John: u r correct. u have run out of stuff to blog about
worst. entry. ever.
me: how bout i put some emo shit about love and other depressing shit or just lyrics of a song
oh wait thats right
thats boring as fuck
you do that.
John: expect penises at the beach
had no come back, so he threatened to gay at me at the beach. we have issues.
hurricane weekend means not going out. not going out = i run around like a chicken with its head cut off. but a las, its not like it would be a first to stay in. so what did i do? i figured “shit, i might as well just get drunk at home.”
so i went to the grocery store. people were running around in a panic, cause this bitch IRENE was supposed to be “one of the biggest hurricanes” east coast ever felt. and with the earthquake occurring a few days ago, people were not taking chances. you west coast folks or southern folks really must think we’re pussys(ies?) about the quakes and hurricanes, but its not a normal occurence. and i think we rather be pussys(ies?) than have our houses all fucked up.
i grabbed what was most important in times like these: alcohol. so i went and bought bottles of wine, which made me look kinda crazy compared to everybody else. oh and a bottle of vodka. i refused to be bored saturday night.
so some people came over, and we went to it. the chung family came, and surprsie! also brought a kid named gordon. gordon is in college, goes to my church, half korean half cleezy, and i’ve known him for a while. hes like another kid brother.
we to drink this, drink to that, and shit was fun. not too crazy, not too crazy. just chillin with good company right? and then…
i wake up in my bed.
me (thinking): SHIT. what the fuck happened? how did i get here? wait did i drink that much? wait wait. okay okay. its all comin back to me. oh okay i just passed out laying down. i remember everything. thank goodness.
does that happen to anybody else or just me?
i get out of bed, fuck. its 8 am. i gotta learn how to sleep in.
and i tripped and stumble forward. what the fuck? did i just trip over a body?
half of gordon is in my closet, half of him is hanging out of my closet.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i thought.
ew this kid is sweaty as fuck.
FUCK he’s on top of my polos. fuck, i hate when people sweaty people touch my shit.
wait a minute.
why is sleeve purple? fuck, this kid mustve threw up (wine) in my bathroom and then slept in my closet.
I FUCKING WISH THAT WAS IT.
cause that motherfucker decided to throw up, in out of all the places in my apartment, in my closet.
my closet, where my clothes are kept.
my closet, where my nice, church clothes are kept.
it wasn’t everywhere though. just on some of my favorite polos and some new shirts that i havent even worn yet.
so i kicked him awake
he sat up quickly, confused as hell.
me: GORDON WHAT THE FUCK MAN
me: YOU THREW UP IN MY CLOSET
gordon: oh man did i?! sorry.
i would be normally furious, but i couldn’t. he looked like a hungover 5 year old who just got caught stealing liqour from the cabinet. plus it was my friends and i that got him to drink.
tried to get this kid to go to church, but the kid looked hungover as hell, so i dropped him off at his dorm. there was a girl in the parking lot.
me: that girl looks cute
gordon got out of my car.
me: HEY! THAT KID THREW UP IN MY CLOSET!!
i think the moral of our stories here are: no more getting younger siblings drunk.
oh and before you JUDGE me and think i’m a horrible person, always remember: go fuck yourself.
shout out of the day: sk
less than three,
wally stays at our place every weekend, all weekend. usually brings his laptop and he spends most of the time playing games, smoking, watching movies, watching korean dramas.
steve came over, and they were watching dinner for shmucks on hbo.
me: what the fuck guys? this is one the dumbest movies ever.
wally: theres nothing on though.
me: trust me. youre wasting your time. watched about 20 minutes of it and couldn’t take it anymore. change the channel.
steve: okay. ill change it.
so we watched “ghost of girlfriends past” instead.
hey come on, its hurricane weekend what else would we do?
we saw matty mcgoucohgouhgouhy do his shit with jennifer garner. which brings me up to a side note.
what was ever so great about that guy? how to lose a guy in 10 days was good, but not that great when i watch it over again.
jennifer garner, is not hot. i think she’s alright. i would say she’s pretty but not leading role pretty. anyways
blahblahblah happily ever after.
