im actually glad that i’m in ohio. from all the horror stories, of people taking over 6 hours to get home…man. i am actually GLAD i’m in OH.
today, was the last day of the conference. during lunch, i ate with my coworker, mr betes. he flew in on monday, so the rest of the week, it was just me and fat man. and if you don’t know, he’s my fat lazy coworker that i hate. THE MOST. anyways, we’re eating lunch. and i went to get a napkin. but when i came back, my straw was gone. and he’s using it.
me: dude did you just take my straw
mr betes: (chuckles) haha yeh. better get another one
me: why didn’t you just get one?
mr betes: i thought you got two.
you lazy fuck. anyways, the conference ended today at 2. hooray! i love it when the days end early. so me and mr betes walked out.
me: gotta tie my shoe. go on without me.
and so he did. i caught up to him in about 30 seconds. *flashback. this motherfucker stole my straw. i looked at the snow. i looked at him. fuck this.
so i packed, the perfect snowball. it was a spherical beauty. on one hand, it was such a perfect snowball, that it was almost a waste to throw it at such a disgust human being. on the other hand, it was meant to be thrown. so i wound up, and chucked it.
(while the snowball is in the air) me: thats for stealing my straw!
mr betes: WHAT THE.
mr betes: WHAT THE FUCK LARRY
me: haha just a snowball man
mr betes: now i’m fucking covered in snow. DAMN IT larry.
me: dude just brush it off
mr betes: what the fuck was that for
me: just a joke man. sheesh.
the rest of the back was a silent one. he was not amused.
but i thought it was fucking hilarryous.
hi. as you can see from my entry title, this place is kinda doodling with my mind. making me crazy. i did however, take a solo tour of the city. i started off, with a “good piece of meat” (ru thinking what im thinking? YEAH thats what she said.) i ate a 12 oz bison steak. i dont even know what a bison looks like, but it tasted awesome.
after that enjoyable meal, i took a walk outside. to the mean streets of columbus OHIO, i go.
what an okay looking place. i walked about 10 minutes, and came to two quick conclusions. the street that i’m walking on, is gay and columbus is ghetto. but how can you come up with such harsh criticism so quickly? heres why.
2. theres a random white guy on every street. just standing there.
3. restaurants close at 7pm.
4. theres about 234423 bus stops. why? so people can get the fuck out of there as quickly as possible.
5. a bunch of hoodlums sitting on the steps. when its 8 degrees outside.
anyways, i was walking down the street, and i almost bumped into this guy. a black guy. no, i wasn’t scared, but he looked at me. and i looked at him. and my heart skipped a beat. could it be? then i started thinking about it. it couldnt be. could it? was it really…kid cudi? or…am i slowly turning into my parents and thinking that every black guy is an athlete or rapper? he IS from cleveland oh…but…im in columbus. he did get in a black caddy escalade. i wanted to ask somebody, but that would be so friggin stereotypical. so i just walked on. wondering…and wondering…does anybody know if cudi is on tour or something? was it him? or do i need unracist myself?
either way, heres to mr. cudi.
so i was pretty freakin sick the past few days, and spent my time as a hermit. i would sleep with 30 layers on, wake up sweaty, take everything off, wake up cold as shit, and put that on repeat. but finally, i got better. but don’t clap you hands yet, cause i gotta fuckin go to ohio. yes, i am in another city, for another convention.
i was sleeping, and turned the heat up to the max. and passed out. next thing i know, wally is in the hallway complaining about how he has a lighter but no cigarettes. so he lights up his zippo, and chucks it on my bed while im sleeping. of course, that is when i wake up screaming and dripping with sweat. i think the sandwich i ate gave me nightmares. never eating steak n cheese from there again. yeah, it was just a dream, but WHAT THE FUCK kind of dream was that?! i then realized it mustve been a secret message from wally. “turn the heat down, cause your sweaty as shit.” so thas what i did, and went back to sleep.
i woke up this morning, walked out to get some food, and then walked right back inside.
me: hey mr deskman, whats the weather outside right now?
mr deskman: 8.
