ima greet girls like this at the bar next time
i got scared to go higher
look at his face
our church has retreats and camps. retreats are obviously faith based, while camps are just fun and for the kids to get to know each other.
you have to pick a retreat small group based on their social skills, and how much they could contribute to small group talks.
you have to pick a camp group based on their athletic ability, creativity, personality, social skills.
i’m helpin out at our youth group retreat this weekend. last night was our final meetin, and usually thats when we have THE DRAFT. i dont know how your church does it, but when assigning small groups/ teams, we usually have all the kids names up on the board and literally pick em one by one (cept this year. instead we just pre-made groups and just picked the team you wanted.) sounds a little fucked up? i can hear you saying “its not fair to put values on kids” but lets be real now. we have some great kids, but we also got some fuhucked up kids. its important to make sure you dont make random groups or youll get a bunch of degenerates in one group, and another of socially awkward weirdos.
the type of kids we have:
the popular kid but you dont know why he/she is popular – cause you dont really have the looks, you’re not really funny but somehow you got up there.
the funny - the funny guy/girl
nerdy yet very socialable. PERFECT to have in your group, but they come with a certain stubborness. thas when you tell em to shut the fuck up.
socially awkward. don’t talk to NOBODY or if they do say something, no one even knows how to respond. we’ll talk about sins, and this girl talked about george washington’s cherry tree.
too cool kid, but once they realize we’re all losers here they start to contribute well – at first you think “waddabitch” but after a couple small group talks they grow onto you
the degenerate - they always share something drug/alcohol related or some shiet like that. tryin to sound bad ass. i remember one kids words clearly. he literally said “and when i was locked up…i was on my own. felt like God wasn’t there.” thats deep and all, but its obvious he’s tryin to brag that he was in juvenile detention. you think “hey…hes sharing. don’t judge.” and i want to tell you that the talk was about “SHIT YOUR THANKFUL FOR.”
the flirty kid – all they do is flirt with the cutest girl in the group. its irritating cause the girl is tryin to focus but the flirt keeps tryin to get her attention. one time i was leading a small group and they gathered around. the “it” girl ended up sitting next to me. the flirty boy in my group literally came up to me and said “ay hyung move over youre in my spot.” my mouth dropped. then i told his bitchass to sit on the otherside of me. and then i purposely made it a long discussion.
so it literally goes like “with the first pick of the 2012 retreat, team ____ chooses ___________.” you have 1 minute to make a pick, if your surpass the time limit, you forfeit your pick.
once you make your pick, you hear everybody go “FUUUUCK” or “NOOO THAT WAS MY PICK” and they start rethinking their strategy and looking for their back up pick.
gets fuckin intense. after that, we go into trades. if four teams veto the trade, then the trade is declined by the league. and then you gotta deal with the mind games.
me: ay david, i’ll give you kid X for kid Y.
david: HAHA HELL NO.
me: what if i throw in kid W with kid X. you know W is cool
david: well if you want Y, you gotta take Z.
me: wait wtf i dont want Z.
david: we’re tryin to get rid of Z.
me: gahd what the fuck man
david: Z and Y are a packaged deal.
me: okay…but Y isnt—
david: NOPE. TWO for TWO.
me: thas fucked up man
now you’re on the fence. Y is someone you want in your group, but Z is someone you REALLY dont want. so what the fuck do you do? the question is…IS IT WORTH IT? now the trick is, if the deal goes through, is it possible to trade Z again? so you gotta hype up Z a little bit, and you can’t act too annoyed.
me: fine. you got yourself a deal.
david: HAHAHAH YESS
now you have buyers remorse. was it really worth it? should i have played some mind games with him more? did he really think Y was that crucial to the dynamics of his small group? was his plan to get rid of Z the whole time?
now you’re tryin to get rid of Z, the unwanted kid who came along with the packaged deal.