tommy: uhh i got an email saying we’re in trouble by cox (our internet provider) for downloading movies.
me: im not downloading anything at the moment. are you?
me: then…what the fuck?
i look, and i see wally smiling and clicking away at his laptop
me: fuck it must be wally. ill ask him.
me: wally are you downloading anything at the moment?
wally: dinner for shmucks.
me: WTF. we got a warning from cox.
wally: oh shit. but its almost done!
me: out of all the movies you could be downloading, why are you downloading that piece of shit movie? not only that, you couldve watched it on HBO. NOT ONLY THAT, you couldve watched it on HBO demand for free! WHY WALLY WHY?
wally: oh man sorry.
30 seconds later
wally: you know its actually steves fault.
i looked at steve.
steve: what the fuck wally? how is it anyway my fault?
wally: you turned to it on the tv, and then changed the channel. the part i saw got me interested so i had to see the rest.
steve: what the f–
wally: ergo, i had to download it.
steve and i looked at each other with a question mark over our heads, and then looked at him.
me and steve: what. the. fuck.
and then wally went back to his laptop, lookin like he just made the most valid point in the history of all valid points.
and thats reasoning, by wally.
happy bday jimmy
less than three,
this is my kit to ensure almost every precaution thrown at you in case of a hurricane. whether its hunger, boredom or safety, my kit will probably cover almost all of it. ill be selling these for a $12980.
-a fake first aid kit – so that when they open it up, those worms spring out and scare you. everybody would laugh. cept for the guy thats hurt. ALSO if someone tries to steal it, then jokes on you. its a fake kit.
-deck of water proof cards – 13, go fish, gin, poker, blackjack, indian head poker, etc
-dice (2) – you never know
-8 MRE’s – meals ready to eat
-digital camera – you must take pictures of all the fun stuff that happens
-a self chargeable flashlight (the one where you rotate the handle)
-an inflatable – so you can float in water.
-kit kats – they taste good
-one giant poking stick
-a sharpie – ideally for pranks, and to write on stuff. and fake mustaches
-index cards – can turn out to be fun games
-a guitar – sing a longs, you might even accidentally create a grammy award winning song
-a gun with 3 bullets. worse comes to worse, you might wanna off some people you’re stuck with.
-a bullet proof vest so that if someone shoots you, you can act like your dead and then when they’re sleeping you can attack them and be like WHATS UP BITCH
-2 bottles of kettle one
-a case of beer
-20 bottles of wine
which leads to
-condoms – alcohol can lead to some decisions so you never know
-a carton of cigarettes
-a hatchet – if theres one thing i learned in 4th grade, you can survive with a hatchet.
-playboy mag – for the articles
-harry potter 1- 7 – you gotta read
-a picture of me – in case you forget what i look like
-a lighter – do not dare burn my picture you fucker
-ninja stars – cause they are so cool
-make up – just so guys have something nicer to look at. or you can just skip to the drinking.
-a volleyball. made from Wilson. named wilson.
-oh and a real first aid kit.
and thats it.
you should be physically and mentally stable with that.
buy one today, save a life tomorrow.
good luck to yall out there.
bring it irene. i’m ready.
less than three,
larry the jeweler
we all heard the stories and what not. everybody freakin out cause WHAT THE FUCK? AN EARTHQUAKE IN NOVA?
earthquake yesterday, hurricane irene this weekend. if you haven’t been goin to church, better start now. i better go sober this time.
so what happened to me during the earthquake?
chillin at my desk, doing some work. i feel a slight shake. million things went through my head
omg. my desk wasn’t put together correctly and its finally coming apart…wait. wait a minute. the floor is shaking.
oh fuck is the building going to collapse?
okay i guess only two things went through my head. then i hear beardy zip pass my door.
beardy: GET OUT GET OUT
so i quickly got up and headed towards the door along with everybody else in the building.
but wait, my pockets were empty! oh no my cigarettes are in my desk drawer!
so i stood there debating as people were quickly leavin the building. i said fuck it, ima prolly be outside for a while so ran back into my office, grabbed my jacks, and ran out.
so im outside and everybody is all “holy shit was that an earthquake??” people are askin if everybody is okay and what not
and im thinkin thank gahd…my matches are in my pocket.
but oh man i left my keys and phone are inside.
my priorities are all fucked up.
on facebook, i saw people post pictures of shit actually damaged. i was surprised cause it seemed like most of nova was okay but i guess shit did get damaged. i wondered…what about my shit?!
