two thousand ten
the great thing about this weird holiday limbo (dec-26 to jan-1) is all the recaps websites do. from “top 10 movies” to “top 10 songs”, its always awesome to just sit back and read the best and worst moments of the year. as always, the year goes by in a blink of an eye. i always thought there should always at least one big positive change into adulthood every year for me. did i have one? hell fucking no. i probably stepped back quite a few bit. but have things changed? did 2010 include a change in scenery, meeting new people, reaching goals, and romance? to some, yes. to me? i dont know. well, i guess it started with you know what i know you don’t want to hear my shit so here are my top moments of 2010.
10. brian’s wedding. everything from the actual wedding to the spread of desserts, to getting ridiculously drunk. it was my favorite wedding. its also awesome to see one of my closest friends tie the knot with his awesome bride. but dude this wedding had ice cream, cotton candy, belgian waffles, rice krispy treats, chocolate covered everything, pie, cake, everything that would cause me to go to diabetic shock. and did i mention we got ridiculously drunk? OH yeah and i had the best bridesmaid ever. i fell in love with her. too bad i will never see her again.
9. summer camp. my friends and i volunteered to help out at a summer camp every year. a lot of homo shit happens, the behind the scene stuff happens, but its nothing short of awesomeness. tommy walked into the communal shower with an inflatable on.
8. tommys birthday. a lot of fun things happened that night, but so did a lot of awkward. either way it was fun.
7. the night tommy and wally got really drunk. i took my cousin and sister home, while steve and wasted tommy took wasted wally home, but couldn’t manage both of them so he called me. i arrive at the scene.
steve is yelling at topless wally to get up.
tommy is throwing up on his lawn.
me and steve carry wally up the driveway.
tommy is throwing up on his lawn
wallys pants fall down. and no, we did not take it off.
tommy is throwing up on his lawn.
wallys yelling about something.
tommy is passed out on the sidewalk.
we carry wally in.
tommys back to throwing up on his lawn.
his mom wakes up. stares at us. holding an almost-naked wally. stares at him. stares at us. stares at him.
me: ummm he’s drunk. sorry for making so much noise.
wallys mom: is he okay? wheres his car?
me: its at shikgaek….umm….yeah..
wallys all of a sudden up and walking around. looks at us, thinking his mom can’t see him. whispers to steve “oh man is she awake”
then goes to his fridge looking for food while i have an awkward convo with his mom. THANKS BUDDY.
so we leave, and of course wally runs out the house (still in boxers) and chasing us down in the middle of the road.
6. we got drunk again christmas night. made yet another video. i just had sex, the 3242videos version. starring me, wally, johnhur, and jenny’s body. if you want to see the video, its on youtube. ask me for the link.
5. return to nyc. haven’t been to nyc since 2007, so i forgot how fun it was. and i never knew how a pretty lady like tina can have such a trecherous soul. the shit moments, jiae/tina round1, steve getting assed out, team a vs team b.
4. my birthday. insert memory here.
3. the g6 weekend where wally and tommy deemed the “best night ever.” of course i wasn’t there, because i was stuck in orlando. they gave me the title of the “blitz”. a term commonly used in the show “how i met your mother”. whenever a person misses out on the night, something amazing or ridiculous happens to the group of friends. that person, is the blitz. i, am the blitz. anyways, i missed out on the first night, so the second night i took a 7 hour flight home, got home at 11pm. and the party went on from there and recorded our first music video.
2. return of fun larry and tommy. we’ve been in relationships for a while. but once we became single, we’ve returned to our extreme ways. some may say immature, but to those “some” i say suck me beautiful. all of my friends becoming single again. is it destiny for us to be single for the rest of our lives? hopefully not. but at the moment, who gives a shit? we’re having a great time doing what we do. well, i guess some of us are.
