’re outside wondering where oculd he be?
julia checked mel’s car. the guys not passed out in it.
mel is too drunk, and wont give us matt’s phone number.
me: give us matt’s number
me: GIVE ME HIS FUCKIN NUMBER
mel: where’s matt? wait…is he missing?
julia: WE DONT KNOW WHERE HE IS!! WE’RE TRYING TO FIND HIM GIVE US HIS NUMBER
mel: matt? where is he? is he missing?
me: GIVE ME YOUR DAMN PHONE
julia: melissa you need to give us your phone so we can CALL HIM.
mel: matt? oh where is he? oh no is he missing?
times that, by 10. finally we yank the phone from her hands. call him. great news!
mel has his FUCKIN PHONE.
so NOW i’m thinking
A) coulda gotten arrested for being drunk in public
B) could be passed out in the grass somewhere or in this shopping center
C) coulda went to eat by himself
so i tell julia to chill with the other two drunkasses, while i go find this guy that i just met. i’m literally walking around the shopping center looking for this guy. its a big ass shopping center.
the only thing i know about this guy is this: he’s korean, mel’s friend, and he’s gay. i’m not trying to insult him or anything, but thats literally the only things i know about him.
but obviosuly, im not gonna walk around asking people “hey, have you seen this asian gay guy?” theyre gonna get the wrong idea. and then i might get arrested cause i might sound like a guy lookin for some male prostitutes.
so i’m literally walking into every open restuarant and bar looking for this guy. then i walk around every inch of the parking lot. i stop and think.
“if i was a drunk gay guy, where would i go?”
then i thought to myself, “why do you have to call him out like that? why can’t he just be a drunk guy? why did you have to label him like that?”
then i started getting all “do you really perceive peoplel ike that?” then i thought “FUCK this shit. no time for thinking like that. i just have to find him.”
then i started thinking back to my original thought. “if i was a blacked out drunk gay guy, where would i go?”
then i got kinda grossed out.
so after over an hour of searching, annoyed at the world i head back to the girls.
me: FUCK THIS SHIT HE’S GONE. LETS GO.
so i’m tryin to get mel to leave.
me: FUCK IT. LETS GO.
mel: but matt? we should tell him we’re leaving
me: WEE CAN’T FIND HIM!! WE’RE LEAVING. I DONT GIVE A SHIT its his own damn fault.
mel: wheres mattt?
me: i dont know get in the fuckin car!
shes wobbling away to a car.
me: mel WHAT THE FUCK are you doing
mel: checking my car.
me: MEL, THATS NOT YOUR–. wait. hold up. -DAMN IT.
mel: matts in my car.
turns out, julia looked at the wrong car. anyways the dude locked himself in the car and was passed out. this guy aint waking up. so julia took my sister and mel to my parents.
my sister didn’t have the key.
my mom had to wake up, open the door to see her drunkass daughter and mel.
i wish i coulda saw that one.
and that was my wednesday night.
k i love your bye
so at church this past sunday my harmony was sitting with a bunch of her friends. they all grummas too. i went to my harmony, gave a her a big motherfuckin hug, and talked to her a bit. she told the rest of the grumma that i’m her grandson.
i think since their old they keep forgetting who i am. but then one of the grummas told me to com over to her so i did.
so i went to the grumma, and stood behind her to talk and she grabbed me and pulled me down and made me wrap my arms around her.
cause at that point she was placing my hand on a very unfortunate area.
like right there.
it was so, uncomfortable.
and she just….kept it there. and kept like. tapping it.
so for fathers day i had family stuff and then a dinner with my fam, wallys fam, and friend of the family. the girl there is my sisters god daughter. lets call her vana. shes a funny girl. she is 20 years old. watermelon came out.
me: want some watermelon?
vana: i dont eat watermelon.
wally and i chokes.
vana: i’ve never had it before.
me & wally: WHAT THE FUCK
so its not that she’s allergic or anything. she says watermelon has a certain nasty smell and she doesn’t want to eat it. and we were like it smells like water! it is water! its the best fruit! and when they altered them so they don’t have seeds anymore?! its like using internet. at first, its great. and then seedless is like when cable connection came out. i’m not tryin to get all religious and shit on my blog, but watermelon is one of God’s greatest gifts. remember the days when you were little, you play outside on a hot summer day, and you run inside and your mom has watermelon cut into triangles, and then you just bite the tops off of every one of them cause tahts the sweetest and then your mom yells at you and you get in trouble cause no ones gonna want to eat the rest with some kid biting into all of em?
