halloween was halloween. girls in skanky clothes, bars being packed you know the deal.
i’m walkin through the club, and a girl falls into me. she apologizes and i look. theres a fight about to break out. but its not just a fight. its a fight on halloween. have you ever wondered who would win in a fight between a vampire and a pirate? yeah i was abotu to find out. but then the damn bouncers bull rushed and kicked them out. what i was REALLY hoping was for the vampire to pull out his fake sword out, and i wanted the vaimpre to fling his cape back, ready to battle. then i wished that all the pirates ran behind the fighting pirate, while all the vampires in the club run behind the fighting vampire. imagine how epic that would have been. but sadly, that didn’t happen. i did see 2 other fights/confrontations happen. people fighting in costumes is just too hilarious.
so yeah steebs and i dressed up as mimes and people gave us props. and theres so many people givin us props for our costumes, but i didnt know if we were friends or not because of the costume. so they put their hand out: i dont know whether to just shake their hand, or do the bro hug where you shake the hand, go in for the bro hug, tap their back with the other. there were a lot of “do i know you” moments. cept when it was a black guy. the only black guy i know is gerald so i knew i didn’t know them.
k i love you bye
so theres this kid thats part of my church youth group. shes a junior in high school and i’ve known her for a couple years. this girl has a big attitude for a small girl. anyways nice girl i guess. she facebook messages me ” i need to interview someone thats over 25 for my psych class. can i interview you?” i said sure why not. so she chatted on me on facebook.
selecia - oaky larry.
me - its larry oppa jackass.
selecia - okay oppa sheesh
me- okay shoot.
selicia – how old are you
me – 28. but people say i have charming looks of a 24 year old.
selcia – yeah and you act like ur 8. (SEE? thats the attitude i was talkin bout)
selecia – anyways whats your favorite age and why?
me – you want the truth?
selecia- im scared to say yes. but yeah.
me – 23
selicia – why
me - by the time your 23, you’re well aware of the nightlife. you know the places to go, where the good spots are. all of your friends are at least 21 so you can pretty much party anywhere.
selicia - omg. are you seriously gonna make me write that
me - AND you should have a job, which means you have money to spend without the huge responsibilities. and you don’t have to worry about the quarterlife yet, unlike when you’re 24. so no marriage talk just do whatever the hell you want.
me - WHAT. YOU WANTED MY HONEST OPINION
selicia – OKOK omg k fine but
selicia – next question: in your opinion, whats the most difficult age and why. TERSE. I HAVE TO WRITE ALL THIS.
me – 28, cause you’re just older. you have more responsibilities, and have to focus on steadily living your life. one more step away from having fun, more aching parts in your body.
me – k is that it?
seleicia – no. what are the pros and cons of your age
me – pros – you have a better judge of character, you have more knowledge about the world, and you have more money. cons – you have more responsibilites, and youre body just HURTS on monday.
selicia – lol okay. what do you think classifies as “old” age? does reaching this age scare you? why or why not?
me – i believe that the term old is relative to the age you are. i used to think 25 was old, but now i think 30 is old. and for now, yes it does scare me. when i was young i thought i would be married and well on my career by the time i was 30. thats why it scares me, if you’re 30 and have a family, i consider you young. if you’re 30 and you dont have that, i consider you old. its also relative to where you are in life.
selicia – developmental social psychologist erik erickson said that people in your age group deal with the crisis: intimacy vs. isolation. do you agree with his asessment? intimacy vs. isolation- young adults struggle to form close relationships and to gain the capacity for intimate love, or they feel socially isolated. that’s the description
me – WTH
selicia – lol. answer?
me – social psychologist erik erikson is an idiot. AND what kind of person has his first name IN his last name. i mean his parents couldn’t have any other ideas? and no i dont believe that assessment at all. was this assessment made in the 1400′s? this guy was a loser wasnt he? waht kind of people did this fool hang out with.
selicia – i have to write that?
me – well thas my answer
selcia – omg okay. if you could be my age, what would you do differently? for instance, what do you wish you had known, or what advice would you have for me?
me – study harder, pray harder, love harder. appreciate the people in your life, don’t be afraid to try new things, and stay off streets named after civil rights activists. and don’t ever go to the popeyes off of route 28.
selicia – lol okay. done!
me – oh and don’t drink and drive.
selicia – okay. thanks!
me – no prob.
after me and tommy talked about it, what that erik erikson said makes sense. oops.
k i love you bye
this is my guide to slacking off at work.