1. the beach. well not the whole trip, but just one particular night. wally and tommy got the most drunk i’ve seen in a long time. to a point where the immortal johnhur came up to me and said “holy shit, im scared. they’re drinking way too much.” i passed out. john hur woke up, looked at his phone and screamed “IMA FUCKING KILL YOU GUYS”. that woke tommy up and he was like “what the hell happened. OH YEAH!” when johnhur passed out tommy put his nutsack on johnhurs neck. wally took johnhur’s phone, took pictures, and posted it on facebook. LOL. a week or two later, wallys drunk again. and says casually “oh yeah! i remember now! i tried to put my nutsacks on his neck too but couldn’t reach. so i just slapped him with my penis.”
lets rate the year, 1-10. 10 being the greatest.
i rate it….6.7.
some may say that 2010 seemed just like a year from 2008 or something. but i say no, my friends. there was a lot of shit i realized in 2010. so 2011, will be the year i take actions to those realizations.
happy new year friends.
cheers.
[a very awkward christmas]
its christmas morning, i am drunker than hell from the night before. i scramble to get to church, make my presence be known to my parents, go back to the apt, watched home alone, and try to nap it out. after i nap, i went back to my parents house for a christmas family dinner. in attendance? my family (minus the sister), my cousins, my cousin’s fam, my cousin’s husband’s brother’s family (wtf).
started off awkward as shit. my cousin and her in-laws came in. while being introduced, i shook the hand of a 10-year old boy. MID hand shake he started crying. and then he threw a fucking fit! like what the fuck did i do to you?! i have no idea why he’s crying but whatever okay. as soon as he got on the couch, he slept the WHOLE time.
20 minutes later my mom’s getting dinner ready, and this guy enters the door with a box of pears. uhmm…who the fuck is that?!
stranger: hi larry
me: uhmm…hi.
stranger: hows living off of 123?
me: uhm… good.
stranger: yeah you’re mom told me.
me: oh…
stranger: you have no idea who i am do you
me: nope.
stranger: hahaha
and he walks away. UM where the fuck was the explanation? so i found my mom in the dining room.
me: hey who is that old guy
mom: oh, thats the guy i set your cousin up with on that blind date.
me: UH what?! does she even know about this?!
mom: i think so
me: so you invited a guy, that she went on one date with, whom she talked to for about 2 hours a month ago, to a family dinner, on christmas night?
mom: whats the big deal!?
me: you really are trying to make this the most awkward christmas dinner of all time arent you.
flashback to one month ago: my mom sets my cousin up on a blind date with the guy. next day i’m taking her and my other cousin to a bar and they’re talking about the guy. “nice guy i guess, but thas about it.” and yep, my mom just invited him to our family christmas dinner. the guy is on our couch watching tv. no one is talking to him. in the spirit of christmas, i started talking to him. yeah, he’s boring as shit.
time for dinner. i sit with my cousins (they’re all girls). my aunt comes up to me and tells me to sit next to the stranger cause he’s kinda sitting by himself. i mutter the word “fuck” about a million times. we eat dinner silently. at this point, the only one talking to the guy is me. like it was a man-date for me. these are the times i miss my sister 
cause i was thinking “we could be making fun of everybody right now”
and after that, played a couple games of pool, and just chilled. my cousin has yet to have a conversation with the stranger. its like they never met. finally, its time for everybody to go home. it got kind of hectic trying to get all the kids and all their shit ready to leave. said merry christmas, the goodbyes, and they left. i’m getting my shit together to leave too until i see something moving in the corner of my eye. something was on my couch.
i turn and look.
what the fuck.
they left the 10 yr boy.
it was like a scene from home alone.
15 minutes later, my cousin comes running in.
cousin: i cannot believe we forgot about him.
that, ladies and gentleman, was my christmas.
[secret santa wishlist]
about a couple weeks ago, our company started getting ready for our annual secret santa gift exchange. but because we have so many new faces here, its pretty hard to shop not knowing what they like. so, to help everybody out, you took a slip of paper, wrote your name, and wrote three things that you liked.
this is what i wrote.
LOL IM SO EXCITED TO SEE WHAT THEY GOT ME. cause if i opened up the paper and saw that i would be like WTF am i supposed to do with this.
tommy, my roomate, is a homosexual.
