last weekend was stacy’s bday (happy birthday stace). we went to spider kelly and got some drinks in.
uh oh time to pee, and so i went. so i walk in to the guys bathroom until i hear a bunch of guys go
“AY BUDDY. LINE STARTS BACK HERE MAN”
turn around and theres a line of 5 or 6 white guys. so i said oops and went to the back of the line.
10 seconds later, a black guy comes into the bathroom, and unknowingly cuts in front of everybody. doesn’t notice the line.
all the white guys just look at each other giving the “YOU tell him” “no, YOU tell him”
and then they had the “fuck it, just let him pee” look.
i kid you not. it was funny as shit.
and thus promotes the fact: white people are scared of black folk lol.
so after a few more chitchats and drinks, we leave to go to park.
on our way there we probably had on one of the best car rides ever. hip hop blastin.
we stop at a light and look to the right. what do we see?
jason grabs my steering wheel and honks my horn loud. its like 12:30 AM
me: yo wtf?
jason: that sign says to honk!
jason sticks his head out the window.
jason: OCCUPY THEEZ NUTS
i think the whole movement heard him lol.
jrok is occupy movement enemy #1
and we drive off.
it was a “you had to be there moment.”
enjoy your wednesday people.
k i love you bye
FUNNY STATUS UPDATE/RESPONSE OF DAY:
while we were doing our final negotiations with our new house, i was living at parents house for about 2-3 weeks. which was pretty cool in most cases cause i get to kick it with my grumma, get free food, closer to work and church, and my grumma folds my laundry for me.
-trying mask the cigarette and alcohol smell in the mornings
-my parents asking for help on every single thing when it comes to technology
but for some reason, this is the biggest downside. so this is a problem that me and hutch both have, and many of you might have as well. so i download a lot of movies: some good, some bad. most of the time i leave my door closed, but because my grumma can’t yell out my name too loud these days i kept it open and unlocked.
so its late night, my parents are coming back from the gym and im in my room watching a movie. and for some fuckin reason, my mom or dad always comes into my room when theres a sex scene. sometimes like its one of those “wow, now thats a sex scene.” and its not like i can quickly close out the window cause then they’ll think i was watching a porno and im trying to hide it. i can’t pause it, cause there would just be a boob or a girls ass frozen on my screen.
i used to have my laptop hooked up to my stereo speakers, so when i’d watch movies id turn up the speakers so i get the diggity sound effect. but when that sex scene came out, epsecially the ones that came out of nowhere, u can understand what would happen.
and if its not a sex scene, its a freakin guy drawing a penis on a piece of paper and its blown up on my lap top screen. and my parents just stand there talking to me, while i’m just screaming in my head “gahd this is soooo awkward. i wish they would just sit here and watch the rest of the movie with me so they can understand that its not porn.”
its awkward enough when im watching a movie or a tv show with a sex scene. LOL LIKE TITANIC. i saw that with my parents, and “jack i want you to draw me like one of your french girls” was another “aw fuck really?” moment. it was awkward enough for my dad and me when we were watching the superbowl half time show and janet jacksons boob came out on our big screen tv during the superbowl halftime show.
this past friday i coached my church girls flag football team for a turkeybowl tournament. had to go to chuch on black friday at 6 AM. oh, i also made my annual mistake of drinking til 430 in the morning. last year i drank til 3am, coached all day. this year? i took it to another level.
i wake up on my bed thinking “oh fuck i did it again.” i get a phone call.
church kid: hey larry oppa…are you awake
me: huh….ye..ill…be there.
went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, threw up in my sink. “never brush your tongue when you’re drunk” – johnhur.
carefully drove to church thinking “oh. my gahd. i can’t drive.”
pulled up to church, walked by dennys (the other coach) car. dennys in there throwing up in a trashbag. LOL i hope it wans’t the shots we bought him last night. and then i felt the headspins, so i jsut dipped to the corner of the church and threw up my life.
so it was time to carpool and leave. but uh oh, can’t drive in my inebriated state. so i made my sisters god daughter drive my car while i tried to get my shit together. and so the 8 hour misery began.
last year, our girls had a huge problem with unsportsmanlike conduct and cursing. after grilling them in practice about that, i thought i could make a difference. BUT NOPE. it got even worse. some girls pretty much stepped up to the refs.