#1 please, not the tv.
#2 please, not my laptop
and thats all.
i walked into my room, and my mouth dropped open.
oh my gahd.
the earthquake made my room a heaping mess.
then i realized
oh wait. this is what my room normally looks like.
and of course social media did its thing. cept for chris brown. so i yelled at him.
less than three,
the guys at 3242 have a little buddy that comes over every once in a while. he goes by the name of scuba steve.
we like to mess around with him a lot, and occasionally things might get a little out of hand.
we were drunk at 3-4am, and me and wally wanted to trick him into doing some stuff.
we played rock paper scissors, and biggest loser had to call a girl of the winners choice. AND winner chooses what the loser has to say.
our plan on getting scuba to lose didn’t really work, so i lost. scooba took my phone, and picked somebody and handed back my phone.
scooba: HAHA i chose robin. call her and tell her that you love her.
me: WTF. fine.
i took my phone secretly pressed “END CALL” with my thumb, and scooba had no idea. i acted like it went to voicemail. wally started laughing cause he knew exactly what i did.
me: she didn’t pick up.
scooba: then leave a voice message!
me: fuck. fine. “i love you bye”
me: FUCK I CANT BELIEVE I DID THAT
obviously, i didn’t really call her. wally laughed because scoobs believed everything. scoobs, on the other hand had no idea. so on the next series, he lost. again, and again, and again. we didn’t know anybody on his phone, other than some church people. so we picked a girl.
scooba: omg WHY HER
wally: just do it, larry had to. put it on speaker.
scooba: fine. what do i say
me: tell her that you want her to come over. and that you want to poop on her.
scooba: WTF. fine…………………….”hey…its scooba..can you com over? i want to poop on you”
and so he did. and he lost again, and again, and again. the only reason why he kept playing was cause i also kept “losing.” he didn’t put 2 and 2 together. tahs what happens when you smoke so much weed. this story isn’t really that funny cause it was one of those you had to be there. there were a lot of angry girls texting him the next day. that was funny.
so after a few laughs, we were in the living room. out of paranoia he wouldn’t go to sleep until wally and i went to sleep. so i got up and turned off the lights.
me: alright man, i’m goin to sleep. goodnight!
scooba wally: goodnight.
so i walked to my door, and closed it. but did i really go into my room? nope. wally knew what i was doing so he started talking loud to distract him. he laid down on the couch. little did he know, that i was standing right behind him.
wally: did you have fun tonight scoob
scooba: ah i du–
me: HI SCOOBA
scooba: what the–
and then i put my balls on his forehead.
scuba: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK OMG WHAT THE FUCK
wally and me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
if you think thats gross
one time johnhur passed out at the beach, tommy and wally got blacked out wasted, took his phone, put their balls on his neck, took pictures, and posted it on his facebook.
whats wrong with us
less than three,
today, im at my desk. listening to some music.
pulled out my headphones to talk on the phone.
an hour later, i have an itch in my ear.
i pick my ear.
WAHT THE FUCk. THERES SOMETHING IN THERE.
I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT.
OMG THERES A BUG IN MY EAR AND IM GOING TO DIE.
looked at my headphone. its broken, and only half of it is still attached.
oh. oops. the other half is stuck in my ear.
pulled the other half out of my ear. i laugh cause i look like a cyborg. human skin on the outside, robot pieces on the inside.
this happened yesterday.
georgetown basketball team went to china to do some goodwill work. unless you michael jordan, seems like blacks goin into asian territory is dangerous.
wow. they just straight up jumped them. i bet the gtown players were thinking i bet gtown playerss in the locker room are like “HOW BOUT WE TAKE THIS TO THE STREETS” or “YALL COME TO OUR HOOD” or some kind of street lingo.
if a game like that was played here, they usually try to break up the fight. a couple players here and there would get all thug but the rest of the team would keep their compusure, pushing their own players back.
asian kids? no. they just throw bitch fits. they throw chairs, they do flyin kicks, jumping punches, hadukens, sonic booms, whatever the fuck they want. doesnt even look cool. like if a bunch of thugs jumped a guy, my reaction would be “oh that shit is rough.” when its asian guys, it looks like a bunch of pale sticks poking at somebody. it looks more like their getting whipped, than beaten. just cause they had a couple people in their history that were crucial at martial arts, they think they the same. makes them believe they have the right to jump in the crowd, foot first.