2 minutes later
me: ay denny, i’ll trade you Z for—
me: hanna, ill trade you kid Z for kid R
now you start to think. how bad must kid R be?
all mind games. i remember shit used to get heated when julia and my sister were small group leaders.
note to others: smoothies taste better with yogurt
sun and joanna’s wedding was this past saturday, and congrats to them both. saw a lot of friends, it was a lot of fun.
steebos and i got there a little early and were checkin out the venue a little bit. open bar wasn’t even open yet so we went to the hotel bar to i guess “pregame?”
we walk through the hallway where the walls were just mirrors.
steves stops and looks into one, and i think “shit i might as well make sure i look good too.”
but then steve has that confused look on his face.
i dont think steve realizes its a fuckin mirror.
the dude really looked like this.
steve takes a step closer to the mirror.
yep, steve totally doesn’t realize its a mirror.
me: dude. its a mirror!
i mean did he really think there were two people, who look exactly like us, dressed like us, walking at the same pace as us was on the other side of the wall?
anyways the reception started and everything was fun. ive been to a lot of weddings now, and i’ve came to a realization that i’m always put at the rowdy ass table. usually we’re in a dark corner next to the bar, somewhere awway from everybody else. but this time we’re actually in the center! bad move sunjoanna, bad move. now i understand why.
open bar closed around 7, and wasn’t gonna reopen til around 8 or something like that. our table prepares for that by ordering 23423423434 drinks and putting it at our table. so of course thats bad news. not only that, people start comin up to our table and asking for our drinks. our table just turned into a mini open bar.
that was only for 3 people! and it wasn’t even all of it!
so we’re doin our thang, but oh man. i dont know if its cause we’re seated in the middle of the reception hall, but we were bein louder than fuck. this was the first time in the history of wedding receptions where a table next to us told us to quiet down. CORRECTION: told BOBBY to quiet down. how embarassing lol. but still kinda funny.
and im still thinkin about davids wedding how jason started booing loudly to richards best man speech. LOL.
but hey, our tables always the most fun. and the ironically the most empty. when the open bar reopens, our table dips like we found free crack.
and of course if you don’t take a shot with the rest of the table, bobby claims the fact that “you a little bitch”. and then deny him twice and he’ll bring up the “i see how it is. i thought you were my boy but i get it”.
and why the fuck does it work on us?
i drank for almost 12 hours that day. what a horrible thing to do.
so on saturday i went to go eat lunch with hanna and some of the seniors from my church youth group. an awfully cute bunch of kids. there was one girl there, lets call her kallie. shes a funny girl, taught me a bunch of cool hand shakes and awesome trendy dance crazes. i could go ahead and say shes one of my faves. we went to coastal flats, havin a good lunch, good convo, laughing and a bunch of other shizz. i forget what the fugg we were talking about but she stops and looks at me.
kallie: larry oppa (means big brother in korean), do you work out?
i almost fuckin blushed. like i haven’t been to the gym in like 6 months, i haven’t ran, i haven’t dieted, i havent lifted. all in all i havent done shit, and i was thinkin “good gahd im so glad i still kept somewhat in shape.” and lately i’ve been considering going to the gym again to get back in shape, so i can redfine the shapes of my body. but what she just said made me feel so secure and happy.
me: naw, kallie i havent! hahah i was act—
kallie: ooo…i HIGHLY recommend that you do.
me: fuck you kallie.
julia says i need to work out all the time. but no one ever builds up your self-esteem only to just pop that shit right away. thats just mean. safe to say that kallie is on my shiet list.
speaking of julia, steve and i rolled up to ARA saturday after the wedding. we saw julia and she got REALLL excited. automatic thought : she must be wasted. that got me really happy too, cause she rarely gets excited to see me. she was literally jumping up and down and i was like OH MAN i could get used to this.
we walked up to her, and im thinkin oh man ima hug the shit out of her.
AND THEN BAM! she jumps into steves arms, he twirls her.
julia: OHH MAN its been so long!!
steve: I KNOW RIGHT?
me (thinking): show rurl hae rah sheki durah. (basically sayin in korean, yeah go ahead. put on a damn show) why dont yall get married or something
so after a few seconds they settled down.
julia: ooooh man! how was the wedding????
steve: oh it was fun!
julia turns to me. oh boy this is it! i open my arms for my turn…and then…
she crosses her arms.
julia: sup larry.
why do girls hate larry
i thought about how a lot of movie posters are pretty similar, and if theyre made from the same guy or somethin. and then i saw this on a random site the other day and thought it was funny.
Popular movie poster cliches.