Tommy: im gonna leave soon
and go to target
Sent at 11:45 AM on Thursday
Tommy: ok im leaving
eff work
eff the man
eff you!
goodbye baby
see you at home
[holiday edition]
yesterday, i found myself in a tad bit of boredom at work. i decided to do some desk cleaning, and opened my drawer. i found wet naps! you know the disinfective shit. and i started to think…whats something that needs cleaning? and i know what you’re thinking mike, tommy, johnhur, bobby. you guys are perverts. i realized my glasses were a little dirty. so put 2 and 2 together and you guessed it. i wiped down my lenses with the wetnaps. in my mind, i expected to wipe it down, put it on, and everything would be crystal clear. the end results were nothing i had expected. i put em on, and they were smudgy as fuck. as i went to get a paper towel, the alcohol evaporating from my glasses were burning my eyes. IT HURT LIKE SHIT. i had to take my glasses off and walk around to get that paper towel. i didn’t put em back on for about 15 minutes cause it was burning like hell. like someone threw a fucking shot of vodka in my eyes. it was a very glassic moment.
———————————————————-
a conversation that happened today.
Robert: heard u having a party tonight
Robert: thanks for the invite
me: huh?
me: im pretty sure i didn’t invite you..
Robert: yeah you didn’t
me: but i guess you’re welcome!
thas funny bob, thas funny. let me remind you of something, about 5 years ago. something i’ve held against you. i can never let this one go. i’ve never told you about this, but i’m going to let it be known to the public today. here is what happened 5 years ago. its saturday, and i just got off working at my parents store. i called bobby.
me: hey bob whatchu doing
bobby: nuthin, what about you?
me: i’m hungry as shit
bobby: yeah me john dahari and roy going somewhere to grab somethin to eat
me: oh real? where you guys going?
bobby: dunno. yeah we’ll call you after we’re done eating.
me: uh-
bobby: iite seeya.
*click.
me: WTF
where was the courtesy invite? the only instance where this wouldve been allowed was if you guys were either a) someone was buying you all lunch, b) you guys were planning a surprise birthday party for me.
and UH, i never got a surprise birthday party that year. i hope i hurt your feelings, bob. cause you hurt mine, 5 years ago.
—————————————–
onto more serious issues, i’ve been sick. pardon my french. i know its the wrong term to use, but just pardon my french. every year, i do my annual christmas gift list to my friends. most of the time its the same shit cause our personalities never mature. but anyways heres the list for 2010.
this is what i’m getting yall for christmas this year
tommy – a simple website will do. www.rogaine.com.
bobby - this christmas, ima give you the gift of taking away your gym membership. there is more to life then working out and drinking muscle milk. oh! and a haircut
wally – an ID. the only 26 year old who can’t get into 21+ places.
steve - anti-sensitivy pill. oh and that picture of you from 2004. when you were fat as SHIT lol. you can go ahead and take that pill now.
dahari - larry’s guide to gaming. yeah you know it.
mary - a plane ticket home, so you can annoy me agane.
johnhur – anger management classes, and jeans where he can bend his knees. and a key to our apartment. oh wait. thats right. you have one.
janehur – i just wrote her name on my list only to upset johnhur.
rory – a mention in my blog should be enough. i didn’t forget you.
slimey mike - a cardboard cutout of bieber, and some lotion.
tina - a feature of you on bully beatdown on mtv. and a chili dog.
jiae – an engagement ring – woot woot
brian and jen – i can’t write anything funny. you’re married now.
julia – a mistletoe, so you can now have an excuse for wanting to kiss me.
robin – some weight. if i could transfer some of my fat, that would be nice.
jenny - an opportunity to ride in an elevator that occasionally loses power with me and tommy/johnhur. inside joke.
scooter – new tags
jrok - i dont know what you like anymore. a tech jersey and a bag of that* should do just fine .
cleezy - a social life. yeah i said it.
woogywips – an autographed copy of “peppy the penguin visits grandma”
paul chung - a digital camera and a mirror.
minki – a date with kyle.
thana - a bottle of liqour so we can get blacked out wasted and then i want someone to walk in wearing an AC milan jersey and then i want to record everything.