LOL if the gtown players weren’t racist before, they are now.
that is all.
oh and my sister is visiting
oh and its mikes bday along with a few other boyos
oh and my youth group kids are leaving for college
less than three,
water cooler talk:
coworker: man, you shouldn’t have to work on your birthday
me: oh is it your birthday??
me: oh is it coming up??
coworker: no…its in january.
me: oh. okay..
WHY THE FUCK would you bring that UP if your birthday isn’t coming up? its like eating a sandwich during lunch and saying “ugh. i hate it when soup gets cold.” doesn’t make FUCKIN SENSE. and HE had the audacity to act like i was the weird one.
less than three,
i have an overweight coworker who sweats a lot. especially during the summer. for lunch, he usually walks to a deli or somewhere to eat. another nice guy, got nothin against him. but when he walks in from lunch, all i can do is stare at his chest.
the man doesn’t particularly have what you call man-boobs, but it has a very distinct look when he comes back. i guess his boobs get sweaty so you when you look at him, he has an unfortunate u-shaped sweat stain on his left and right nipple. like its pretty gross and i just can’t stop staring. sometimes he talks to me after lunch and all i can think to myself is
“don’t look at it. don’t look at it. don’t look at it. omg you just looked at it. i bet you he knows you just looked at it. pay attention to what he’s saying. don’t look at it anymore. don’t look at it anymore. omg you just didnt again. just go back to your desk and save both of yourselves from anymore embarassment.”
yesterday after work, i visited my parents house to eat dinner with my gramma. so she cookes me some stuff, we watch espn, how i met your mother, etc.
so after i’m done eating, she gives me a cup of something.
me: what is this
gramma: juice. drink it.
me: umm no i dont want it
gramma: i made some for your dad earlier just drink it
i thought to myself, we have a juice machine. i dont think my gramma knows how to use it. and i dont think she can even lift it.
me: no that aint juice.
gramma: just drink it!
me: okay okay.
took a sip. it was a very familiar taste. and it was not juice. it was makoli.
makoli = homemade korean alcohol.
wanted to puke on the spot.
me: GRAMMA THAS GROSS
gramma: AHAHAH you dont like?
less than three,
ladies love cool larry
this is an entry is specifically dedicated to calling out my good friend bobert. people are saying i should call you out, so i am. i dont really consider myself a sensitive guy, but i have to share this. you’re curious arent you?
so we all heard the story about like 8 years or so ago when i wanted to eat lunch.
i got off work and called out bobby.
me: bobby watcha doin?
bobby: umm me and john and d are pretty hungry so we’re gonna go eat. what bout you?
me: oh shit real? im hungry as shit i jus got off work
bobby: oh cool
me: uh huh im starvin dude where you guys eating
me: oh really?
bobby: yeah okay i’ll call you after we’re done
me: uh but—
me: this motherfucker.
i’ll never let that go. its not like i dont know john and d. we all hang out every weekend! back then it was like 5/7 days! its not like it was a special occasion or anything either! it was summer so i know they’re not planning a surprise birthday party for me or anything. so that goes that. i like to tell that story often. ill prolly tell my grandkids one day.
so bobby does that often. another situation, me or tommy will call him and the conversation will go like this.
me: hey waht you doin
bobby: meetin up jess and jenn in a bit at tysons. prolly gonna go eat and shop a little. u?
me: nothin just at home bored.
bobby: alright well i’ll call you when i’m headed home.
me: this motherfucker.
again, its not like im not friends with them. im pretty sure those two girls dont have anything against me. we’re not best friends, but i mean we do hang out occasionally! stuff like this happens
so lets fast forward to yesterday.
