i’m walkin, runnin my hand along the wall. i dont know why i was doing it, but i jus do that. mindin my own business until i hear..
“hey dude its wet.”
i turn around, confused as hell. he’s pointing at the wall. i look at my hand
today was another day off for me. i spent most of the day chillin with lucille. i was basically on top of her all afternoon. lucille is my longboard. anyways, i goin pretty fast at one point, but jumped off as i approached the intersection. usually when i do this, as i jump off i turn it towards the grass. and thats what i did, but i guess i was going too fast, cause my board went rolling into the road.
first thought: FUCK!!!!!!!!
second thought: GET IT
oh by the way, this wasn’t just a road. this was 4 lane road, and there was oncoming traffic everywhere. was i thinking? of course not. probably one of the dumbest things ive ever done, and yep. you guessed it. i went after it. cars screeched honked, got a couple “what the fuck!!!”s, and had a few near death experiences in a matter of 5 seconds. and the only thing that was goin through my mind? omg please dont run over my board omg oomgomgomg.
k thats my near death experience story for the year.
luckily, i grabbed my board, came out unscathed.
Hot girl of the day
less than three,
so here i am. bags packed, headphones blarin, ready to fly away.
i’m checkin in my bags, and its my turn to go up. i talk to the guy and im in the process of gettin my plane ticket. theres an elderly lady at the station next to me checking in her bags as well. from her dialect, i could tell she was taiwanese or somethin. but airline lady had no idea what the fuck she was talking about, cause she couldn’t speak a lick of english.
airline lady: i’m sorry but the bag is two heavy!
taiwanese lady: dsifosdijfosdifjosdifjosdf!!!!! (no idea what the hell she was saying)
airline lady: excuse me i dont understand what you are saying!
if it was a korean lady, i would of course try to help out but, shit im on the same level. so i just mind my own business and keep to my shit. but i accidentally made eye contact with the employee. and she looked like she had an idea.
me (thinking): FUCK. shouldn’t have looked. please don’t ask me what i think youre about to ask me
airline lady: is this your mom?
i was about to get mad, but then this came into my mind.
chis tucker, rush hour 2: ALL YALL LOOK LIKE
airline lady: do you understand what shes saying?
so i turn back to doing my own baggage stuff until i feel someone grab my arm. i turn and look. oh fuck.
elderly asian lady: dsofusdifuhsdifusdf
elderly asian lady: oifosifwoeifweofuhwefiu
me (shrugging): i. dont. speak–
elderly asian lady: soidufsidufhiushdff
and she has the audacity to give ME the WHATTHEFUCK look. like im sorry i dont know every fuckin asian language in the world. but does it stop there? no.
another employee approaches us.
airline lady 1: her bag is too heavy and she doesnt speak english
airline lady 2: okay. mam? excuse me mam?
elderly asian lady: soidufisdufhsdih
airline lady 2 looks at me. WTF. NOT AGAIN.
airline lady 2: did she come with you?
i felt like i was getting pranked with cameras everywhere.
less than three,
i wake up to julia screaming “wake the fuck up larry! wake the fuck up larry! wake the fuck up larry!” is she really in my room yelling at me to get up? no, but it is the sound of my alarm. i had her recorded which is now something i regret cause every day through mon-fri, i wake up wanting to punch julia in the throat. but hey it works, so i dont change it.
so i quickly brush my teeth, put on my clothes and run out the door. its monday, which means im late. i get in my car, and i speed onto 66 west, which is the opposite of rush hour traffic. this gives me the ability to speed lam.
so as soon as i get on it, i notice a little friend on the outside of my windshield. its a spider!
now, if it was on the inside of my car, i would totally try to kill it. that has happen to me numerous times, almost getting into multiple accidents. but this guy was on the outside. i could…
A) windshield wiper
B) see if i can drive fast enough where he would fly off
choosing A might leave spider guts all over my windshield. so i chose b, since i’m late anyways.
im already goin 65mph, but this spider aint budgin. then i push it to 70mph. still not movin. 80 mph, but the spider, which i now call peter (after peter parker) is like glued to my windshield.