* is weed
[jim story #8]
i’m at the jim (gym) getting my work out on. im on a good pace, did some good lifting, sit ups, leg stuff, awesome stuff, etc. time to go back to the treadmill and finish up. theres an old asian guy next to me, he’s been on it, for the whole time i was there. looks like he’s about 50ish. his pace? 1.6. he’s old, can’t hate him for that. its just me and him in there.
so he finishes, and sits down at the cycling area just watching tv. so as i got off the treadmill, he stands up out of the bike, like he’s waiting for me. i cautiously walk to the anti-bacterial paper towel dispenser thing to wipe down machine and walk back to the treadmill. he sits back down on the bicycle. this is weird. i wipe down the machine, and get off. he stands up again, like he’s waiting for me. so…is this guy…waiting for me or something? maybe he’s scared of walking alone? its 8 pm. can’t be. he has a jean jacket on. so i went to the water fountain and he walks behind me. and as i’m drinking water, i use my super human peripheral vision. and yeah, he’s standing there, just watching me. i go do my post work out stretch, and yep, he turns around. i have this feeling he wants to approach me about something. i have no idea what. whatever it is, im just CREEPED THE FUCK OUT. i try SO hard not to make eye contact. he’s standing to the side, jus watching me. i see him in the mirror.
so i want him to leave, but he’s not leaving. i started lifting again, just so he would stop waiting. so i’m fake lifting, and i hear the door close. i sit up, and yes! he’s gone! yay! as get my phone to walk out…i see him again! he’s reading the bulletin board! the sound of the door closing was somebody else coming in! so instead of leaving, i get another drink at the fountain, and i walk back to the bench to do some more fake lifting. anyways he’s standing near me again just watching me. my imagination has gone pretty much chaotic at this point. the sheer paranoia has gotten to its focal point, and now i’m pretty sure he wants to kill me. i have no idea why, maybe i went out with or did his daughter or something. just kidding. my phone is in my pocket. i’m thinking “i gotta get the fuck out of here.” i walk again towards the fountain, get some water, and BAM! BOLT out the door. free at last, free at last, free at last.
larry – 1, creepy serial killer – 0.
now that i think about it, maybe he just wanted to ask me if he could use my phone to call for a ride. oh well.
coming up! next week blog entry special:
-annual holiday gift list for friends
-the drunk tell
[uncomfortable eating]
one of the things i hate the most in life, is eating delicious food in an uncomfortable atmosphere.
yesterday, i had to attend a church youth group meeting at 730. i stopped by chipotle to get a burrito cause i was hungry as hell. its 7:45, i’m at church but where my bitches at? i call the man in charge. “meetings cancelled.” WHAT THE FUCK. thanks for telling me. so what do i do now? i hate cold food. either
A) go to my parents house. but then they’ll be like why the fuck did you buy food and bring it over?
B) just eat at church by myself.
so i ate in the conference room at church by myself. its like a 2nd home for me so its not like i was uncomfortable. anyways i’m watching some youtube, just minding my business. this burrito tastes phenomenal. about 5 minutes later, 2 guys and a girl come in. one of them was rick hyung, and i was cool with him. but the other two i had never seen before in my life. the other guy looked 30ish, and the girl looked 25ish. so i said wassup to rick, and he left to do something. the conference room is pretty fuckin big. let me repeat that. its pretty fuckin big. this guy pulls out his ipad, and a bag of wendys. i thought to myself “oh this guy didn’t eat either.” but this guy sits DIRECTLY in front of me. like WTF. do you not see all this open area? BUFFER ZONE MAN. give me some personal space man.
not only that, he turns on music from his ipad. i HATE that. pet peeve of mine. who says i want to hear your shit too? i was here first, and i already had my videos on! like i said earlier, one of the things i hate the most in life, is eating delicious food in an uncomfortable atmosphere. such a waste of good food, cause the taste goes away. the once phenomenal taste of the burrito has now turned stale. the only thought i had in my mind is “this shit is mad awkward.” oh, but it got even weirder. that girl? yeah she pulls out her iphone. starts taking pictures of the guy, and i’m clearly in her shot. imagine if a unicorn just magically flew through your office. it would be weird right? that didn’t happen, but it was just as weird. after taking pictures of me and my new pal eating, she turned on a K-POP music video.
so lets recap.
-im eating a burrito, trying to watch some youtube
-theres a stranger, who looks like nothing short of a serial killer, is eating wendy’s, listening to korean slow songs on his ipad through the speakers.