tournament chaperone: um…yeah you’re qb just said “suck my dick” to the ref.
me: aw jeez.
pulled my qb to the side.
me: DAMN IT joyce. i told you not to curse what the fuh—–(stopped. and thought about julius). 1:08 mark
damn. they got me.
and thas how my friday went.
thanksgiving? no turkey, no mashed potatoes, no green bean casserole, no cornbread, no pie, no cranberry cylinders. just duck.
my mum said “you know what? your sisters not coming, no help. screw it. we’re not eating turkey. we’re just eating duck.” i said das cool mother.
so here we are, eating duck. i’m on my last bite, and i’ve been saving this one. everything was perfect. while i’m taking my last bite..
grumma: i think i saw mice poop in the kitchen.
me: orph. (sound of me about to puke)
mother: WHAT? WHERE. why would u bring that up at the dinner table.
pop: that wasn’t mice poop, i just dropped some dirt from the flower pot.
but it was too late. all i was thinking about was mice poop. and that was my thanksgiving dinner.
so this year my sister is staying in LA for thanksgiving, which means my mum doens’t get any help. especially from me and pops. so this year she said “fuck it. not doin turkey.” ever since i could literally remember, for the past 25+ years my family has been celebrating thanksgiving with tommys family and steves family. but as more of our relatives start to migrate to america, the more shitshow thanksgiving becomes. i still rather just celebrate with tommys and steves fammajammas. dont need to see my socially awkward cousins LOL
so my mom said she cant handle the workload anymore, so no turkey for me this year. well at least from my home that is.
and every year, i get a different “ignant” ass coworker come to me.
coworker: hey so any plans this week?
coworker: do you guys celebrate thanksgiving?
me: uh…yeah dude
coworker: do you eat turkey?
me: no. we eat sushi and noodles.
coworker: oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh i see i see
me: naw man that was a joke.
coworker: oh so where u eating the turkey durkey this year
me: umm…well. i’m not.
so then i have to explain everything to him. shoulda just gave him my blog address so he could read this.
cliche but fuck it
what am i thankful for?
family + friends
a new roof over my head
every recipe in the world that requires a “2 cup of sugar” minimum
chic fila being so close to work
my awesome madden skills
my 10 weekend roomates
my chuch kids
two big ass monitors at work
cable tv, cable internet
watching batman the animated series with my grumma errday after work
knee high socks
kay jung (only tommy gets it)
hot ass girls
girls with nice personalities
friends working at park and k street
supras being allowed into clubs
neil patrick harris
wrestling references are back
the color cyan
alcohol (sometimes im not thankful for that)
and much more
happy thanksgiving guys. hope its full of good food, good company, good partying, hopefully someone gets the sex, people being not drinking and driving, and memories being made.
k i love oyu bye
going on a holiday break, wont really write til monday, but i leave you with a humorous story.
so i’m coaching my church girl’s flag football team. last year i did the same thing, and i remember that miserable day like it was yesterday. it was the day after thanksgiving, i slept about 1.5-2 hours after a night of heavy drinking. like a heavy fuckin night of drinking. in fact, that whole damn week was probably the strongest drinking week i’ve had since my youth.
the first touchdown, one of my girls spiked the ball and screamed obscenties. during a church tournament. like she just went and beat the nazis in the superbowl. thas how extreme it was.
got flagged for that.
a girl tripped and fell on a few plays after that. screamed “aw what the fuck”
got flagged for that.
and thats how the rest of the day was like. so we went 2-1, went into the playoffs, won a game, then the girls came up to me and said “we’re tired and cold. we dont wanna play anymore.” i was like “WTF WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL FOR GAHT DAMN IT?”
this year, the girls promised they wouldn’t quit like last year. this year, i’ve been training them on watching their mouths.
me: so during the game, things can get heated.
girls: uh huh
me: and i know you guys curse a lot. and we got in a LOT of trouble for that last year. along with the many unsportsmanlike conduct calls. so lets not curse at all.
girl 1: does damn count?
me: um… yeah.
girl 2: how bout crap
girl 3: waht about hell
me: um……i dont think so. just dont’ say fuck damn shit bitch. lets try saying something happy like “butterflies”
now did that work? of course not. a girl caught the ball and dropped it.