those were the days.
me&wally: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
vana: i know 4 other kids whos never eaten it before either!
k smell you later i love your bye
so when i get to know people and we talk about the people in my life, the conversation goes like this
human: so what does _____ do ?
me: um……i dunno.
human: oooh do you guys not really hang out then?
me: oh no we hang out every week
human: and….you just dont know what he/she does?
me: i actually have no idea what my friends do for a living.
on my way home laast night i was trying to think of what my friends do for a living. the only ones i know have simple titles that you explain to a 5 year old, such as “doctor, teacher, etc..” is it just our friends? we don’t really like to talk about what we do, where we work cause that shit is just BORING. jason talks about dap and skinnyespnmarkschlereth all the time but he doesn’t talk about his meetings and shiet. if he did i would throw a superbitchfit. i dont care what my friends do, as long as theyre satisfied and they’re not killing babies and puppies. but is it just us? do other groups of friends not talk about what they do? do other groups not know what their friends do for a living?
off the top of my head, here is what i know what people do for a living (the list is bit of a stretch but this is to make my point)
mother – owns cleaners
father – owns cleaners
brian – doctor. official doctor. having a close friend as a doctor is like having health insurance for life.
mel – teacher
paul – chef
jap – firefighter
linus – teacher
jess – teacher
john hur – gets people to join the army
tom – firefighter
junkyo hyung – own clothing line
j bomb hyung – ceo?
phil – actor
my cousin – dentist
my cousins husband – dentist
scooba – host at BonChon Chicken
cleezy – plumber who jumps through pipes to get to other worlds, constantly stepping on turtles trying to save a princess. jk. he’s a forever student.. happy birthday buddy.
thats pretty much it. as you can see, this is list is a stretch. theres a billion people left out on my list. i dont even know what my sister does. and its not that i never get a chance to talk about it, its just that i dont care. i hate when people talk about what they did at work, cause i honestly dont care cause it bores me. unless youre like a firefighter, bouncer at a strip club, a hitman, etc. then i would like to hear some stories. but if you’re going to talk about how many reports you had to file today, how many spreadsheets you made, then you will see me make multiple attempts to change the subject. or just walk the fuck away.
sometimes i eat with brian’s doctor buddies, and when they talk about surgeries and shit, i have absolutely no idea whats going on. and i have nothing to contribute other than my toothpick in my foot story and getting my tonsils out. they talk about helping people with disesases and life threatening injuries, i talk about the funny thing i saw on youtube the other day.
have a great weekend eveyrbody
i went to the verizon store, to get a new phone battery. there were 2 employees there. one was sitting with a family lookin like she was gonna take a lot of time. the other was at the register finishing up with this white lady.
ah the dreaded white lady. i automatically KNEW this was gonna take a while. why? if theres one thing i know, old white ladies love to talk.
like when i work at my parents cleaners, and a white lady comes in…i automatically knew. its time to have a one on one session with dr larry.
why do white folk talk so much? specifically to cleezy, tara, dap, skinny-version-of-espn’s-mark-schlereth-look-a-like, why is that?
like she was talking about why she needed a new phone, what happened to her old one, what kind of phones her family have, her car, her laptop…Literally all that shit.
ronnie put it perfectly: masters of small talk, masters of water cooler talk.
white ladies love to talk as much as asian ladies like to buy big ass cars they can’t drive worth shit. good analogy? hell yeah.
so this lady turns around to see if theres anybody in line.
we make direct eye contact. like there couldn’t have been anymore eye contact. she turns back around, and continues to talk.
do i look like a fuckin employee here?
she asks him to teach her how to use her phone. she looks like shes around 45-50. and i’m thinkin “maybe she doesn’t have any kids around here to teach her how to use a smart phone”
and i’m like OHH my gahd this lady is taking forever.
THEN i find out its a FUCKIN FLIP PHONE!!!! like have you NEVER had a phone before lady? ITS 2012 GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
and finally shes done, and leaves.
took about 40 minutes of my life.
i walk up to the worker.
me: i need a new battery for my phone.
employee: i’m sorry we don’t sell batteries here.
i was soooo annoyed. if there was a table there, i would’ve thought about flippin it over. not actually doing it cause that would be rude and unecessary.
my friends have issues
tommy the bear.
have a great weekend everybody
k i love you bye