now i can just go ahead and quit, or further experiment on how much wind exposure this spider can take. and of course i decided to go FASTER.
so i went 85, 90 mph, but NOPE. THIS FUCKER STILL AINT BUDGIN! COME ON PETER GET OFF ME. how gay does that sound.
do i dare go to the 3 digit speed? in the past 3 years on my way to work i’ve hit 100 about….3 times? so why not make it an even four?
so bam, i’m hittin 95 to shake peter off my car. but all that came to an end when i saw a cop.
me: omg omg omgo mogmogmomgomgomgomgomgomgomogmomg
but nope, didn’t get pulled over. checked my rear view mirror about 100 times to see if he left his post, but nope. mustve skipped me. phew. so i let peter just chill and enjoy the ride.
that is, until i got off 66 and was stopped at a light. i saw that fucker crawl off my windshield and now i dont know where he is and im scared he might be in my car making a huge spider web that i might walk into.
lam = like a motherfucker
and that was my morning. how was yours
HOT GIRL OF THE DAY – emma roberts
is it okay for me to think shes hot yet?
less than three,
if the day ever comes and i have kids, i would want their names to have meaning. here is what i’m namin them.
lets say i have one kid, and name him “superman.” but then i accidentally get another kid, and oh no! what am i gonna do? i would legally change the superman’s name to “kid” and name the second one “play”.
lets say i accidentally get another one! i would again legally change all three names (is that even possible?) to go along with the theme. so here are the names i’m goin for.
one boy: the rock. aka the great ONE. you cannot, absolutely cannot fuck with that. even if he’s nerdy and socially awkward, can’t fuck with a kid who has “the” in his name.
single girl child: she-ra. just cause its a funny name for a girl. looks like she wont be goin to any school dances.
debating: between kid n play (pictured above) or peter and superfudge
one boy one girl: arthur and d.w (dorothy winifred).
lets face it, thas like how my sister and i relate.
three boys: debating rocky, colt, tum tum
hollywood, scott, kevin – collectively known as the nwo: new world order
two boys, one girl: harry ron hermoine
four boys: debating
john, shakes, tommy, michael
all the cool ones end in an “o”
i would legally change my name to the shredder.
if i have four girls (PLEASSE NO): carrie, samantha, charlotte, and miranda.
but if i see a hint of sluttiness in them, they will grow up fatherless.
tommy steve brian wally jason
kangta, tony, hee jun, jaewon, woo hyuk
if i have nine boys: gimli,sam, mr frodo, pippin, merry, legolas, gandalf, borimir, aragorn
and lets say for crazy reason i become a billionaire and i want to adopt 30 kids, i’m namin them…
allison, bebe, benjamin, calvin, dameon, dana, deedee, dj, eric-bacon, eric-fry, eric-ovens, jason, jenny, joe, john, joy, kathy, leslie, mac, maurecia, myron, paul, ron, rondi, sammy, sharie, stephen, sue, terrence, todd.
all 30 students of Sideways Stories From Wayside School
and thats it.
less than three,
last monday i ran into my cousin while longboarding.
cousin: okay see you saturday!
me: k bye—wait. whats goin on saturday
cousin: um…big family dinner…you are goin…arent you?
me: uh….my mom hasn’t said anything but yeah i guess so.
cousin: yeah its saturday night.
of course my mom doesn’t tell me. she actually pulls a lot of bobbys on me. for instance..months ago..
sister: so are you gonna go?
me: go where
sister: mother asked if we want to go to cancun for thanksgiving…
that was MONTHS ago. my mom has YET to ask me lol. definitely pullin a bobby. and of course, saturday around 6 my mom calls me.
mom: we’re having dinner at 7
me: yeah, cousin told me ON FREAKIN MONDAY. you coulda gave me a freakin eariler notice than an HOUR.
mom: oh yeah okay. anyways we’re going to Trelisuh. you know where that is?
me: no…never heard of it.
mom: its in annandale, off of little river turnpike. a korean restaurant. do you know where it is?