me:……(waiting, leaning in to hear the “teen” or “ty”)
me: …..just 8?!
mr deskman: yes sir.
i put my hands on my cheeks, screamed “AHHHHHHHH”, looked at the security camera, screamed some more and ran back into my room. (paying homage to one of my favorite movies about a kid living alone.)
im in the car with my coworker, Jay, and he’s looking for a radio station. “dude its so fuckin hard to find a rock station.” scruffy, tall, he works in the warehouse. he came on the trip with me cause beardy had an emergency. its like if daryll went on a trip with michael scott. (office reference, if you don’t get it, you don’t get it.) so he’s lookin for a rock or hip hop station. and yeah, he found one. neither one of us know the song, but it sounds pretty good. not really hard rock though. something is definitely up with this song. he’s just bobbin his head. i decided to listen to the lyrics of the song.
5 seconds later, i realized…man such powerful, life changing lyrics. then i realized why. he turned to a christian station! AHAHAAH. i like christian songs, so im not hating, but i dont think he realizes it. next song…another upbeat song. the lyrics “blessed be the name of the Lord..” and im like oh man…did he turn to it on purpose? until….
jay: oh man..i….um think this is a christian station…totally didn’t mean to….oops.
and no, i didn’t really put my hands on my face and scream. just a joke, mike.
a month ago, jenny had to do a project, and make a power point presentation on ”icelandic volcanos”. she was working on it at our apartment, and asked johnhur for help. but man this guy wasn’t getting anywhere, and it was time for us to drink. what was he supposed to do? look for pictures online of icelandic volcanos. and so, i, being the great friend that i am, helped out jenny as well. here are the pictures i found for her.
i mean come on! iceland’s #1 fictional junior hockey forward gunner stahl + magmar, a fire pokemon that lives in volcanos + a pinacle point in terminator 2 portrayed by arnold = presentation gold!
safe to say, she never asked for my help ever again.
the period is inside the “
suck on that”.
here are my pics from la. and these are ALL my pics. and i must warn you before hand. these pictures, are not what you’d expect.
i went to the beach, and saw a pigeon in a sink. i hate pigeons, and i don’t really hate sinks, but if a pigeon was in a sink, i’d never use that sink ever again.
my tour guide took me to LANGER’S, which had the best pastrami sandwich i’ve ever had. this is the meat window.
my sister and sharon took me to road to seoul, a korean restaurant. what separates a good korean restaurant from a bad one? the banchan (aka side dishes) oh and what did i notice? L.A meat, tastes just like VA meat. AND! wait for it………
thats what she said!
and 10 feet away, i saw the most sacred grass. well, i only believed it to be sacred because i’ve never seen grass roped off like that. like its vip grass. this is grass, where celebrities stand on. eat that hollywood.
in other news, jenny, wally, and i met up to eat at chic fila, and the conversation went… like this.
jenny: yeah i went with my friend blahblahblah and bert.
wally: bert? oh we know bert.
jenny: you do?
wally: he’s ernie’s friend.
jenny: ernie? whos ernie?
wally: he’s berts best friend.
me: … ooooooohyeah we’ve known them since we were little.
jenny: wait? whos ernie? i’ve never heard of him.
me: he always wears the same striped color shirts.
me: kinda tanned and funny lookin..
wally: you don’t know ernie?
jenny: who the fuck is ernie?!
jenny, you just got bert and ernied.
LA was great. reuniting with the sister, playing with sharon the babarian, jus like ol times. i mean i was at a beach on a tuesday. can’t beat that right? the best part was, this whole work week, i only really worked 2 days. the best part for my sister and sharon? they didn’t have to treat me out, since i get reimbursed for my food. got myself an almost free vacation?
so my last night out in LA, i went out with my sister, her boyee, his friend, his friend’s girl, sharon, her friend, and her friends boy. basically the only friends i knew were sharon, my sister, and my sisters boyee. but it was fun, got drunk off soju. and i HATE soju, and especially hate getting drunk off it. stumbled into my hotel room, and passed out. at like 11:30. im still stuck in VA time mode. fun night. i paid for it dearly in the morning, waking up at 530 cause my flight was at 7. soju, i hate you.