-when bullshitting on your computer, always remember to have your fingers on alt + tab. ALT TAB ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT KEYS ON YOUR KEYBOARD.
-always be aware of your surroundings. try to remember specific sounds of chairs creaking, doors opening, footsteps. i trained my mind and ears for years. my boss’s chair makes a certain squeak. i could be watching music videos or watching funny youtube clips, but my ears always listening out for the squeak.
- never smile or laugh at your monitor. no one smiles while doing work.
1. if you put gas in your tank once a week, always do it during lunch or during the work day. thats one less errand for you to run on your time
2. alt tab is a must, but ctrl+tab is the forgetton friend. it changes tabs in your web browser.
3. make sure your work files are always saved. well duh, but heres my reason: watching a video, but UH OH. your browser is frozen and alt tab is not working and someone is coming. FUCK IT, just turn off the computer.
4. my company recently converted our work email platform to google. i customized my work email theme to look exactly like my personal gmail account. can’t tell the difference form far away.
5. if possible, use two different browsers. i use I.E for my slacking off, cause i have “delete browsing history upon closing” enabled. chrome is my work related broswer. never, EVER mix those up.
6. look at your monitor. does the screen frame have a reflection? try to position so you can use it as a mirror. not so you can look at yourself, but to see if anybody is standing behind you looking at you.
7. if your writing an email to your friend or writing an entry on a blog, always write it on your work email server. like i am right now. people never know the difference.
8. sleepy? take a work manual, important document, or any suitable reading document, and put in your desk. look down, and take a nap.
9. when REALLY sleepy, use “the pen drop.” this is maneuver has numerous conditions, but it is effective.
condition 1) you must have your own office
condition 2) you must have balls
i only know one man to accomplish this high risk maneuver, and he goes by the name of tommy. one day tommy was so sleepy, and didn’t want to take off work. he said fuck it, went under the desk and slept, taking a pen with him. in case someone walks in, he gets up holding his pen. because he dropped it.
10. two monitors? a little embarassed of what youre looking at? maximize your work email on the left monitor, maximize another important document/program on the right monitor. open up a new web browser, make it small, and place it in the middle, near the bottom. although a little hard to read, most likely your body is blocking it from unwanted eyes.
11. if you have to choose one, take monday off instead of friday. on fridays, people tend to be more relaxed, focused on the weekend. a lot of people even take off fridays, so more open opportunities to slack.
12. i dont do this, but i’ve heard of people clipping their nails at work.
13. slacking off a lot in one day? always remember to ask work-related questions to people around you.
14. always move mail on your desk right away. stacked mail = slacking.
15. have an attractive noticeable object away from your monitor. if people come to your desk, theres a more likely chance that their eyes go immediately to the object, not to your monitor. do not use candy, cause that gives people (LIKE MY BOSS) reasons to come to your desk. and they eat all your candy. assholes.
16. always have your company website open on another tab. what do you mean? lets say your writing on someones wall on facebook, but uh oh you forgot to write a very important work email! do you go straight to it? NO. click on the tab that has your company website on it, and THEN go to your work email. NEVER HAVE ANYTHING VISIBLE.
17. sleeping or slacking off at your desk? sometimes i mutter words “why isnt this working or what the hell?” just so it sounds like your doing work and somethins not working right.
and thas the way i roll.
k i love you bye
this past weekend jason wanted me to meet him up at this speed dating event he was goin to with wanye. i heard these events are usually just fun cause all you do is drink and meet girls. its not like people really go to meet their soul mate or anything. anyways i didn’t end up goin, but me and hutch did discussed how funny it would be if we went. and what kind of things we would say. what would be the most fucked up things to say?
-immediately when she sits down you say “NEXT!”