A Loner, view from the back
Back to back
Running in the street, tilted and tinted blue
Big Block Font over face
Giant Head over a Beach
Lady in Red
yesterday i was doin some soul searchin, doin some longboarding. as i was jammin, shreddin, i saw a big ass branch on the pavement. i thought to myself
“don’t hit that, cause that shitll fuck you up.”
so mentally noted. i’m approaching the branch and then something gross hit my face. a spider web. you know the thick spider webs that look like a bed sheet with a low thread count? i hit one of THOSE motherfuckers.
i HATE spider webs.
so i freaked out, and when i freak out everything i mentally noted goes to shits. so i hit the branch, trip off my board, and into the grass. you think “luckily you hit the grass.”
i kinda wanted to hit the pavement so i can get a sick street scar on my arm to show my friends. not like one that would have me bleeding profusely but something that would make me look bad ass. i only have one bad ass scar, but it looks more like someone spilled coffee on my arm.
if you remember, from this:
the worst part was when an elderly couple asked me
“you okay kid?”
its like bitch im 28, but thanks for caring! at least it wasnt a hot girl that saw me.
all the scars on my body are pretty embarassing:
playing with fire, cardboard cut, pulling cookies out of the oven, hitting the pole in tommys basement, tripping into a grill cause i scared of a firefly, getting toothpick stuck up my foot, etc.
i got no like “knife fight” scars or like “burned my arm pulling a baby out of a car taht was abotu to blow up”
i saw a new kellogg cereal
and i think ima try out. which leads to…
top 5 cereals
i came across this the other day. funny and true.
have a great weekend!
gahd i read what i just wrote and it seems like ima high school kid. talking about longboarding, sick scars to show my friends, all my favorite cereals have alarmingly high sugar content, an emo picture about a boys/girls, and a teenage chick flick. sigh. but…..
you can not imagine the immensity of the fuck i do not give.
a few weeks ago tommy jrok and i had a intense conversation about ketchup. a little backstory:
tommy jason and julia love ketchup. like out of all the people in the world, these motherfuckers love ketchup. for example, a while back tommy and i went to korea. koreans dont really use much ketchup. but thos bamas do love their soy sauce. so we went to mcdonalds. tommy asked for ketchup at mcdonalds, they gave him two packets. tommy asked for more, and the guy gave him one more. the guy probably thought tommy was tryin to break a record. have you seen internationally ketchup-pheenin tommy? cause i did. scary sight. i literally had to give him my ketchup to calm him down.
one time in high school i saw jason eating a basket of ketchup.
me: what the fuck. are you eating ketchup?
jason: naw the fries are in there.
gross. its not like he was tryin to prove a point, or show off how much he loves ketchup. it wasn’t that he was trying to be funny. he was just eating his fries.
have you ever eaten fries with julia? when ketchup comes out, first thing she says “omg i love ketchup.” and then throughout the next 15 minutes or so she’ll sporadically talk about ketchup.
i think cleezy loves ketchup too, but maybe i’m wrong? maybe i think he loves ketchup cause he’s italian? how so you ask?
cleezy > italian > they love lasagna > marinara sauce > tomato based product > ketchup
is that considered racial profiling?
you know the people who flip a shit when they get like a 1/3 bottle left of ketchup? thats them.
you know when you approach the packet of ketchup basket and theres like 2 left? blame them.
you know when you go to wendys and they have that stupid ketchup dispenser and they ask for an extra tray to carry their ketchup? das em.
you know those savages who open 3 packets of ketchup at once and you get so scared its gonna squirt out everywhere? das em
you know the people who flip a shit when ketchup just shoots out of the bottle when you hit the “57″ and theyre like “OMG wtf so much came out at once!!”? thats not them.
you know the people who get the cute little ketchup bottles at hotels and their like “aww thats cute?” thats not them. they think more like “seriously? this is all you give me?” and all they have at the dinner table is just a salad. not even fries.
anyways to the main point at hand. what we argued was, whats better? refridgerated ketchup vs room temperature ketchup? now most restaurants and white people houses don’t refridgerate ketchup (i think) but thats because they dont know what it feels like to have the perfect balance of a hot fry and cold ketchup.
tommy and jason believe ketchup should be left at room temperature.
i, on the other hand think it should be refridgerated. i love the warm/cool sensation in my mouth no homo.
you could argue this for jason/tommy’s warm ketchup:
its like eating spaghetti with cold marinara. who the fuck would want that?
but you could argue this for my sake:
people love cold pizza. i know its not actually cold, its just room temperature, but go fuck yourself its still a little cold isn’t it?
so we had whitney (rip miss) vs mariah. now we have another epic battle:
cold ketchup vs room temp ketchup.
which do you prefer?
writing helps me a little molasses.
tommy and i were sitting on the couch the other day, scrolling through channels. surfin, surfin, and bam! one of tommys favorite shows came on.