-theres a girl standing in front of us, taking pictures, who now started watching a k-pop music video, with the speakers of her iphone blaring.
then it happened. she started learning and practicing the dance choreography of the music video. in front of us. with her north face jacket on and everything. just holding out her phone, watching it, and dancing/following along to the song. its not like a funny soulja boy/dougie kind of dance. its all out k-pop hand flare, leg kick, drop the booty, turn around smile elbow out move. and it wasn’t just 5 seconds of it. it was, the whole entire song. you have got to be fucking kidding me. do you think your on “so you think you can dance???” do i look like a judge to you?
so after eating 3/4 of the now tasteless burrito, i gave up. you guys win. i threw it away, and went home. mooootherrfuckers.
[lion, spear, ostrich]
i had a dream the other night. i was in nyc with a girl. i can’t remember who it was, but it wasn’t somebody i normally hang out with. next thing i know, i’m in the wilderness and we’re hiding behind a fountain. WHY are we hiding? theres a fucking LION behind us. but its not focused on me and the female. its focused on the ostrich. the ostrich starts to run, but the lion just gingerly walks.
girl: looks like the ostrich got away
me: no, i don’t think so. i think the lion’s still gonna catch it.
girl: waht the fuck? HOW? look at that lead.
me: don’t ever underestimate the heart of a lion.
girl: don’t be a fucking idiot.
okay, not that i think about it, it was probably julia in my dream. just then, the lion picks up a spear (YEAH YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT. A SPEAR!) and throws it in the air, and hits the ostrich about 100 yards away, right on the neck. both our mouths drop.
girl: WTF
i dont remember what happened next, but i woke up. today, i googled to find out the interpretation. i typed in, “lion” “ostrich” “spear” “dream”. as expected, nothing came up. so here’s my interpretation: never, underestimate the heart of a lion.
beardy, my bearded coworker is a die hard redskins fan. beardy is old, so he’s an old school die hard fan. whether redskins win or lose, he is never happy with the outcome. i bet even if we went to the superbowl, he wouldn’t be happy. every monday morning, he talks about the same shit:
-mcnabb is the worst quarterback in the world. there were like 234234 players open down field but he doesn’t throw it to them.
-our offensive line sucks
-dan snyder still controls the team
-shanahan is the worst coach in the nfl
-they hold orakpo constantly
-the referees are so horrible.
-then goes on about old school redskin football.
for literally 40 minutes. like are you kidding me?! COME ON MAN. its the same shit EVERY week. not only that, my fat coworker comes in and he complains to him about the same thing. THEN my boss comes in and he says it to them. SO i hear at LEAST 120 minutes worth of the same redskin shit a week. 16 games a season, so I hear it 16 times. 16 x 120 = 1920 minutes a year. 60 minutes in an hour, so thats 32 hours. thats over a days worth. UGH
[Larry's Laws]
mike always talks about my rules. what rules you ask? the rules i follow through my daily routine. i live and die by these rules. well, sorta. i try to, at least. i GUARAN-DAMN-TEE you, that if you choose to follow these rules, you will not only live a time-efficient, healthier lifestyle, but an enjoyable one as well. (this is not the complete list, only ones i could think in 10 minutes. i’ll add more later.) I NOW PRESENT TO YOU…
LARRY’S LAWS.
1. never watch a movie at a theater on a friday or saturday night. unless you have a girlfriend/boyfriend. friday/saturday is a time to socialize.
2. never play hooky on a friday. if you’re gonna take a day off to do nothin but chill, take off monday instead. sure you might be hungover friday, but think about it. everybody is mentally checked out anyways. managers and bosses leave early. why take an easy day off when you can take off the worst day of the week?
3. when your 25+, never make fun of a guy that is not married. that could be you. its okay to state the fact, but never make fun of.
4. batman beyond comes on 5:30PM is batman beyond time. 6-7 is HIMYM time. 10-11 is friends time. 11-12 is HIMYM again time. Tattoo it in your mind.
5. sippin on some wine and grabbing a couple beers during the weekend counts as detox.
6. when wearing something daring, be confident even though the first thing tina does is laugh when she sees you walkin in.
7. never use ketchup when eating fast food fried chicken. theres so many better sauces such as honey mustard, ranch, bbq, sweet n sour, etc.
