[shes back.]
my sister is visiting from la. which means one thing will happen: mel, julia, and my sister will get drunk as hell.
so after church, around midnight, i went to shikgaek to meet them up along with one of mel’s friends, matt. and i should add, i was out til 2 am the night before. as soon as i got there, they were HAMMERED. like mel had the eyes. if you’re friends with mel, you know the eyes.
i bet $5000000 that mel doesn’t remember seeing me. i’ve never been so sure of something in my life.
anyways, 10 minutes into my arrival, matt dumps her purse stuff out on the table. he was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BLACKED OUT.
he pulls out a whistle. literally, i dont know where he got the whistle, but he blows it. everybody looks at our table.
says “THATS MY CUE TO LEAVE.”
and just leaves. thinkin
A) he took a cab home.
B) he’s sleeping in his car.
so after a couple drinks, we end up leaving. its about 1AM. only one thing: mels friend, had her keys. and shes the one that drove him. mels too drunk to give us his phone number, and we’re outside wondering where oculd he be?
julia checked mel’s car. the guys not passed out in it.
mel is too drunk, and wont give us matt’s phone number.
me: give us matt’s number
mel: nooo
me: GIVE ME HIS FUCKIN NUMBER
mel: where’s matt? wait…is he missing?
julia: WE DONT KNOW WHERE HE IS!! WE’RE TRYING TO FIND HIM GIVE US HIS NUMBER
mel: matt? where is he? is he missing?
me: GIVE ME YOUR DAMN PHONE
mel: nooooooo
julia: melissa you need to give us your phone so we can CALL HIM.
mel: matt? oh where is he? oh no is he missing?
times that, by 10. finally we yank the phone from her hands. call him. great news!
mel has his FUCKIN PHONE.
so NOW i’m thinking
A) coulda gotten arrested for being drunk in public
B) could be passed out in the grass somewhere or in this shopping center
C) coulda went to eat by himself
so i tell julia to chill with the other two drunkasses, while i go find this guy that i just met. i’m literally walking around the shopping center looking for this guy. its a big ass shopping center.
the only thing i know about this guy is this: he’s korean, mel’s friend, and he’s gay. i’m not trying to insult him or anything, but thats literally the only things i know about him.
but obviosuly, im not gonna walk around asking people “hey, have you seen this asian gay guy?” theyre gonna get the wrong idea. and then i might get arrested cause i might sound like a guy lookin for some male prostitutes.
so i’m literally walking into every open restuarant and bar looking for this guy. then i walk around every inch of the parking lot. i stop and think.
“if i was a drunk gay guy, where would i go?”
then i thought to myself, “why do you have to call him out like that? why can’t he just be a drunk guy? why did you have to label him like that?”
then i started getting all “do you really perceive peoplel ike that?” then i thought “FUCK this shit. no time for thinking like that. i just have to find him.”
then i started thinking back to my original thought. “if i was a blacked out drunk gay guy, where would i go?”
then i got kinda grossed out.
so after over an hour of searching, annoyed at the world i head back to the girls.
me: FUCK THIS SHIT HE’S GONE. LETS GO.
so i’m tryin to get mel to leave.
me: FUCK IT. LETS GO.
mel: but matt? we should tell him we’re leaving
me: WEE CAN’T FIND HIM!! WE’RE LEAVING. I DONT GIVE A SHIT its his own damn fault.
mel: wheres mattt?
me: i dont know get in the fuckin car!
shes wobbling away to a car.
me: mel WHAT THE FUCK are you doing
mel: checking my car.
me: MEL, THATS NOT YOUR–. wait. hold up. -DAMN IT.
mel: matts in my car.
turns out, julia looked at the wrong car. anyways the dude locked himself in the car and was passed out. this guy aint waking up. so julia took my sister and mel to my parents.
my sister didn’t have the key.
my mom had to wake up, open the door to see her drunkass daughter and mel.
i wish i coulda saw that one.
and that was my wednesday night.
k i love your bye
[watermelon and harmonies]
so at church this past sunday my harmony was sitting with a bunch of her friends. they all grummas too. i went to my harmony, gave a her a big motherfuckin hug, and talked to her a bit. she told the rest of the grumma that i’m her grandson.
i think since their old they keep forgetting who i am. but then one of the grummas told me to com over to her so i did.
so i went to the grumma, and stood behind her to talk and she grabbed me and pulled me down and made me wrap my arms around her.
cute?
kinda.
cause at that point she was placing my hand on a very unfortunate area.
her boob.