-while shes talking, you jus shout “OMG TIME IS GOING BY SOOO SLOWWWW”
-you tap the guy next to you and ask for a trade
-you whisper to her “hey arent guys supposed to be sitting on this side”
-”can you pat my back while i throw up”
-you point at her and yell “what is this”
-you ask her what her name is…and then…
so met up jason at ballroom afterwards and this guy was wasted. and he tells me why.
me: how was it?
jason: oh i jus drank at the bar, but i did sit in for someone for a bit
me: and it went…
jason: OH MY GAHD. ALL SHE TALKED ABOUT WAS 9/11!!
me : AHAHAHAHAH
jason: LIKE “where were you during 9/11?” WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT
jason: THATS ALLLL. SHE. TALKED. ABOUT.
i was looking through facebook and a church girl posted this picture with the caption “peanut butter jelly time”
awkward pet halloween costume of the day- dog dressed as a peeled banana? or a white-supremacist canine?
funny video of the day – i saw this on google/reader. i have no idea what this movie is about, but this scene is too funny.
k i love you bye
so friday night we’re at ballroom, doin the things that we do and OH MAN my friends are getting smashed. so we’re in our own little section, talkin, dancin doin our thing. but whats this? a latin invasion? slowly but surely, this spanish couple starts dancing like right in front of us. and at this point, we’re pretty much standing in a line as if it was a show. like grindin right in front of us. and i wouldn’t really say its good dancing either, just kinda awkward like the guy is concentrating to hump the shit out of this girl.
so they did their thing, we did ours. then a funny thing happened, and i thought i was the only one noticin it but jenn realized it too.
latin couple dancing, and this OTHER guy comes over to talk to her. they dont stop dancing, and yet shes still talkin to the other guy. its not a quick hi&bye, but a “lets get to know each other” talk. this new guy has no regard for the other guy AND the bro code. like what the hell is goin on? and slowly but surely, this girl just stops dancing and talks to this new guy, while the other guy is still humpin the shit out of her LOL.
and then finally, the dancing guy gets the hint: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAN THIS GUY STOLE HER. so he walks away, while the new guy starts dancing with the girl now. AND THAT, is a cockblock.
there was also a guy breakdancing. who break dances at the club? do you know how many drinks are spilled in that area? yuck.
picture compilation of the day: my friends sleep weird as shit.
thas my bed.
its like a skewer
yep theres someone under there.
are you chillin or are you sleepin
but the real question is
is it creepy to take pictures of people sleeping?
less than three,
my pops is a simple man. all he needs is family, golf, some friends, and his good ol’ harmonica. we had a conversation about our dreams and what we’ve always wanted to do. i asked my pops what he would do with $500 billion dollars and he responded with “probably just work.” and i wasn’t shocked to hear that. i’m not sayin the dude likes to work, but he always needs something to do. unlike me, he can’t sit on his ass and do nothing for a day.
pops: what would you do?
me: i’d party for a week straight with my friends, and then the next 3 months i would do absolutely nothing. and then id start all the businesses that i wanted to open up.
pops: do nothing for 3 months? your crazy.
me: you would work? like what kind of work?
pops: i’d be a waiter.
me: are you shittin me?
mom: yeup he does
my pops is a weird guy. a waiter and not like one of those classy upscale waiters, but like the ones you see at applebee’s and TGI Fridays. weird guy.
for instance, one time in high school tommy called, and there was this funny noise coming from the basement.
tommy: what the hell is that noise
me: i dunno, sounds like a dying grizzly bear
so i went to check. the noise was getting louder and louder as i approached a room in the basement. and to my amazement i saw him, playing a gaht damn trumpet.
he looks at me while playing the trumpet and smiles.
me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING
pops: what does it look like i’m doing? i’m playing the trumpet.
me: what? wait what? do you even know how to play?
pops: nope, but i always wanted to play so i rented one out.
now THAT, was a weird week. my pops loves to sing, dance, and plays the shit out of his harmonica. but the trumpet? that was not something he was meant for. so it shouldn’t have been THAT shocking that he said he wanted to be a waiter. im just afraid that the next time my friends and i go to ara my dad will be the one getting us popcorn and soju.