8. always put the toilet seat back down after peeing when you’re in a girls bathroom. also say you did it cause then it seems like you took a shit.
9. when eating at a restaurant, always ask to substitute the side of vegetables with another side of potatoes. having two potato sides is better than one. not even when you’re on a diet. if you’re on a diet, order a salad. stupid.
10. always take pictures of people doing stupid things. now you have something to use against them.
11. if a person is driving slow in the left lane, it is your duty to cut them off once you have past them.
12. when asking to be seated at a restaurant, always do a +1 with a group of 3-4 guys, +2 with a group of 5-6. +3 with a group of 7-10 guys. cause A) someone might come last minute, B) you have a little bit more room to sit.
13. Never stand in line behind fat people for anything. Unless you want shade. They take too long, or order too much.
14. If there is a van in the drive thru line, go inside. most likely their ordering for a family.
15. Eat out for lunch on Mondays.
16. Buy something online Wednesday or Thursday, so you can get it by Monday. That way, you have something to look forward too.
17. Put in gas during work hours. Using company time, not your own.
18. if theres a house party, without going out beforehand, i WILL pass out. and my friends WILL shove shit in my mouth and take pictures of me. okay thats not a rule, but man that shit just always happens to me.
19. in the car, 1:30 into the song…thats enough. next song.
20. if you’re gonna post a blog, post it before 3:00pm. more readers that way. if its after 3:00, save it for the next day.
21. Always, and i mean ALWAYS, be Alt-TAB ready.
more to come later.
[family church moments]
got some food in me. i’m ready to write, and you are ready to read.
last night, i had to go to church. i’m Catholic, so there are random days in the year that i have to attend mass, and yesterday was one of them. i rarely sit with my parents, and NOW i remember why. my dad wants to believe that i am a marine. i want him to believe that i am those whacky inflatable arm things in front of car dealerships. or like jello in the wind. everybody knows i can’t sit still. but me pops? he thought since i was 27 and all, i’ve passed the shaking-leg, leaning forward, then leaning back, and wobbling around phases. one kid, probably 10 years old, two rows in front of me looked at me. i made a funny face. he stuck his tongue out at me. i shook my fist at him. my dad nudged me. gave me the “act your age” look. i gave him the “he started it” look.
minutes have passed. i grew weary of sitting like a robot so i started to reminisce about the days when my friends and i used to sit when we were kids. next thing i know my sister sits down next to me. she was like 20 minutes late. minutes passed again. so the priest is up there, talking about….shiet i dont know. it was all in korean. my sister and i are bored. i look at my dad. wow. this guy is passed the fugg out.
i nudge my sister. i leaned forward so she could see. we started geeking out for about 10 minutes. you know those moments where your body just convulses cause you can’t make any noise, so its even funnier than it actually is? yeah it was one of those moments. my sister looks around.
sister: i think he’s praying. theres a lot of people closing their eyes.
me: ? i dont think so. thats not a praying face.
so i stare at my dad some more. then i saw it. his head fell forward a little. sat back up straight. his head fell forward again!
me: yeah, he’s definitely sleeping.
and then my sister and i geek out some more.
did i nudge him? no. my dad works long hours so he deserves some rest. but during church? i thought of how pissed off he would be if i poked him with a safety pin. why a safety pin? from 7-12th grade, my dad woke me up by poking me with a safety pin. and every morning, was pretty much an argument about why he would do such a thing.
random thought: eeyore and charlie brown are the most depressing cartoon characters of all time.
charlie brown
imagine hanging out with charlie all day. complaining, complaining complaining. the only thing he should be able to complain about is his unusual baldness. he has a funny dog, that can walk on two legs. that can dress up like a pilot. he’s the pitcher of his baseball team, he’s the kicker of his football team, manages a band, and has lots of friends. what the fugg are you so sad about all the time?
and
eeyore. okay he’s always looking for his tail. but look how alive tigger, pooh, and piglet are! get with your shit!
k bye
[hey sister]
my beautiful, smart, diabolical sister of 25 years is migrating out towards the west this weekend. once again, i congratulate you, and wish you the best of luck. we love you and we’ll miss you!