so i’m at LAX, and im going through TSA security shit. theres like 5 billion people, with only 2 lines. after an hr of waiting, hungover, it was finally time to go through security. theres a 23 yr old lookin girl in front of me. she’s carrying a duffel bag, has boots on, a belt, a jacket, and beanie. she put her duffel bag on the tray, and that was it. this means trouble. i was about to say something, but i didn’t want look like a perv asking her to take off her clothes. i mean, everybody around us was clearly taking off their shit. shouldn’t you notice that dumbass?
so security stops her. she takes off the jacket, the beanie, belt, boots.
BEEP.jewelry. in her POCKET. wtf.
BEEP.something else goes off.
finally, she walks through.
security: um, do you have a laptop in your bag?
girl: uhh…yeah. why
security points to the sign.
the dumb bitch rolls her eyes.
security: also, do you have liquids in your bag?
girl: uhh yeah. my lotion, face cream, toothpaste
security: uhh yeah you’re gonna have to come with me.
LOL. as i was putting my shit back on, i see him pull out huge bottles of lotion and shit out of her bag. like its ridiculous. read the guidelines fool.
on friday, as soon as i got back, i went to a church lock-in to help out my youth group kiddies. the whole thing was eh, but after my little testimonial parent talk i went to NRB to meet up the boys and girls. funny moment? everybody was wondering where wally was.
tommy: i thought you brought him?
julia: umm YOU were supposed to.
tommy: definitely not me. last time i saw he’s passed out on the table.
tommy: shit, i’ll get him.
so me and tommy went. wally is STILL passed out alone at a table. i woke him up and he had the look of death. we went back to nrb, and i took some shots of soju. after that, went back to the church lock-in, to finish up the talks and stuff.
the youth group director, mr fuckface, approached me.
mr fuckface: oh larry, did you…drink?
larry: yeah had a beer (i lied)
mr fuckface: oh. oh no.
mr fuckface: oh…ooooh no.
mr fuckface: oh no i want you to go home
larry: fine, bye.
so i went home. what a short midget fag.
on saturday i went to k street. i rolled up with julia, planning to have a couple drinks. those couple drinks, turned into the most drunk i’ve ever been at k street. i woke up in my bed, and the first words that came out of my mouth were : what. the. fuck. cause i don’t remember a thing. i did find a trail of receipts. Yeah, that trail of white-opposite-cash turned out to be $200. MAJOR sadface. i remember my intoxicated thoughts being something like “these past two weeks ive been on trips for work, and had everything free. so its okay to spend whatever i want.” well FUCK you drunklarry. might as well bought a table and threw down for about half of it. sheesh. worst part is i don’t even remember if i had any fun or not! why did i drink so much??! i want to say i drank for tara’s birthday, but she wasn’t there, and why would i get drunk for tara’s birthday?
happy monday eh.
so sharon picked me up and i went to visit my sister’s place. its really nice, and yeah. sharon forgot to put in change in the parking meter, so i grabbed some coins and went down.
turned to the left, turned to the right, etc, and i am lost in my sisters hallway. saw the sign for the stairs, so i thought “only 3 flights, i’ll jus walk down.” so i got to the first floor, opened the door. BAM. its the garage.
um, what the fuck? whatever, i’ll just walk out of the garage and aroudn the block to the car.
walked to the corners, no exit. UH OH. walked along the whole fuckin gate of the garage. what the fuck. don’t tell me this garage is completely gated off, and the only way you can leave is by driving out. oh wait, i’ll just go back upstairs. duh! went back to the door.
what the hell! “enter code”. fuck. man, i dont know the code. time to call my sister. pulled out my cellphone. no, its not my cellphone. its my camera. FUCK.
so i am locked in the garage, running around looking for an exit. none can be found. gave up. i am going to die here. in a parking garage. finally around 10 minutes later, i saw a car turn in. i ran like the bullet that i am, out the garage. safe! never again, garage. never again.