like right there.
it was so, uncomfortable.
and she just….kept it there. and kept like. tapping it.
gahd.
so for fathers day i had family stuff and then a dinner with my fam, wallys fam, and friend of the family. the girl there is my sisters god daughter. lets call her vana. shes a funny girl. she is 20 years old. watermelon came out.
me: want some watermelon?
vana: i dont eat watermelon.
wally and i chokes.
wally: WHAT???
me: WHY?
vana: i’ve never had it before.
me & wally: WHAT THE FUCK
so its not that she’s allergic or anything. she says watermelon has a certain nasty smell and she doesn’t want to eat it. and we were like it smells like water! it is water! its the best fruit! and when they altered them so they don’t have seeds anymore?! its like using internet. at first, its great. and then seedless is like when cable connection came out. i’m not tryin to get all religious and shit on my blog, but watermelon is one of God’s greatest gifts. remember the days when you were little, you play outside on a hot summer day, and you run inside and your mom has watermelon cut into triangles, and then you just bite the tops off of every one of them cause tahts the sweetest and then your mom yells at you and you get in trouble cause no ones gonna want to eat the rest with some kid biting into all of em?
those were the days.
me&wally: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
vana: i know 4 other kids whos never eaten it before either!
so. weird.
——————
funnies.
k smell you later i love your bye
::]
[jobs]
so when i get to know people and we talk about the people in my life, the conversation goes like this
human: so what does _____ do ?
me: um……i dunno.
human: oooh do you guys not really hang out then?
me: oh no we hang out every week
human: and….you just dont know what he/she does?
me: i actually have no idea what my friends do for a living.
on my way home laast night i was trying to think of what my friends do for a living. the only ones i know have simple titles that you explain to a 5 year old, such as “doctor, teacher, etc..” is it just our friends? we don’t really like to talk about what we do, where we work cause that shit is just BORING. jason talks about dap and skinnyespnmarkschlereth all the time but he doesn’t talk about his meetings and shiet. if he did i would throw a superbitchfit. i dont care what my friends do, as long as theyre satisfied and they’re not killing babies and puppies. but is it just us? do other groups of friends not talk about what they do? do other groups not know what their friends do for a living?
off the top of my head, here is what i know what people do for a living (the list is bit of a stretch but this is to make my point)
mother – owns cleaners
father – owns cleaners
brian – doctor. official doctor. having a close friend as a doctor is like having health insurance for life.
mel – teacher
paul – chef
jap – firefighter
linus – teacher
jess – teacher
john hur – gets people to join the army
tom – firefighter
junkyo hyung – own clothing line
j bomb hyung – ceo?
phil – actor
my cousin – dentist
my cousins husband – dentist
scooba – host at BonChon Chicken
cleezy – plumber who jumps through pipes to get to other worlds, constantly stepping on turtles trying to save a princess. jk. he’s a forever student.. happy birthday buddy.
thats pretty much it. as you can see, this is list is a stretch. theres a billion people left out on my list. i dont even know what my sister does. and its not that i never get a chance to talk about it, its just that i dont care. i hate when people talk about what they did at work, cause i honestly dont care cause it bores me. unless youre like a firefighter, bouncer at a strip club, a hitman, etc. then i would like to hear some stories. but if you’re going to talk about how many reports you had to file today, how many spreadsheets you made, then you will see me make multiple attempts to change the subject. or just walk the fuck away.
sometimes i eat with brian’s doctor buddies, and when they talk about surgeries and shit, i have absolutely no idea whats going on. and i have nothing to contribute other than my toothpick in my foot story and getting my tonsils out. they talk about helping people with disesases and life threatening injuries, i talk about the funny thing i saw on youtube the other day.
like this.
have a great weekend eveyrbody
[white folk]
i went to the verizon store, to get a new phone battery. there were 2 employees there. one was sitting with a family lookin like she was gonna take a lot of time. the other was at the register finishing up with this white lady.
ah the dreaded white lady. i automatically KNEW this was gonna take a while. why? if theres one thing i know, old white ladies love to talk.
like when i work at my parents cleaners, and a white lady comes in…i automatically knew. its time to have a one on one session with dr larry.
why do white folk talk so much? specifically to cleezy, tara, dap, skinny-version-of-espn’s-mark-schlereth-look-a-like, why is that?
like she was talking about why she needed a new phone, what happened to her old one, what kind of phones her family have, her car, her laptop…Literally all that shit.
ronnie put it perfectly: masters of small talk, masters of water cooler talk.
white ladies love to talk as much as asian ladies like to buy big ass cars they can’t drive worth shit. good analogy? hell yeah.
so this lady turns around to see if theres anybody in line.
we make direct eye contact. like there couldn’t have been anymore eye contact. she turns back around, and continues to talk.
do i look like a fuckin employee here?