this guy is the shiet
the other day i walked into a bathroom and found myself in a dilemma. i found a $5 bill on the floor. the dilemma is…is it worth it? why? cause its on the BATHROOM floor. it looked clean and dry. but for all i know, that $5 bill could be covered in poopoo and peepee. if it was a $1, i’d leave it. not worth it. just a dollar. but its $5! then i started to think, hmm…what if someone dropped the $5 bill in a puddle of unknown bathroom floor liquid? definitely not worth it. and imagine the number of ppl that mightve stepped on it? yuck. i’m not a big germaphobe but sometimes i find myself in a germaphobes method of thought. which basically made me think..
if i put those $5 in my pocket, my pocket would now be bathroomesque dangerous. and if i accidentally put my phone in my pocket, my phone is now flagged. and if i used my phone..which touches my cheek? my cheek would be infected with bathroom floor bacteria. and IMAGINE ALLLL THE sad girls who wouldnt be able to kiss my cheek. yeah definitely not worth it. so i just left it there.
what would you do?
i had to go to my car the other day from a restaurant, and i was in a rush. so i was walking pretty fast until…YEP. a big fuckin family walking in one slow horizontal FUCKIN line down the sidewalk. ARE YOU SERIOUS WHY WOULD YOU TAKE UP THE WHOLE GAHT DAMN SIDEWALK?!?! and they ALWAYS WALK SLOW AS SHIT. now i’m not a fast walker like julia jiae but WTF. OFF TOPIC: is it just me or do all the short people walk faster than taller people? but thats another topic for another time. BACK TO THE TOPIC: its like the same when you drive on an open 4-lane highway and eveyrbody drives the same slow speed. its fuckin nervewrecking especially when youre in a hurry.
julia jiae would prolly just scream “get the fuck out of my way” but i dont have the balls to yell at a middle eastern family. so i jus jump on the street and walk faster, like everybody else doin it. and i turned around to see if they noticed people being annoyed…nope. not at all.
less than three,
saturday, u street, dc, 2am, jrok monics and i lookin to get some za. its dc, lot of drunk people on the streets including us. i got bumped into once, jrok proabbly once, monics? about 300. like how is it that the smallest one out of all three of us got bumped into the most? i’m thinkin cause she speed walks or maybe shes jus lookin for some trouble. when i bump into people, i jus say “excuse me” and go on my way. jrok jus walks on without sayin anythin. monics on the other hand, ish gets serious. your heart skips a beat, the warm fuzzy feeling you have suddenly turns cold. theres a sudden sharp tingly feelin on the back of your neck. monics is about to get bmore on everybody. and i am always relieved that she doesn’t carry a concealed weapon cause i’m pretty sure she’s jus shoot em up. shit im pretty sure jrok and i’d get hit too. ON PURPOSE! anyways we got our pizza, walk to the car (of course not with out jason offering our pizza and the pizza we bought for our friends to some random strangers), sit on theside walk and eat our pizza in peace.
from the corner of my eye i see 2 girls and a guy about to walk by us. theyre in a conversation about something until we hear….
guy: go back to china!
oh yes he did just say that.
jrok: hold up whatd you just say man?
me: what the fuck?
monics: WHAT THE F*CK YOU SAY MOTHERF*CKER??
all three of them just got shook cause they jus said the wrong thing at the wrong time. these people did not look drunk, not lookin for any trouble.
guy: no wait-lemmie expl–
monics: NO. WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU JUS SAY
dude looked like he was about to shit in his pants. obviously as an asian you’d be pissed as shit. but the three of them looked legitatemly as if it was an accident, shocked and sorry.
guy & girls: no wait -
monics: NO YOU DONT JUS F*CKIN SAY THAT
guy: no seiorusly um donnie darko
jrok: yeah i’ve seen it
monics: I DONT CARE YOU DON F*CKIN–
girl: no we were just watching donnie darko and—
monics: NO I DONT GIVE A SH*T
i think he did shit himself. this guy has no idea what he jus did. so we gave them time to explain as if we were the yakuza or triads or somthin LOL. and they us what they were referencing, added with some nervous laughter..