“that 70′s show”
and there she was. the hottie of almost all hotties, mila fuckin kunis. born in 1983, the same year i was born. but when the show first debuted in 1998, she was 14. FOURTEEN!! as was i? i think…14 or 15.
and of course, i thought she was HOT as shiet, as did every other guy. so there we were, sitting on the couch in 2012, watching an episode from the first season of that 70s show. tommy and i were talking about how hot she was.
and that, is the dilemma.
we are now, 26, 27, or 28, and as is she. but is it okay to say or think “i would totally 때려 (hit) that”. cause in reality, you’re 28, checking out a 14 year old on tv.
tommys thought: “its okay to think that, cause of the grandfather clause.”
what is the grandfather clause? its not some weird “pervert grandpa checking out a 14 year old” rule. wikipedia defines the grandfather clause as
Grandfather clause is a legal term used to describe a situation in which an old rule continues to apply to some existing situations, while a new rule will apply to all future situations. It is often used as a verb: to grandfather means to grant such an exemption. Frequently, the exemption is limited; it may extend for a set period of time, or it may be lost under certain circumstances.
example: lets say youre at a casino and you’re playing at a table where the minimum bet requirement changes from $10 to $25 at 10PM. you started playing at 9PM, and its 10:30PM and you’re still at the same table. if the allow the grandfather clause, your minimum bet requirement can still be $10.
another example: In 1965, the Canadian government under Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson passed legislation that required senators to retire when they reached the age of 75. However, senators appointed before the legislation was passed were exempted from the mandatory retirement rule
so, tommys thought: its okay to think that, cause we were young back then. and because we were first introduced to her at a young age, its okay to look at this episode and think “shes hot.” and ladies, don’t think its gross, cause the same goes for you. i.e leo dicaprio, joseph gordon levitt.
me: so, lets get this straight. if thats okay….and if i had a time machine right now and i traveled back in time, had the opportunity to hook up with mila kunis from 1998, it would be okay?
tommy: yeah…i guess? wait….
so is it okay or not?
my gahd, do you know how fun it is to go to images.google.com and type in “mila kunis?”
my gahd, do you know how gay it feels to look up pictures of joseph gordon levitt and leo di cap? and the fear of my coworkers walking in at any moment…*shudder
Korean utensil manufacturers should really get a translator. come on guys…. really?
have a nice day.
the birthday song
no, today is not my birthday. but you know what moment i hate the most? after dinner, the cake comes out, and all your friends are sitting there. smiling and anticipating. its REALLY cute, cause theyre excited for you. and they can’t keep a secret worth shit. you get up to use the bathroom or smoke a ciggy,
friend: uhh where you going?
me: um to smoke
friend: uhh but…you should sit.
friend: i think you should sit.
its madddd cute. but at the same time, i hate the dreaded song. and everybody sings the birthday song. to ME, those 40 seconds are soooo awkward. i have NO idea what to do. do i just sit there, stare at everybody til the songs over? do i just keep repeating the phrase “oh man you guys are too much. oh man you guys! you shouldn’t have!” while you guys sing? do i clap along? even when nobody else is clapping? do i just sit there and stare at the cake? do i sing along, and replace my name with the word “me!
the best scenario for things like this is when there kids around (not random kids, but like a niece or nephew) and then you sit the kid on your lap and you point at the camera and say “wow aint that pretty” but for me, usually there are none. and im pretty sure i would go to jail if i picked up some random kid at the restaurant and put him/her on my lap.
next time, ima just start crying. see what kind of expression everybody makes.
i bet my friends are gonna elongate the song just to piss me off. this video is hilarious.