me: no is it new??
mom: i guess so i’ve never heard it before either.
trelisuh, hm. thats weird. a korean restaurant in annandale that i dont know of? pretty confident with my way around annandale, and i’m pretty sure i know every freakin korean restaurant in nova. unless, a new owner took over and changed its name. i asked my friends and they haven’t heard of it either.
so i’m drivin in annandale, lookin for it. can’t find it on google, goin back and forth. and im jus wonderin where the fuck this place is. so i called my pop.
me: where is this place
pop: they said its a pretty big place next to a place called ara? do you know where that is?
me: i think so (bold face lie. cause that is the place i go every friday.) but i’ve never seen–
then i saw it.
me: wait. do you mean palace?!?!?
palace, the big korean restuarant next to ara. i envisioned my relatives who don’t speak a lick of english trying to pronounce “palace”, then nodded. yep its definitely this place.
pop: uh…i dont think so…
YEP. cause i see my cousins car.
me: its not called trelisuh, dinner’s at palace. i see cousin’s car.
so here is what happened. my other cousin was arranging the dinner, who told my other fob cousin, and both of them are fobs with thick accents. then my cousin, told my aunt, who doesn’t speak a lick of english, who relayed the message to my mom, who told me. essentially they played “fob telephone.” remember when you sat in a circle when you were little? and you had to whisper in the persons ear, with the last person saying outloud what the message was watered down to?
yeah, its kinda like that, but it was real life.
HOT GIRL OF THE DAY: nina dobrev – vampire diaries
look a like of sloan from entourage, but she looks stunning in that dress dont she? sloan is still hotter tho.
less than three,
jason complimented on my entry on what makes america great. now , this is my entry on what makes korea awesome.
why korea is awesome
galbi. best thing to order in korean restaurant.
top b boys in the world.
doosabooilchae – hilarious korean movie, about a gangster who has to go back to high school.
only costs $2
soju. koreans cheapest liqour.
sung hee lee – first ever korean girl to be a playboy centerfold
this guy won the marathon in the summer olymics in the 90s.
now, things that make korea suck.
soju. youll regret it in the morning.
and of course…
less than three,
first of all, happy birthday to my bro Thomas Yosemite Kim. my roomate, my brother, my garbage disposal.
so to celebrate his birthday, the yg boys decided go spam. what is spam? spam is the best meat in the world. but how do you…go to spam? answer here.
ever since people started to use the phrase h.a.m (hard as a motherfucker) we wondered what if…you went..beyond ham? julia, i’ll explain. i know you think this is stupid. but goin ham means like goin balls to the walls, all out crazy. we’re not talkin about $5 footlongs, we’re talkin about a mental state of being.
here are the levels of craziness associated with deli meat.
kirkland m.e.a.t.s – Maybe…Eh….Ah…Two Shots- maybe a couple drinks, just to fit in. you got a busy day or you dont feel good so you’ll just stick to very light drinking.
hillshire f.a.r.m – Forgetting And Remembering Moments. – took a lot of drinks, your memory is a little hazy
boar’s h.e.a.d – premium meats for sandwiches. their roast beef is splendid. put a little horseradish in your sandwich along with some fresh veggies and a bag of chips, you got yourself a healthy and delicious meal. as you can tell, can’t think of a acronym.
H.A.M – hard as a motherfucker – shot shot shot shots shots until you cant feel your face.
S.P.A.M – SUPER PHUCKED AS A MOTHERFUCKER. super blacked out can’t feel your body your eyes are goin different directions mental state.
does it make sense? no, not really. but it does when you’re with us.
so thas what we did. went to get some pizza after, and the line was fuckin long as shit!
wally peered over to the front.
wally: fuck it.
he just confidently walks up to the front and orders two large pizzas. walks out. and thas how wally does it.
so we had a lot more than needed.
jason: man i feel bad ima give some to the homeless people
so jason takes the box to give some slices.
and yeah he gives some away. its a nice gesture right?
i dont know what jason’s definition of homeless is but…
to the general public – homeless = a person who lacks a job and permanent housing. people who live on streets.
jasons definition – homeless = nicely dressed white folk who just left a bar, waiting in line for pizza, the same people wally just cut in front of.
i wonder if he gets confused on why society likes to give” homeless” people money.