last night i grabbed drinks with woogy at the library bar. there were books, and a bar. some bomb ass edamame tho. FIVE me.
so when i went out last week i realized something. so when you go out to a club or lounge in dc, theres always a bouncer in front. we all know that. this isn’t always 100% true, but i feel like its mostly true and funny to think about.
clubs or lounges with a lot of asian folks have white bouncers, or someone light skinned. they’re not scared of them, its just someone they don’t relate to too well.
clubs or lounges with a lot of white folks have black bouncers. truth: white folks are scared of the brothas.
clubs or lounges with a lot of black folks have…well. just cops. cause lets face it. em brothas fear the 5-0.
so i’m on my plane, on my way to the beautiful city of los angeles. i was flying southwest, which is a pretty shitty airline. you don’t have assigned seating, and my coworker and i were pretty much the last two to board the plane. there were very little options left. it was either…
A) sit in the middle of two fat guys. which should be basically illegal. they should never allow one fat guy to sit window, and the other sit aisle. its basically a storybook-worst-flight-ever seat. cause you know this guy is gonna throw a bitchfit and moan if you ever have to go to the bathroom.
B) sit aisle seat, next to a mother with a baby, and a 3 year old kid sitting window.
C) sit next to a lady with a dog
My coworker chose C, so I chose B. So I sat, and explained pleasantries with the mother of two. I think they were half asian, she was white. By the end of the flight, I was basically family. But lets explain what happened in between.
20 minutes into the flight, the baby was touching everything insight. started grabbing the hair of the lady in the front, poking at my arm. if he reached for my glasses, i was going to throw him off the plane. luckily he didn’t. but next thing you know he starts crying. he’s hungry. uh oh. so the mom starts breast feeding. made me feel a little uncomfortable. “oh grow up larry”. so i wanted to act like i didn’t notice, but i also didn’t want to act too hard where she knows i’m trying too hard not to look. so i jus sat very awkwardly for some reason, and i felt mad awkward. lol no mike, i didn’t take a peak. she started singing to him so he would fall asleep. it actually put me to sleep too lol. what a nice voice this lady had.
i woke up about 30 minutes later, and the 3 year old was sitting next to me. she started up a conversation, about her dad and her baby brother. her name was amy, the brothers name? robin. LOL what a coincidence. I know a toothpick named robin. amy and i made a connection though. the girl across from us bought a mcdonald’s salad. she put dressing on it, closed it, and shook it to spread the dressing around. the lid flew off and salad went everywhere. amy and i shared a good 5 minutes of laughter. i fell asleep again, and i woke up with amy passed out against my arm. it was a very heartwarming moment, and the mom looked at me and said “sorry.” i said its okay. i guess when i said okay, she took it as okay, i am now your bitch.
i fell asleep again, this time waking up to the mom shaking me. “can you go to the back and grab a stewardess? my baby needs some water.” got up, got some water, came back. an hour later, she asked for me to get a sweater off the compartment above us. did that. 15 minutes later, i had to get amy’s juice box. a little later after that, amy dropped her silly putty. of course i had to look for it. baby had to change, who babysits amy? uncle larry. we were watching how i met your mother together. good thing there was no sex scenes, or i wouldve been bitched at lol. anyways, i learned a very valuable lesson this flight. never fly with babies. cause she looked tired as FUCK. i didn’t mind at all helping her out, but this mom looked like she hasn’t slept in years.
and…that was my flight.
last week i was bored as shiet in baltimore. i decided to write a poem. yes, i am now, a poet. but i didn’t know what to write about. so i asked around what subject i should write about
which was actually surprising. i was expecting “michael jordan, football, lacrosse, bobby”
the poem of science
i think about the subject of science
those three gpa threats
the triple alliance
bio, physics and chem
Ugh i hate them
what i am interested in is the science of love
what kind of girls you ask?
lets circle all of the above.
cepy black girls, they’re scary.