its sunday. me robin and wally are at place, just watching tv. me and robin were on the ground watching tv, wally was laying on the couch. not like we were walking back and forth being busy. a door opens.
its bobby. what a nice surprise i didn’t even know he was planning to come over.
me: sup buddy
robIn & wally: hey bobby
bobby: hey. came to get this.
he goes behind our couch, and grabs our beer pong table.
me: umm….what do you need that for?
bobby: haha (mutters) goin to sages.
me: oh yall drinkin today??
me: whos’ goin?
bobby: just me, d, sage, monica joan and em.
me: oh really??
bobby: okay thanks see you guys
And bobby leaves. three of us look at each other and we all have the same face.
me: this motherfucker.
robin: omg wow that was fucked up. he’s not even gonna invite you?!
me: what the fuck right?!
again, its not like i’m not friends with them. i’m pretty sure none of those guys have anything against me. would i have gone? probably. well depending on if robin wanted to go or not. and we all agreed it was just his tone of voice. like he didn’t want me there. as if i bully him in front of people or somethin. now, if he hadn’t seen me, i woulda been okay with that. i don’t have to be invited to everything, im not like that. and its not like i call to invite him to everything either. ALTHOUGH i do invite him to 99% of the times i hang out with girls. especially those girls! was it like a 1 on 1 thing that i was intruding? no. my own roomate was goin.
tommy comes in later
tommy: hey wanna go to sages? did bobby get the table?
me: why yes he did
tommy: did he tell you what we’re doin?
me: oh he did alright.
tommy: HAHA OMG HE DIDNT INVITE YOU DID HE?
me & robin & wally: NOPE.
i refused to go cause of bitterness.
i dont really consider myself a sensitive guy. but the worst part of all this is? if for some unknown reason i don’t invite him to one tiny event, something even as miniscual as getting gas at a gas station with somebody he’ll guilt trip the shit out of me. and say the infamous ”wow thanks for the invite. no no its okay i thought we were friends” line. but its gotten to a point where people were like “HAHA you should call him out on the blog.” thas how bad it is. tommy even told me that when he got there people even asked “hey wahts larry doin?” how did you respond bob? so this is me callin you out.
there are NO exxagerations to these stories.
2pac rapped it, and i’ll say it too
i aint mad atcha.
got nothin but love for ya.
JUST KIDDING YOU MISERABLE LITTLE TURD. IM BITTER AS FUCK AND IM NOT GONNA INVITE YOU TO ANYTHING. IMA EVEN THROW A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR YOU NEXT YEAR AND NOT INVITE YOU. IMA EVEN THROW BOBBY-THEMED PARTIES AND NOT INVITE YOU. IMA PICK UP ALL THE HOBBIES YOU DO LIKE DOING PUSH UPS AND MAKING GIRLS CRY AND IM NOT EVEN GONNA INVITE YOU FOR THAT TOO. AND WHILE IM AT IT, CUT YOUR DAMN HAIR YOU LOOK LIKE
lol that was good wasnt it?
less than three,
the great, lp.
i was coming back from shopping last week, and the fire alarm went off in the hotel i was staying at. so we got all kicked out. but in everybody’s hand was a cookie. otis spunkmeyeyre style. omg. wtf!
i turned around to see a tray of cookies on the front desk. OH MY gahd! i can’t believe i missed it! i see a guy turn around, walk up to the desk, grab a cookie, and walk out. if he can do it, i can do it. a crowd of people are storming out, and i put on my brave face. i want that fuckin cookie.
so i fought through the traffic, and i was about a foot away from the cookie until i hear management.
hotel employee: EXCUSE ME SIR! THIS IS NOT A DRILL PLEASE STEP OUTSIDE!
everybody looked at me. i looked at the employee and said fuck it. i grabbed a cookie and turned around.
damn, got caught AND called out. i put down my head in shame. but it was damn worth it.
actually it wasn’t. it was pretty embarassing.
a quick update on O stacy and zack drama.