if you know the relationship between my sister and i, you know that its freakin weird. but thas how we are, thas how we grew up, and thas how we get along. a lot of people who don’t know us well say we don’t look anything alike. once i take my glasses off, you’ll see the similarities. we pretty much act the same around our friends, too. “desperately seeking for attention” lol. its only when we are around strangers, our differences in personality show. my sister handles well with strangers, while i on the other hand, have grown more and more shy throughout the years. why? shit i dont know. its weird.
and i am proud to admit that, even though i’m two years older, my sister has always been the smarter; the one that had her head on straight. when i was getting B’s and C’s, my sister always got A’s. the funny part was, when I got C’s my parents just gave me the “sigh” look. When my sister got a B+, my parents sent her to the dungeon. my parents probably never admitted it, but my sister was the smartest one in the family. she had my mamas work ethic, and my pop’s brains. even when it came to writing, she was always better. for instance, her opening blog entry:
The best part about packing is sorting through the layers of memories buried under fancy stationery and regret. Handpick the ones that matter and ditch the rest — there’s no room for baggage when I’m traveling light.
versus mine.
tommy kim is a big gay loser
LOL. like for real. that was my opening blog entry. anyways, good luck mary. say hi to 2pac, the beautiful beaches, warm weather, and kobe for me. but don’t say hi to “in and out” though. that place is OVER RATED. you heard me.
love ya, and stop eating just the fish part of the sushi roll. the rest is good too.
[holiday movies are sick]
i think i am getting sick. up until early college, i rarely got sick. maybe i was, and i just didn’t know it. my mom was one of those “i don’t care if your bleeding from the eyes, you’re still going to school” type of moms. i remember one time i got a toothpick up my foot on thanksgiving (its a long fuckin story), had surgery that weekend, and she made me to go school on monday. with ONE CRUTCH. i mean, its not like we were poor or anything…but like she was trying to make me stronger or something. SUPERFAIL INDEED MOTHER. i looked like fuckin asian tiny tim with glasses on. ANYWAYS, it was the middle of my college years when i started getting sick often. i remember it perfectly. it was during winter break. i jus ate a lot of ice cream and watched a shitload of television. i passed out in my basement. woke up shivering, and thought i was going to die. since then, my immune system has been shot.
today, is about my 160th day in a row that i have been somewhat “healthy.” as in not sick. i’ve been keeping a record of how many days. as you walk in our apartment, the first thing you see is a white board that says “days that larry hasn’t been sick”. yep, thats my counter. but when you have friends like wally and johnhur, the “days that larry hasn’t been sick” sign can magically turn into a vulgar “days that larry hasn’t had dick.” sigh.
its christmas time everybody. feeling festive yet? here is my list of favorite holiday movies.
- merry christmas charlie brown. someone took my fuckin dvd. give it back asshole.
- its a wonderful life. i love classics, and this shit makes you feel good. i love that stewart fellow. LOL except the fact that he was a racist. actually im not sure, but im pretty sure i read that somewhere.
- home alone 1, and 2. this shit is a must. before mac culkin’s face got elongated and distorted, he was the cute kid who somehow got left home two christmases in a row. like how the fuck does that EVER happen? either way, great movie.
- love actually! come on now. theres no way you can not like this movie.
- ELF. LOL there is no way you cannot laugh watching this movie. where he puts syrup on everything. LOL.
- muppet christmas carol. my sister and i used to watch this a lot. i still think its funny.
speaking of movies,
anybody wanna watch harry potter with me? i’ll give you 50 cents.
[a pie chart]
K Street, Park, and every other club has a flyer up. Its the biggest party of the year!
[its friday]
its friday today. hip hip whore-ay.
i went to the jim the other day. i’ve packed a few pounds over halloween and thanksgiving so i’ve been trying to get BACK that greek god body that i once had. so i’m there on the eliptical doing my thing. two guys walk in. they looked like average joes. not big, not tiny. guys who look like they do a little work out after a long day at the office. okay so i’m not the biggest jim rat, and i’ve never had a personal trainer, but i have witnessed people stretching out other people and spotting each other on the bench, etc. i’ve seen those. and i’ve never, EVER, watched gay porn but i felt like i was in the middle of one. those two guys just made me cringe. they were like the ambiguously gay duo. like sharing a yoga ball, straddling each other? rubbing the inner thigh “it burns right there right? yeah well it should!” and so usually when one guy is on the bench, people sometimes yell to motivate. this one guy bends over near the crotch and starts to yell. it looked like he was yelling at his crotch. if symbols could appear over my head, there would be a definite question mark. i think if i started doing that to bobby or tommy, they would just punch me in the face. wally would giggle cause he likes that.