The Jenny Poem
jenny jenny, she owes me no pennies
her last name is chang
she reached for hutch’s ding-a-lang
i hope we get stuck in an elevator
we would bang it out
she would call me the annihilator
shes crazy tangled like a yoyo
but thas cool cause shes my bro yo.
the julia poem
many say julia is cute
but when i try to talk to her
she makes me go mute
she asked to see me naked more than once
she said ain’t that a beaut
she has a lot of voice, but aint big at all
if you want someone to yell at you
give her a call
she is my go to bud
she always whispers to me
you’re such a stud
and those are my poems.
so i’m at my convention. this is boring, and people are here are boring. the female ratio here is pretty bad, and they’re all old ladies. a couple decent looking girls here and there, but eh. nothing to brag about. its not like i would approach girls anyways, but just a thought that if this was a club, this would be the ugliest club in the world. anyways my coworker and i are just sitting there.
suddenly the crowd just mystically stepped to the side, as if moses was parting the sea. cue the sexy electric guitar. and there she was. a crazy hot girl, low cut shirt, boobies galore. by far, the hottest girl here. i was very omged. and she was walking towards us!!!
girl: hey larry hey andy
coworker and me: uh…..hi……..(giggle)
girl: my name is amber. how are you guys
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh
coworker: nice to meet you amber. w’ere alright, we’re alright. how you doin
girl: eh, just a little tired.
coworker: haha yeah its almost closing time.
me: ummmmmm yahhhh
so i’m thinking, okay. theres something weird here. she really doesn’t look like she belongs here.
girl: i just snuck in here haha
coworker: why would you want to sneak in here?
me: uhh haha yah
girl: haha well heres my card. if you’re lookin for a good time later, i’ll get you in for free.
oooooooooooooooh. she’s a strippper. makes sense. anyways, its called “ritz cabaret”. i hate strip clubs. and its the truth. i like naked girls, and i like clubs, but i hate strip clubs. never going to one ever agane, especially after that vegas moment. if you want the link to that entry, ask me. its on my old blog.
my coworker and i went to eat. theres a girl in the booth next to mine. she’s jinjja cute. we make eye contact and she smiles. i smile back. she looks at her food. 5 minutes later she looks at me again. i hope shes not a hooker or something. 20 went to the bathroom. looked in the mirror. i have bbq sauce on my chin. oh, okay. makes sense.
okay bye. leaving the balt, heading to nova tomorrow.
k see you tomorrow
so as i bumped into people during the nye party, there were a lot of whatsups and how ya doings. but when theres someone i haven’t seen for quite sometime, the question that arises is “so what do you do now?” what does the question pertain to? JOB. OCCUPATION. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING. basically asking you do from 9-5, not 5-sleepytime. and then the conversation gets boring as fuck. honestly to tell you the truth, 9.9/10 i don’t care what you do for a living. if you were a shoe designer, that would be interesting and i would care. if you robbed casinos with 10 of your friends, that would be something i would love to hear about. but if you are a government contractor or a consultant of whatever, i dont’ give a shit. i’m only asking you cause A) you probably asked me first so i’m just throwin it back out there B) i can’t think of any other questions to kill time with you so we can pass this freaking awkward small talk.
work has invaded social talk. do people really want to talk about what they hate to do for a living at a bar? NO. sometimes i overhear conversations and i think “man, really? come on now.” from now on, if someone asks me what i do for a living, i will just lie completely. that, is my resolution for 2011.
you want to stray away from that question as much as possible. so in the spirit of new things for the new year, here are some more interesting questions you can ask during your next casual small talk.
-whats your favorite color?
-whats your favorite ice cream topping?
-how many ugly people did you see today?
-what did you eat today?
-how do you like your steak?