LOL. ghetto ass ipod.
HOT GIRL OF THE DAY – jennifer lawrence
less than three,
a couple weekends ago was my 10 year high school reunion. thats fuckin gross as shit right? so i was debating…should i go? or should i not?
why i should go
-i wanted to catch up with some people
-i know a lot of them aged like hell so i wanted to feel good about myself
-i wanna see if the hot girls back then were still hot
why i shouldn’t go
-i dont remember anybody from high school. excessive drinking has shot my memory.
-that open bar is $70
-most of the people i keep in touch with i contact through facebook
-my close friends in high school arent going but shit i see them regularly
and so i was going to stop by say hi and do a little catch up and whatnot, but the hurricane rained on my parade. anyways lets talk briefly about my high school.
i went to langley high school. the richest public high school in fairfax county. the only school where the kids drove nicer cars than the teachers. im pretty sure the demographics have changed since then, but when i went (97-01) the racial demographics went like this.
2% korean (almost all diplomat fobs, who eventually lost their identity because at one point they thought they were from harlem or south central LA. FUBU jerseys and timbs)
every once in a couple years there would be one black kid, but he acted like he was also from the ghetto. last time i checked, theres no ghettos in the greatfalls/mclean area. even i, larry, am more ghetto than you (springfield childhood whattp).
but no joke, our whole athletic program was contained with 100% white kids. maybe thats why our schools football record was 1-32432423423. if you took a look at our yearbook, it looks like it was dated prior to the civil rights movement. our football team looked like the team the year before coach boone took over for the titans (remember the titans). was it a school from the 1950? nope. this shit was 2001. i think one black kid was on the team throughout the four years, and he was the great art monk’s son. he was fat slow and i think even i was better than him. i really think he only got on the team cause he was black/a hall of fame receiver’s son.
however, we did excel in golf and our debate team was undeniably far superior than every other school.
so today i looked at the pics from the reunion.
-yes, they aged like hell. i cant believe i thought a lot of these girls were hot. guys looked like they’re senators or somethin.
-oh man they had a dance floor, i couldve busted out my moves and taught em white folks how to dougie. i might not be successful like them, but at least i still got my rhythm.
-yep, i was right. i dont remember anybody from high school.
-who the fuck photoshopped a black guy in this picture
less than three
so this past weekend we went to the beach. theres a lot of inside jokes here and there, but over all good trip. highlight?
bobby and jason vs. john hur tommy, beer pong. 10 cup beer pong. it did not look good for hutch and tommy, cause next thing i know, its 7 cups to 2. and i gotta say, other than the shit talking between the teams, its boring as shit to watch. but that was going totchange.
hutch hasn’t made shit. slowly but surely, bobby and jason started gettin cocky. alpha male personalities has got to them. what happened next?
2 cups to 2 cups. tommy and hutch caught up. but were bobby and jason gonna lose? hell no. they were so sure, that jason uttered the words that would’ve changed beach trips forever.
“loser takes western photo on boardwalk.”
THAT SHIT CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. next thing you know, its 1 on 1. and when the moment came, who made the last shot? hutch. jason keeled over in embarassment and bobby almost jumped out the window. the two alpha males in the house have lost with a 7-2 lead. so the following night, we go to the boardwalk, and here is what was produced.
life don get no better than this.
i woke up at 12:30, and did absolutely nothing all day. what was i doing? somehow, labor day has turned into syndicated tv show marathon day. the weird thing was, these were pretty much some of my favorite shows.
TBS – the office marathon
FX – how i met your mother marathon
NICK – friends marathon
the only thing they needed was fresh prince and i woulda been straight. i think all that tv watchin got me bread dead. i’m pretty sure i burned a total of 1 calorie throughout the day.
BUT im relaxed as shit. im ready to almost start the week.
less than three,