Bobby, this is another entry dedicated to you. The other day, I asked you if you wanted to join us in watching the highly anticipated game between the New England Patriots vs New York Giants, this Superbowl Sunday. This is how the conversation went:
Thanks, Ass. For a decade, I’ve received countless “I’ll let you know”s, “I’ll probably stop by for a bit”s, “If I have time”s, “Um…depends if I can or not”s, “I’ll hit you up when I’m free”s, and the infamous “I gotta meet up some people and then I’ll hit you up”s. As if we have nothing better to do than sit there, in front of our phone, on the edge of our seats just to hear you say “yeah I guess I’m free. I’ll stop by for a bit.”
You might as well say this: “Thanks for the invite Larry. Sure I’ll go, only cause I’m obligated. Well, that is until something better comes up. Then I’ll spend most of my time somewhere else, and after I’m bored, I’ll show face for a bit so I can not only look cool, but also so I can have a grand welcoming.”
But before you say all that, the first thing you ask is “who’s goin?” And I admit, sometimes I do test you. It’ll go like this…
me: wanna go grab a drink?
you: whos goin?
me: me tommy roy
you: umm its pretty late. i got work tomorrow.
me: mel julia jessica jiae tina stacy tara thana donna dahari cleezy jason monica joan deborah myfreakinsister are also gonna be there
you: i mean yeah i’ll probbaly stop by for a bit.
I get it Bob, I get it. I wonder what you say to the people who you actually want to hang out with. “Sure! I will be there 100% on time.” You probably show up in your finest beanie, trendiest jeans, best polo, and your favorite snowboarding hoodie.
I wonder how you feel when you receive wedding invites and they don’t have a “I’ll probably stop by for a bit” check box. You probably get mad as fuck don’t you? Having to give a DEFINITE answer? LOL. Do you start sweating and does your body start convulsing as the pen approaches the check box?
When your wife is goin to the delivery room to give birth to your child, are you gonna say “um….I guess I’ll go. Let me see what dahari is doin and i’ll let you know if I can make it or not.”
When you had scantron eggsams and there were answers from A to D, did you fill in E?
But in all seriousness, you do show up. And if its a house party, you do ask if theres anything you can bring. And even if I say “we don’t need anything” you also bring over a case of beer or something and I thank you for that. i got nothin but love for ya.
JUST KIDDING YOU BIG BOOTY FREAKIN WISHY WASHY DICKHEAD. WHY CAN’T I GET I EVER GET A YES OR A NO FROM YOU?!?! I MEAN FOR FUCKS SAKE IS IT THAT HARD TO GIVE A LEGIT ANSWER?? I MEAN YOU REALLY ARE NOT GONNA HURT MY FEELINGS IF YOU SAY NO. YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES WHEN WE GO TO RESTAURANTS WE HAVE TO ASK FOR AN EXTRA CHAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER BECAUSE OF YOU? OR WE HAVE TO SAY “actually yeah the last guy isn’t comin, we’ll just go ahead and order.” LIKE COME ON MAN. YOU DONT HAVE TO LOOK COOL ALL THE TIME. GIVE ME A DEFINITIVE ANSWER PLEASE. JUST FOR ONCE! AND I KNOW YOU WANT TO COME, AND YOU ARE GOING TO COME BUT YOU JUST DONT WANT TO SHOW EXCITEMENT. EVER! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM BOBBY! SHOWING ENTHUSIASM IS OKAY!
AND REALLY. FOR FUCKS SAKE CUT Y OUR DAMN HAIR. WE MISS THIS BOBBY
BUT RIGHT NOW, YOU LOOK LIKE THIS BOBBY
the other day we were drinkin and chillin at our house doin normal business, and of course we had some music on. shots were being taken, everything was goin fine. this song came on johnhur’s ipod. glee’s (tv show) version of pink – raise your glass
johnhur: WHAT THE FUCK. NO FUCK THAT WE AINT LISTENIN TO THIS SHIT.
i was thinkin damn, he really wants party music huh. i expected rihanna, maybe some drake, maybe some kanye… but he plays
glee’s version of KATY PERRY – LAST FRIDAY NIGHT instead.
johnhur: HELL YEAH
how the hell you gonna act gangsta about changing one glee song to another.