-if you were a superhero, what would your name be?
guy: hey whats up man
me: hey hows it going!
guy: good, good.
me: so whats your favorite color these days?
guy: uhhh what the fuck
at this point, the person would be so weirded out that he or she’ll want to get away from you. small talk averted. you, are the champ.
this was my night. hold up wait a minute.
i had to go to will call to pick up wally’s ticket, and hurzor had to go pick up his. will call opens at 6, so we went. and of course its not open yet, its cold as fuck, and i have to pee. theres this one guy in a grey suit walking around. this guy looks like he’s 40, and he’s the shit. especially in his suit. only thing is, the pants of his suit look like
so we’re just standing in line and this other guy behind me starts playing music from his phone. wtf. big pet peeve of mine. who says we all want to hear your waiting-in-line play list?
anyways we finally get our shit at 630. the night began with us getting in the hotel and getting in on. not the sex (yet) but with alcohol. all of us got on the same floor of the hotel. at first i thought it was destiny, but then i found out we asked to be on the same floor. anyways, all of us were walking into each other rooms taking shots, drinking beer etc. because we’re going to an open bar place for nye, the best thing to do is to prepare for the worst? RIGHT? WRONG. well, right.
so we got to the venue, its about a mile away. the place looked alright. to tell you the truth, it felt like we were drinking in the food court of the mall with the lights off. wait, thats right. we WERE in a food court in a mall drinking with the lights off. but still, its good to see folks. music was going in and out tho, what the fugg was that about?
as soon as we got there, we’re all fucked up. me wally jenny eunice go to the bar. jenny is beyond drunk and its about 930. theres a girl at the bar. for NO reason, jenny shoves the girl’s head. she turns around and is like wtf? now i didnt see this happen, but then her bf pushed jenny? and then wally pushed him back? i have no idea what the hell this was about lol. anyways, i wanted beer. the only shit they had was black, belv, and patron. so when they meant “top shelf” alcohol, they literally had, just top shelf alcohol lol. but as long as i got my black, its all g.
the “bars” were so packed and the bartenders sucked ass. this is what people do when they’re fed up.
-hannah got so drunk that she just walked into the bartender area and started pouring drinks for people. it was pretty fuckin funny, cause she was wasted and the bartenders were like “uhhh.”
-desperate for alcohol, johnhur went under the table and took a bottle of hennesey lol.
-the bartender was not coming to me at all. so what i’d do? flashed a $100 bill. now i got your fucking attention you asshole. so he came over. got me 2 cups of black. good boy. i gave him $20. LOL. tricked ya, motherfugger.
at this point, either you’re really drunk, or you’re really not. i am blacking in and out at this point. i was trying to dance, but the alcohol was preventing me from moving my feet at an attractable rhythm. johnhur was somehow managing to get drunks while holding eunice up the whole time. tommy was walking around the dancefloor and a guy pushed him. he turned around and was like wtf? it was a small guy. the small guy pushed him again. tommy was thinking “okay its goin down.” but then his girlfriend stepped up. “im sorry he’s mad cause i told him that i thought you were cute.” tommy smiled. what a suckerfucker.
for some reason i just remember watching the big screen and it said 30 seconds til midnight. i looked at my phone and watch. um its already midnight. what the fuck. next morning i found out i kissed about 234324 girls. LOL. my bad yall. i was really drunk.
jenny and julia made wally get the coats at coat check. they took the ticket, but never gave the coats back. so i went, and tried my luck. basically all the coat check guys were black. remember, i was drunk.
me: i gave my ticket, but i never got my jacket back.
black guy: who’d you give the ticket to?
me: um, all yall look alike.
black guy: umm
me: not being racist. but we all look alike too.
black guy#2: you do have a point
so i described the jackets, and he got it. i looked like a hero.
after that, i blacking in and out some more. then i remember going to troy’s and eating some food. next thing i know, i woke up in the bath tub in my hotel room. eunice said she walked in the bathroom and saw me and i gave her the stank eye. i have NO recollection of this. when i woke up my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth. thats how dehydrated i was. eunice and i woke we were struggling for water. i’ve never been so dehydrated in my life. at this point, there was no way im going back to sleep. and we asked everybody. all of us were so dehydrated so we ordered 5 bottles of water from room service.
$30. fuggin hotel. and of course, when steve is fully up and running, he pulls out a hidden bottle of gatorade. “i knew i would be needing this.” and all of us just stare at him with disbelief. “wat the hell man”.
and that was my new years.