AND THEN!
she asks him to teach her how to use her phone. she looks like shes around 45-50. and i’m thinkin “maybe she doesn’t have any kids around here to teach her how to use a smart phone”
and i’m like OHH my gahd this lady is taking forever.
THEN i find out its a FUCKIN FLIP PHONE!!!! like have you NEVER had a phone before lady? ITS 2012 GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
and finally shes done, and leaves.
took about 40 minutes of my life.
i walk up to the worker.
me: i need a new battery for my phone.
employee: i’m sorry we don’t sell batteries here.
i was soooo annoyed. if there was a table there, i would’ve thought about flippin it over. not actually doing it cause that would be rude and unecessary.
———————————————–
my friends have issues
——————————-
tommy the bear.
have a great weekend everybody
k i love you bye
::]
[geese and music]
so on saturday there was a senior banquet at our church for the graduating high sschool seniors. since im part of the teachers, of course i went and helped out. i was in charge of music. i was playin whatever the hell i wanted, and the show was over.
time to clean up, and usually i play some pump up or happy song so everybody can leave happily and ready to enjoy a saturday night.
my choices?
-Earth Wind Fire – September
-LMFAO featuring lil jon – SHOTS.
i shrugged, said fuck it, decided to play SHOTS. what i completely forgot about, was the beginning the of the song. i was stupid to think the song went right into “SHOT SHOT……” so i maxed out the speakers, plugged my ears…and here we go
so out of the church speakers, you hear
“IMMMM FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKED UPPPPPPPPPPPPPP”
everybody stopped, and just looked at me. i gave them the “oh man i forgot” face.
so i quickly skipped the first couple seconds…
everybody went back to doin what they was doin.
and then that motherfucker lil jon is yellin (i shouldve known) ” GET READY TO GET FUCKED UP. LEZZ DO IT HAHA … HAY.”
once again everybody stops and looks at me. i slapped my forehead. but then said screw it and just let it play anyway lol.
i shouldve known better.
——————————-
so i started jogging on a regular basis to get my fat ass back in shape. i found a nice lake/trail behind my neighborhood so its a great place to run. lake = lots of birds/ducks/geese. i hate birds. like i really hate birds.
so im joggin on the trail and i come across a flock of geese with theyre little gooslings. and im thinkin “FUCK.” cause my friend in high school ran through them and they attacked him. so now i’m walkin. my plan? walk cautiously through them, avoid contact, look down and mind my own business.
but the way they were arranged? let me paint you a mental picture. some gooslings in the middle of the trail, the adult geese on both sides of the grass. basically saying “i fucking dare you.” as if its the crips, and this is their turf.
so i’m walkin and decided “ima fuckin grown ass man.” so i started joggin again and now theyre ALLL lookin at me. and they’re gettin all excited. like OMG shits about to go down.
now im thinkin “would it be a bitch move if i just ran around them?” is anybody around here to see me? luckily there wasnt.
i wasn’t lookin for any trouble so thas what i did. but i didn’t do like a stepped to the side jog. i like did a huge 10 ft diameter run, as if i’m taking a different route to avoid bullies.
and theyre all still mad-dawgin me to make sure i dont try anythin funny.
next time im carryin a bat and ima just run at them screamin and swingin. if i hit their babies its not my fault.
k i love you bye
::]
[sweet desserts]
a while back ago, i mentioned to somebody that i was stressed. they responded with
“hey, at least….
“
i love the optimism and thank you so much for trying to make me feel better.
but honestly, how the FUCK does that help me?
i just want to grab them and yell WHAT. THE FUCK. AM. I SUPPOSED. TO DO. WITH. THAT.
its not like i can eat the backwards spelling of a word. its not like they gave me a key lime pie. NOPE. just a fact, that stressed backwards spells desserts.
its like “my girlfriend is mad at me, my parents are buggin me, i got evicted, i got fired from my job, my dog is dead, BUT HEY. THATS ALLLL OKAY. CAUSE STRESSED BACKWARDS, SPELLS DESSERTS.”
is that supposed to make me feel better? THEN maybe i should dwell on the fact that my name backwards is the definition of “shit.”
GAHD.
——————–
LOL
::)
have a great weekend yall
k i love you
bye