weekend goals:
watch either harry potter or love and other drugs
win 5 billion dollars
spend less than 100 on alcohol
buy a beanie
and not go to k street.
make it to my sunday school class on time to teach not reeking with alcohol
try not to be awkward at dinner tonight. yeah, you read that right. i said that publicly.
have a great weekend yall!
k bye
[why don't i wear contacts]
mikey asked me “why don’t you ever wear contacts?” that is probably one of the world’s biggest mysteries. there is a legend that i came out of my mothers womb with glasses on. contrary to popular belief, that is not true. but i did wear glasses at a very young age. ever since i could remember, my daily routine was to wake up, and put my glasses on. and about 25 years later, i still do the same routine. to give you a little history, i present to you…important moments in my glasses timeline:
1986 - my parents think i need glasses. they experiment by putting my dad’s glasses on me. they laugh and take a picture. i look like a special child.
1989 (guessing) – my mom buys me my favorite pair of glasses. it had mickey mouse on the side. gangsta!
1989, two days later - i find out that mickey mouse is out of style, and is the total opposite of gangsta. and now i am referred as the big head kid with “mickey mouse” glasses.
1994 - Goodbye mickey mouse glasses. hello square glasses!
1997 - i had a routine in middle school. my dad woke me up, cause i couldn’t wake up by myself. he made sure i went to the bathroom to wash up. i sat on the laundry basket, and went back to sleep for a good 10 minutes. one morning, i forgot that i had put my glasses on the laundry basket, and so i sat on them. i wore crooked glasses for 2 days. that was kind of embarassing. goodbye square glasses, hello circle glasses!
2001 – goodbye circle glasses, hello square glasses!
2002 february – i get in a fight at jmu and they broke my glasses. LOL REMEMBER THAT SHIT? jmu football players vs me jason richard ddang cleezy and xtina. i get contacts, and they fix my glasses. i get tested for glaucoma. that was kind of freaky.
2002 – i lose all the right eye contacts. i’ve worn contacts twice.
2003 - black frames are totally in style. glasses are a fashion statement. what a bunch of posers.
2004 winter – i go skiing. my skis get caught on something and i sling shot forward, and hit a patch of ice. mild concussion, glasses broken, and a huge scare on my forehead. yeah, i looked like harry potter. i never ski right again.
2004 - george mason university, johnson center. there is a huge box of water balloons outside with a sign “take one.” and there is a video camera recording. must be a weird social experiment. johnhur takes one, looks at me, and throws it RIGHT at my face! my glasses fall off. i yell “ahh! my glasses!”. the phrase is born.
2006 – people are wearing glasses without lenses. they still wear glasses as a fashion statement. i wear glasses to live.
2007 - i’m washing my feet at the beach and there is a blinding pain in my groin. julia kicked a soccer ball at my nuts from like 12 feet away. i ponder…would i rather get hit in the face and risk breaking my glasses? surprisingly, yes.
2008 – i get new glasses. no one notices.
2010, summer – i’m driving home from a trip. i got trashed the night before. i get a text from johnhur. “do your glasses smell penis-y?”. i found out that he put my glasses on his penis when i was passed out. i can never look at my glasses the same way again.
2010, winter - i write a blog about my glasses. how lame.
but WHY don’t i wear contacts? that is the question. if i wore contacts, no one would notice me. i believe that only a select few would recognize me. i bet you, that if i went clubbing, and wore something out of the ordinary, no one would say hi to me. it is who i am. it is my identity. halloween 2011. mark that date. larry’s costume? contacts. thats right. it will be the debut of….lawrence park. dun dun dun.
in actuality, this is me with glasses
and… this is me without glasses.
BOOYA.
pictures are fun arent they? lets do more!
i carry this chart in my wallet to remind myself.
cleezy likes to eat hot dogs behind people.
k bye