turns out they were talking about this scene
and we jus happened to be there. i mean really know how it feels. its like tryin rap outloud to biggie, checking around if there are any black folks, and then once you realize you’re in the clear, you whisper out the lyric and drop the n bomb, somehow a black guy appears out of nowhere. its like a situation like that. so monics lets them off the hook, they apologize one more time, jrok even offers them a bite of his pizza.
guy n girls: okay yall have a good night
me & jrok: you do the same
so we finish our pizza, jason throws his crust to the side, i do the same. you should know that we’re sitting against the wall of a persons yard, and there are people behind us chit chatting. and without lookin, monics jus throws it back over her shoulder, almost hittin them. they look around confused, we get in the car and drive off. throwin pizza crust wherever you want: GANGSTA.
then took shots til 430 am and passed out.
that shit cray.
less than three,
monic’s henchman #1
have you ever seen the movie “the next 3 days?” starring russell crowe, and that kinky girl from 40 year old virgin. basic premises: wife is accused of murder, husband can’t live without her and tries to break her out. now if i was a cop and a husband attempted to jailbreak his wife, i wouldn’t think “we must catch them!” instead, i would think “that. is. so. fuckin. cute.” and then probably let them go. i would probably put on a show like “oh those assholes got away!” but inside i’d be like “live. live forever you guys.” i only WISH i could feel like that for a girl. risk my life, leave my friends & parents behind, move to a different country.
same thing in the movie “blow.” george (johnny depp) evades the law to be with his dying wife. cause if he hadn’t, she woulda died all alone. let them do their thang sheesh. also in sound of music. that guy had to be a nazi general guy again, but he wanted to be with his family. is that a crime? naw. that is love. let him and his family live in the hills.
speaking of that scene, do you guys ever wonder what they did for food and water? i mean they escaped the nazis, and you see them singing and climbing up a hill. um…do you know the first steps in hunting, making a hut for your 234234324 kids? i mean yes, you must be happy as shit since you escaped…but…now what ya know?
back to the next 3 days. you know who was in that movie? olivia wilde. which brings me to…
NOT HOT GIRL OF THE DAY.
SERIOSULY? WHY DO YOU GUYS THINKS SHES HOT? i dont see it at all. she aint pretty, am i the only guy to think that? girlbird agrees. she ain’t ugly, but if she was walkin dow nthe street i would NOT do a double take.
if she came to my door and asked for my hand in marriage, id prolly say yes for the money. then id divorce and id be rich bitch.
this past saturday, i had 2 weddings to go to, which involved a lot and i mean a lot of drinking. i wish they were on separate days cause i was having a good time at both, especially with my date. the night involved beers, shots, steaks, fried rice, slow dancing (havent since ’01 prom!! goodlooks girlbird), shots, cigarettes, puking, betting, clubbing, late night eating, crazy dancing, dougieing, funny pictures, shots, confusion, traffic, and finding puke in unreasonable areas
now weddings are great and i love em, but you see a lot of do’s and don’ts after you go to a few. heres one thing me and girlbird agreed upon: we hate the timing of most best man and maid of honor speeches. most of the time its during dinner, so you just hear clanging of the plates and such. makes me feel bad cause no ones paying attention. i say either schedule it later or give everybody plastic silverware (CLASSY LIKE BLASSY!)
and to the people giving the speeches, owen wilson in wedding crashers said it best: speak from the heart. make it a little personal and unique so it doens’t look like you stole it off the intternet, but keep it simple. of course its the best man’s job to tell funny stories about the groom but if you can’t deliver, don’t try to sell the material. thats why a lot of my “funny” stories fail big time in person, cause i cant deliver worth shit. half of my stories end up like this
“and this happend and this happened but……aw fuck it. wally you tell it you tell it better”
“and this happend but OH MAN this…you know what i can’t tell this. forget about it.”