yesterday, i saw O, zack, some guy and stacy get out of the car. i think they had lunch together or something. OR SOMETHING. they were all smiling, like they were all relaxed. jumpin to conclusion, i just thought “oh my gosh. they just had a gangbang.” man. i can never look at those three the same again.
less than three,
i was talking to somebody about an ol house party i threw at my parents house. this was a few years ago, and my parents were gone for the weekend. my sister wasn’t in the area, and my grumma was visiting korea. i threw my party, regular stuff happened, and i spent the afternoon cleaning. since i was home alone, i was cleaning in my boxers. if you been to my basement, theres a door that leads to the outside but you have to walk up the stairs to be on ground level. the stairwell is where everybody smokes.
anyways, theres always cigarette butts everywhere so i had to clean it up. i think “eh, its a stairwell. no one can see me so why put on shorts?” i walk out my basement door, start pickin up the cigarettes, until i hear a boom! i turn around, and my heart dropped. my basement door is closed. and this is a door that automatically locks from the inside. and sure enough, its locked. so is every other fuckin door into my house! i frantcially run around my yard trying to open every door available. i’m officially fucked.
panic mode: ON.
so there i am, in the middle of the stairwell. its a sunday, a nice day, and its 2pm. there are kids playing on the streets, people jogging up and down the street, people having bbqs. the only thing i have on me is my glasses, boxers, sandals, and a bag of cigarette butts. and i literally, had no idea what to fuckin do. my parents weren’t comin back for another couple days, and my sister was out of town.. panic mode: super on.
julia! julia lives about a 7 minute walk. but is it worth it?
-her parents are home.
-her dad scares the shit out of me, and i dont want to show up at the door in my underwear.
-there are always kids playing on the street, and there is no way i can get to her house without being seen by her neighbors.
so i said fuck it. here i go.
i ran up the stairwell, looked around. oddly enough, the coast was clear so i ran. oh i ran like hell. then i had a flashback of last night.
julia: my parents are having family over.
i ran my ass back to my thinking spot. so sat there for about an hour or two, totally lost track of time. actually it coulda easily been 30 minutes but i have no idea cause i was a mess. and i thought to myself “all hope is lost.” but then..
i remembered! my dads old 4unner still had a garage opener in it! i ran to the car, but fuck. the door is locked. but wait! i can shimmy my way in enough to press the button! and it worked!
so moral of the story:
always wear pants.
an awesome video that my boyee made, which pretty much sums up the church camp that my friends and i volunteer. its a good look.
my favorite part:
less than three,
i was with mr betes, the laziest man alive, at my convention. we were sitting in on a seminar until he whispers to me…
mr betes: you know stacy?
me: ….no…wait…is that zack’s wife?
mr betes: yup.
stacy and zack. an odd couple that works in our building. they smoke together, like a lot. stacy is alright lookin. nice body, but she kinda got a funny lookin face. but she is a really nice girl. anyways…
mr betes: she’s hot as shit right?
me: eh she’s arlight…
mr betes: you must be gay. shes fine.
me: wtf no shes not
mr betes: dude i’ve seen her naked
me: bull shit.
mr betes: you know O?
O is one of my coworkers. kinda scary lookin, started workin here this past april.
mr betes: stacy’s been sending naked pictures of herself to O
me: …wait what? isn’t she married to that zack guy?
mr betes: HAHA yep. she keeps sending them to him, and he shows me.
me: no way man
mr betes: proof.
the dude takes out his phone, and shows me. in the middle of a fuckin seminar. like theres people all around us. are you fucking stupid?!? oh and its her alright. and she is BUTT ASS NEKKID
me: WTF MAN! theres people here!
mr betes: and i THINK O is gonna hit it
now everytime i see her, i think “whore.” and everytime i see zack, i think poor zack, your wife’s a whore and you dont even know it. i hope theres a fight. that would be really fun to watch. like andy vs dwight shrute. how will this story unfold?
less than three,
this past saturday was bobbys birthday. i got shwasted. actually, i got double shwasted. i got drunk enough for pretty much half the group. i dont really remember much, but from the stories that were told, my night went like this.
i drank at the table.
steve said “i’ll drive home, just get really drunk then.”
drank with robin for about 30 times.
drank the double shot for the bet i lost with deb.