me: whatd you just say?
girl: uhh butterflies?
me: thats what i thought.
that evolved to….
girl: aw….FUCK…DAMN IT I MEAN BUTTERFLIES
that evolved to
girl: DAM—ERRR BUTTERFLIES
and now, when they mess up…what do they say?
girl: AW FUCKIN BUTTERFLIES.
in other news, the guys played football on saturday. jason had a qb rating of 98%. tommy had a qb rating of i believe 10%. but he rushed for 100 yards. those are my quarterbacks.
k i love you bye
my grumma is an old lady, who speaks no english. i dont know how, but when the cleaning people come to my parents house, she fully communicates with the latino ladies. they speak spanish, my grumma yells at them in korean. it still confuses the shit out of me how they do it.
anyways my grumma is very obssessive about having the door locked. she always thinks our house is gonna get invaded by burglars. i’ll go make a quick run to cvs, which is a 5 minute drive away, and BAM. doors locked. that is the most annoying shit in the world to me. thinking that the door is unlocked, you have all this shit in your hands, but then you have to get out your key and look for your house key.
she locks the door so much that she sometimes locks herself out, then i gotta leave work to open the door lol. she sometimes even does it when i go to get the mail, take out the trash, go to my car. like i have to tell her “GRUMMA IM GOING OUT FOR 2 SECONDS DONT LOCK THE DOOR” my grumma is old and shes a slow mover, but when it comes to locking the door she moves like the wind.
for the most part it annoys me cause i dont want her to walk all the way to the door to lock it, and then i’m locked out, and she has to walk all the way to the door to let me in. and our conversations go like this.
grumma: WHO IS IT
me: GRUMMA LET ME IIIINNNN ITS MEEEE
grumma: WHO IS IT
me: YOUR DAMN GRANDSON I WENT TO GET THE MAIL
grumma: I THOUGHT YOU LEFT
me: NO I DIDNT. CAN YOU OPEN THE DOOR
grumma: i thought you left
me: why do you lock the door all the time?
grumma: cause! there might be burglars out there!
me::its 2pm! you think people are just gonna rob a house during the middle of the day? and why would they just walk on right through the front door?
60% of the time, she does it everytime.
life is beautiful
k i love you bye
wally, tommy, jason, deborah and i are chillin, gettin som drinks in, jus shootin shit. somehow, the topic of turtles came up.
deb: so what are turtles again?
and we simultaneously answered…
jason: why would you…think theyre mammals?!
tommy: dolphins are mammals! dolphins live in water. AS DO TURTLES.
me: so do fish! that doesn’t make fish mammals!
deb: then wait….what are fish?
jason: i think they’re jus fish
me: why dont you ask siri
jason: siri, what are fish
siri: i dont understand.
jason: fuck you siri
deb: i’ll look it up
30 seconds later
deb: i found it!
tommymejasonwally: what is it?
we all listen carefully.
deb: it says that fish are from the kingdom of…..ani-malia?
jason: umm….animalia = animals. yeah we know that.
worst part: tommy’s major in college? biology.
i go to popeyes too much. how do i know that?
today on facebook, i got a friend request from the manager.
no i did NOT accept.
life is beautiful
k i love you bye
On a serious note, I would like everybody to bow their heads for a moment of silence. For those of you who may not know,
Last week, another well-known company followed their lead. Dippin’ Dots Inc., filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, the Wall Street Journal reported.
Thats like the saddest news in history. I was informed about this Friday by tina, and reminded again by dahari. Time to go spend all my money on ice cream. whos in?
this past weekend tommy and i moved back to our parents house, just for a week until our have our settlement on our new base. so we spent saturday moving, cleaning, drinking, partying. then i had to wake up early sunday morning to enlighten the minds of my church youth group (still drunk). and it was just overall a long weekend. so by the time sunday night rolled around, my ass was tired as hell. and that was the weirdest night of all. let me explain. when i’m really tired, i get weird and crazy dreams.
so last night i had a dream, that it was monday morning and i was late for work. my mom was knocking on my door to wake up. which also sucks cause work has invaded my dreams. in my dream…
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
mom: GET UP GET UP youre gonna be late for work!