so we’re out friday at ara. tommy decides to get a little crazy. you could even say assholedrunk, without the asshole part. passin pitchers around making everybody chug…good thing we didn’t have no lickity or we woulda prolly had to swig that. anyyways we talk about my recent entry: “is tear that ass up” sexual or violent? so we all agree its sexual. and of course it starts to get blown out of porportion. we were thinkin what if we got in a fight just to say a bunch of homosexual nonsense? we thought of situations like
random guy: you wanna take this shit outside?
us: oh motherfucker Im going to suck your fucking dick.
random guy: …..wait what
random guy: you wanna take this shit outside?
us: ima lick yo asshole and make you bust a nut
instead of putting fists up, you make abnormal blowjob hand motions. what would the guy do then?
yeah, thas pretty gross, but that would be so funny. kinda.
people often fight and have confrontations. fighting is stupid unless its to protect your loved ones. but check it.
a long time ago i was watching a heated verbal exchange with two guys outside. i can’t really remember where cause i was pretty drunk but i remember someone saying “IMA TEAR YOUR ASS UP” more recently, i was watching a movie and a hot girl was walkiin by a group of guys. one of the guys said “mph! i would tear that AZZ UP”
so now comes down to it. does “tear that azz up” have a sexual reference or a fighting reference?
this is what i dont want to happen.
friend: ima fuck that kid up.
friend2: lets go beat his ass down
me: yea ima tear that ass up.
friend: yeah for re—wait. what?!
friend2: …uh…are you gonna have sex with that guy
thats what i dont want to happen.
i started comparing it to the phrase “ima fuck you up.” do you guys realize how important the word “up” is in this context? If you drop the word “up” it totally turns it into a sexual phrase. it is important that people around you hear the word “up.” so, does that mean “tear your ass up” is a fighting reference and “tear your ass” is used in a sexual context?
i found out no.
professor johnhur of vulgar university tweeted me
“ima tear your ass up” is definitely a sexual reference. if a dude says that to you in a fight, you’re about to get butt raped.
okay that make sense. its improtant to know these things so you don’t ruin the heat of the moment.
have a great weekend yall
i dont know what to write about. until then…stay tuned.
DONT CALL IT A COMEBACK
after a great FUCKIn holiday week, yours truly is back to bloggin.
-i couldn’t have asked for a better new years. i steadied my alcohol intake, unlike jason. who said “fuck the cocktails, lets take shots.” and by 12:15AM, he came up to me. “FUCK I WANNA GO HOME. FUCK IT. IM GOING HOME.” LOL it wasn’t that he was having a bad time. he was just that drunk. i really thought he left a couple times cause he was just absent.
-we’re smoking outside and then a big black guy near us says somethin.
big black guy: jason!
jason: WHAT THE FUCK. MAJOR STOKES. WHAT THE FUCK.
for the next 10 seconds were one of the most confusing seconds of my life. jason jus ran around just screaming HOLY SHIT, OHMYGOD,WHATTHEFUCK MAJORSTOKES.. it was like this.
like we didnt know if he was gonna fight him or hug him. we didnt know waht the deal was but then they gave each other the bro hug.
-tommy jason and i quit smoking. $300 in the pot. worst part was that we wanted to remember our last cigarette. NOPE dont remember smoking our final cigarette. its only day 3, but i feel like its day 300.
-joan and steve quit smoking too but no money in the pot. when did joan give in? the night of january………1st.
-johnhur jason and i drank for 5 days straight. thas like a work week huh
-scooba made out with a girl at our holiday party. on tommys bed. LOL.
-jason threw the screen door off our deck
-a lot of girls just took of their shoes and carried them. or in our case, they gave em to tommy and johnhur.
stacy was drunk and couldn’t walk in her shoes. everybody thought she was gonna break her ankles. tara and i had to carry her, and that walk went like this
stranger: you should tell her to take off her shoes
tara: aw thanks but she refuses too
stranger2: hey i think it would be better if she just took off her shoes
tara: oooh yeah we tried, but she wont hahah
stranger3: hey girl, she needs to just take off-
tara: i know. we asked. she wont.
stranger23423432432: she should take-
tara: SHE WONT. WE TRIED.
stranger234324234223345345: hey how-
tara: SHE WONT.
30 seconds i saw the death eyes.
tara: SLOW DOWN LARRY.
-people were taking couple pictures. it was cute. dahari/jess. stevehyung/hanna. sage/hisgirl. deborah/tommy/jason.
-and of course many more stories. but lets get into that later.