took more shots.
tommy came up to me and said “you look hurt. go throw up.”
threw up i nthe bathroom, took more shots.
hazy memory – i wanted to dance with a girl i just met, but my legs wouldn’t move. nor could i remember who the girl was, and what she looked like.
from what people said:
steve said he made me hold his hand on the the drive home. like the whole way. thats a little bit gay, but i dont remember so its okay.
i stumbled in home, walked onto the balcony, threw up?
brilliantly performed in a lead role to “bear attack”
i went to the bathroom to throw up,. but i couldn’t get up. i called out wallys name and he came in. had a funny moment with wally, ended up with him storming out of the bathroom yelling “EW NO IM NOT DOING THAT.” to hear what i asked him to do, ask me.
woke up sunday, with my face hurting. thought i slept really weird. picked up robin for church, still half drunk.
robin: whats wrong?
me: something kinda hurts on my jaw. and i dont know why.
during church, a memory just popped into my head, and i had a tiny “WTF” freak out.
me: i know why my jaw/face hurts.
BOBBY SLAPPED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. someone has it on video, but i dont remember who. why did he slap me? i made a slap bet with him that heat were gonna win finals. prior to this, i won a slap bet against him that allowed me to slap him 3 times in any random moment.
sigh. at least i got that over with and i dont have to live in fear anymore.
less than three,
i’m in philly and i went to the king of prussia mall. it is one the “biggest” malls in america (but really? i really think tysons is bigger or just as big especially if you combine 1 and 2 cause here they combine both too ANYWAYS)
i bought some stuff, but julia asked me “what did you get me?” to save some time, here is a list of reasons why i didn’t get my friends stuff at the mall.
julia – couldn’t find anything that was organic or made of hemp.
tommy – i would get you something, but you would probably eat it.
robin – couldn’t find any sizes in -1
wally – i woulda bought you somethin but i think i’ve already spent…hmmm….about…a gazillion trillion billion dollars on your ass
hutch – i woulda bought you somethin but you had puke in your hair. i know that has nothing to do with shopping, but i’m still making fun of you from the past weekend. cause you had puke in your hair.
hutch’s sister – i would buy you something, but you might puke in my parents sink again. same explanation above.
jason – i woulda bought you somethin but you would probably crush it, break it, and smoke it.
scooba – there is no weeds-r-us at the mall. wait! i can do better. i woulda bought you somethin but you’d probably sell it. for drugs. cause you smoke a lot of weed too.
mel – you probably wouldn’t remember what i bought you
tina – you would just make fun of whatever i bought you
johnkang – you would somehow manage to drink it
bobby – you wouldnt tell me if you liked it or not. you would just say “yeah ill let you know”
cleezy – you’d probably try to study it or work on whatever i got you to make your life more stressful as is.
last saturday after everybody left, me and steve were drinkin and chillin. while we were doin that, tommy was playin ping pong by himself on the folded table. like he was goin at it. all you hear is ping pong ping pong ping pong ping pong like he was fuckin forrest gump (i can make references like that now cause i saw it for the first time 2 months ago). and all of a sudden me and steve don’t hear anything anymore. we look over into the room and tommy is passed out on the floor. like he fainted from defeat or something. who does that?
this is why we dont take womens sports seriously.
have you ever walked towards a door that clearly says “pull open” and it just doesnt register in your head? and you shove the shit out of the door?
today i went to the mall and saw a big black girl wear really crazy ass shoes. i didn’t want to stare at them while walking towards her cause i know she would get all neck-whip-lashing-wtf-attitude on me so i waited til she walked past me. i turned around and looked at them. then i realized that the people behind me mustve thought i was checking out her ass so hard. oh man that is embarassing.
girls shorts are shorter than women’s underwear worn in the 50s.
oh man the other day i had a nightmare that i had to deal with drunk johnhur and drunk johnhur 2.0 (his sister) at my parents house. oh wait, thats right. that was FUCKIN REAL.
to start off, this is where i get both of you back.