delivery is KEY. i’ve heard too many failed toasts and speeches cause they couldn’t tell the story right. or cause they were pretty fucked up (also rule: limit the shots during cocktail hour) if thats the case, just speak from the heart, and something funny will come out natural. unlike the best man speech i heard this saturday (not you dang i didn’t get to hear yours. dang is the name of my friend who gave the speech, i dont mean dang like damn).
the best man speech started off by grabbing the mic, and screamin into it “ARE YALL HAVIN FUN OUT THERE?!?!” few people cheered. dude forgot that the audience was 40% fobs and older parents who had no idea what he was sayin. but maybe he thought people didn’t hear him even tho he was screaming into the mic cause he followed that by screaming even louder “I SAID ARE YALL HAVIN FUN OUT THERE?!?!”
#1 this ain’t no rap concert
#2 we heard you the first time
#3 you’re not at a professional wrestling event
we were having a nice dinner. steak, fish, mashed potatoes, it was pretty good. but all of that goes to shits when the best man tells a story involve him, the groom, and puking. come on man, we’re in the middle of dinner. not classy.
but i will say one thing: awkward toasts are fun to talk about.
so heres what i did saturday. it was a hectic day. quick recap if you wanna know
-picked up wally
-went to thangs wedding
-ate at yechon
-stopped by home. left wally with tommy
-picked up girlbird
-went to hana noonas wedding
-ate, took shots, drank a crap load more than i should have
-went to thangs wedding
-took 234234324234 shots
-went to dc (k street)
-went back to the restaurant to pick up my car
-stuck in parkinglotish traffic for an hour with dahari
-dropped dahari off at bobbys
-went to honeypig with girlbird
-dropped girlbird off
-slept on the floor.
thas it for today
k i love you bye
football, tennis, soccer, baseball, volleyball. and definitely basketball. those are things that i should not be allowed to do.
friday night, stuck in orlando, just me and lucille. it was a nice night, so i went longboarding. saw a basketball, hoop, no one around, sure why the fuck not? did you guys feel a nice breeze in nova? yeah, those were from my airbaills. did you hear thunder? yeah that was me hitting the backboard. and then something weird happened. a bunch of old white guys appeared on the court.
max: hey buddy my friends and i are short for a pick up game. wanna join?
max: come on you’re young.
oh man those guys sucked ass. but the worst part? i was the worst. like oh man if a cop rolled by, i think he woulda shot me for being so bad. like im pretty sure those guys were getting frustrated with me, but didn’t show it. gahd that was embarassing. so that was that.
so time to go home. there were a lot of fuckin kids in airport, obviously cause they were comin from/goin to disney world/universal studios. 99% of the parents looked like they just came back from a concentration camp. i’ve never seen so many stressed out parents in my life LOL. so heres a rule: don’t take kids to disney world until theyre 13, the age where theyre too old to go to disney world and they hate hanging around parents.
on my flight back home, i sat next to a kid and his dad. the dad had to take his other kid to the bathroom. this guy looked like he was about to cry from stress. he put his other kid next to me. he looked like he was 3 or 4. the kid looks at me. awkward eye contact. cute kid, and NOT shy at all.
marsh: my name is marsh, whats your name
me: larry whats yours
marsh: no your name is marsh.
me: uh, NO. your name is marsh.
marsh: no no no! you’re name is marsh.
me: WTH no its not my name is larry
marsh: NO YOUR MARSH
marsh stands up on the seat, point at me.
me: hey marsh i think you should sit down
marsh: you’re marsh! (steps closer)
me: no YOU ARE MARSH. you should sit down.
marsh: YOU”RE MARSH (about to touch my glasses)
me: you’re marshed mallows! HAHAHA
marsh: YOU ARE MARSH
me: hey do you like your potatoes fried or marshed
BAM. the kid punches me in the face. like wtf was that.
me: hey come on marsh cut it out man
did i just get bullied by a 2/3 year old? -5 in street creds for me. dad comes back
dad: MARSH SIT DOWN.
i snicker. LOL he got in trouble.
dad: i’m sorry did he do the “you’re marsh” act?
me: uhh. yeah…
dad: yeah i dont know why he does that.
marsh, you just made an enemy with the wrong guy.
hot girl of the d ay
less than three,