me: I”M ALWAYS LATE. IM UP LEAVE ME ALONE (i lied in my dream i was still in bed)
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
but this time i really woke up. like in REAL life. and i was furious cause it was still dark, and i thought my mom was really waking me up. i walk towards the door.
me: ITS STILL DARK WHY DO I NEED TO GET UP. I SAID I”M UP SHEESH LET ME JUST SLEEP–
i open the door. theres no one there. in fact, its still night. i was confused as shit. imagine me just standing there in the dark, grouchy and mad at nobody.
i stood there, trying to recap waht the fuck just happened. trying to separate reality from a dream. honest to gahd someone performed inception on me. i said fuck it and went back to my bed, and stubbed my toe HARD on a fuckin box. that was definitely real.
so 830 came around, woke up, and at the time, i didn’t even remember what i did. i walked downstairs.
mother: were you talking on the phone last night?
mother: you were yelling at somebody really loud.
then i remembered the events of my dream/night.
saturday was what we call a classic separated shitshow. i dont know why, but we drank like we were in high school. next thing i know, i wake up in on my bedroom floor. couldn’t even make it to my bed.
tommy: i threw up on 66. while the car was moving.
tommy: i stuck half my body out the car, and left streaks on deborahs car
me: yeah i barely remember throwing up at park
tommy: then joan started throwing up cause of me
i got a text from jason
jason: completely blacked out
roy messaged me
roy: kev threw up in my car
that was one craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay night
k i love you bye
beardy’s chillin at his desk, and pulls out a small container. uh oh. he brought em cooks. beardy’s wife is an EXCELLENT baker. anyways, she baked these cookies and they looked AMAAAAAZING.
beardy: larry want a cookie?
me: naw man i’m good. thanks though!
i dont know why those words came out of my mouth. oh my gahd i dont know why i said that. i clearly wanted one, but i dont know why i said no. like what the fuck was that? so the whole day i’m waiting for beardy to ask “u sure you dont want one?” but he never does. AHHH. beardy leaves to go home early, but leaves the container at his desk. 2 left.
now..the dilemma is…is it okay to take one? i mean he DID ask earlier. and the container is in the middle of his desk which shows that he didn’t want to hide it so its obvious he wants people to see it, but if he wanted people to take one he woulda put it at the edge of his desk, with the lid off.
this is such a fuckin mind game.
last friday we hit up lulu’s to get some drinks in. jrok and debrocks were playing Words with Friends, the scrabble-like game.
jason: who starts off with a 7-letter word?!?
jason: i mean she has to be cheating. what kind of word is “steer-red” anyways?
debrocks: um……….the word is pronounced “steered.” omg can’t you read?!
debrocks: HAHA monics read this word outloud.
deb shows her the phone.
she thought it was a trick question.
k i love you bye
so i went to my parents house yesterday to hand out some candy with my grumma. so i’m watching tv and i hear the doorbell ring. none of them ring the regular doorbell. they ring the customized korean doorbell my parents must have installed which goes on for like a minute of different fuckin chimes.
anyways, i open the door to find a asian 5th graderish boy, all by himself. kinda felt bad for the kid. his costume? the kid is wearing a motherfuckin gaht damn burgandy wool sweater vest.
boy: trick or treat!
me: hey buddy. HAHAHA who are you supposed to be? chandler bing? AAHHAHAha
i’m fumbling around the candy tray trying to do this as fast as possible.
me (mumbling): just…a….joke….nver…seen..friends…have you…
i hope he doens’t think i said “you dont have any friends”
about 30 minutes later i get another doorbell. but these kids keep pressing it while im walking to the door. impatient little fuckers arent they? a group of latino and black kids, one white kid (dave chapelle: when shit goes down, somebodys gonna have to talk to the police) these kids look like punkasses. the type of kids who would take the whole basket if i wrote the sign “take 3″. i decided to give them the mounds bars. the candy that every kids hate.
so i’m handing out the candy..
black kid: HEY i want that twix
the kid steals the twix from my tray. i steer away from any possible contreversial racial jokes. it aint the 90s, and the world doesn’t need another black kid thinkin that an asian grown up hates him.
latino kid: how come he gets a twix and i dont?
got an idea!
me: you get 2 twix cause you didn’t take from my tray.
black kid: aw what the heck man
omg. im a grown up. when did that happen
k i love you birdy bye