this past saturday i had a little bit of a church people party at my parents house. now, if you’re thinkin that we jus sat in a circle with a guitar and a bible, you’re wrong. it was to a point that on friday, when i bumped into people in annandale, they said “we’re not gonna drink a lot tonight. cause we’re saving it for tomorrow.” three separate people said that to me. i shouldve known things were gonna get out of hand.
anyways, this ish started at 630. when you have people bringing over liqour instead of beer, you’re ready for a shit show. if you take shots to the brim and thas exactly what happens. so shots here, shots there. you know what? typing it out is making me sick.
hutch 2.o: isn’t it funny how i can drink more than my older brother? HAHA
she would eat her words painfully 10 minutes later. cause… 10 minutes later, hutch’s sister went missing. we were all standing like what the fuck? i went up stairs to get something, until i hear some noise in the kitchen. “oh there she is!” but she was standing over the sink. she was moving some dishes around. i thought “oh man what a nice girl! doing dishes! she MUST be drunk.” (we had a tiny bbq earlier)
one step closer, i start to think “if shes doing dishes, she doesn’t seem to be doing a very good job”
another step closer “hm, shes jus standing there.”
final step, i’m looking at her, looking at the sink. she had the look of shit on her face. and i saw why.
i looked down. “hm, the sink is clogged. hm, THE SINK IS CLOGGED WITH BITS OF FOOD. HM, I DONT FUCKIN REMEMBER EATING PUKE FOR DINNER WHY IS THERE FUCKIN PUKE IN THE FUCKIN SINK?!?!” not only that, hutch’s sister, theres a 50/50 chance of you puking in the half with a garbage disposal. this girl should never go to vegas, cause she puked in the one that didn’t. now this might sound pretty disgusting to you, but you gotta think about it like this. if you puke in a sink, and you’re fucked up, and you want to rinse the sink and drain out the puke, what do you do? turn the water on. and thas what she did. but hey i guess they don’t teach you in uva that if “a sink is clogged, and if the water is not drainking, TURN THE FUCKIN WATER OFF!” so imagine a big kitchen sink, half of it with puke. don’t read this part bobby, cause i had to unclog it with my hand. degrading as SHIT. i literally scooped it out. i looked at her and added this moment to the list of “times i really thought about body slamming a girl.”
so took care of that mess, wiped the puke off her arms and shirt, and made hutch took care of his sister. he was being the responsible older brother, and it was mad cute. after all that, we put her to bed. but i think thats when hutch thought “hey, my sister is passed out, i dont have to be responsible at ALL, so i’m going to get really fucked up, be annoying as shit, and make a total ass of myself.” cause about an hour later, i look at the basement floor and see a spot of puke. i look around and say “WHAT. THE. FUCK.” i found out later from an anonymous source that it was hutch. and i’ve shouldve known. why? i looked at hutch, and bobby don’t read this part, but the guy had puke IN his hair. he’ stumbling here and there, saying gahd knows what, and has no idea that there is a clump of his own puke on his head. like the kid didn’t use styling gel to look pretty. he used puke and probably thought “hey guys, i look really cute and NOT DISGUSTiNG AT ALL.”
and every time i’m on the floor changing the song, this motherfucker shoves me to the side. and of course next to me is a bag of chips somebody opened. and of course he shoves me into that and of COURSE the chips go everywhere. and of course he walks away like nothing happened. why should i be able to change a song at my own house? hutch, if you’re reading this, i was about to smash your phone to pieces. and so again, i had another mental note: added this moment to the list of “times i really thought about body slamming a girl.” i should really just carry around a beating stick.
that, was just a list of 2/100000 of the what-the-fuck? moments that happened that night. and yet, i still want to throw another one lol. i must be crazy. but before that happens, i would tape the mouth of hurs up of course. or i should jus go to their house and do the same thing. you ask, if that was some of 100000 what the fuck moments that night, why are you picking on them? well, first of all i thought of the entry title and thought it was very creative. second, most people apologize for the stupid shit. even though we all know “i blacked out last night” is not a valid excuse, we’ve been there and shit happens. BUT, this is hutch’s apology.
saw the hutchs the next morning, and i say
me: dude you were being annoying as fuck last night
hutch: fuck you i dont remember. i’m going home.
and LATER, FUCKIN TOO.