1. when i was young, i wanted to be an actor, or a writer, or a dancer, or a non-kid-touching-version of michael jackson, a comedian, or a ninja. never did i ever, once thought about having a career in information technology. thats why i’m in marketing. LOL.
2. i’ve been telling people that i’m 30 for the past 2 months or so. its easier that way. “how old are you?” “29″ “stop kidding yourself you’re 30.” this way its easier.
3. every morning when i wake up i get ready and i look in the mirror. and i always think “are you currently the man you wanted to be in your life? and if not what will you do to change that?” it always reminds me of that michael jackson song. thriller.
4. i didn’t know how to spell the word “tomorrow” until last year. i blame microsoft for automatically fixing it
5. tommy and steve have been my best friends since we were born.
6. my biggest enemy is the demon inside me. and a church girl (currently in high school) who once yelled at me and i was so shocked  that i had no response. i wouldn’t spit on her if she was on fire.  i would dump a bucket of water on her and call 911.
7. when i was young, i wanted to move out of my parents house and live with my best friend. and i did exactly that. you may think thats cute, but when you really think about it, its kinda gay.
8. the way i talk depends on the atmosphere. i have different personalities and voices for each. kids at church think i talk a little too urban. thats weird, cause i’m from great falls virginia. have you ever fuckin been to great falls virginia
9. when i watch nba playoffs or watch march madness, it gets me pumped, and makes me want to play basketball. and thats what i do.
10. i still think ima good driver with all the tickets i’ve gotten. the law dont mean shit
11. when i tell people i’m playing basketball, i’m usually in my room, playing basketball. on my ps3.
12. when people ask me what my favorite type of music is, i say rap and hip hop. that is a motherfuckin lie. its pop. i like boy bands and all that gay ass shit. ill pump that 99.5 shit all day err day.
13. i think that if everybody had 5% of a heart like my pops, the world would be at peace
14.  i have no idea what any of my friends really do. and i don’t care as long as they’re happy.
15. my closest black friend is gerald. and he is my only black friend. if you know us, you know that we’re not even  close. shit i dont think he even remembers me.  but thats just my point. i barely have any. sorry gerald if you read this and feel awkward.
16. i prefer being alone during the week, around people on weekend. people tend to think i have to be around people all the time.
17. when i’m at jimmy’s (gym) i don’t ever do the same workout as the person next to me cause i dont want them to think i’m copying them
18. when i run i listen to slow jams, pop songs, and songs that remind me of bad moments of my life. makes me angry and makes me want to run .
19. i have dance moves that will make you fall in love with me. i have a singing voice that will make you shove a pencil in your ear
20. the only people who call me “lawrence” are people at work, and some ahjumas at church. and apparently johnhur on my birthday.
21. the two people that can make me laugh the most are jason and wally. maria from korea. and sometimes robin
22. i like attention, yes i do. and most people know that. but i only like it when i earned it. not given. thats why i dont really like my birthday.
23. the worst first impression i ever made to my friends were to roy and bobby. and…i was just…being…myself.
24. if you are a girl, and you see that i’m studdering and acting a little awkward, thats because i probably think you’re hot. thats why its so easy to talk to julia. LOLOLOLOL ::)
25. i’ve never defriended anybody on facebook, but i found out that i’ve been defriended by plenty. i don’t think its a big deal, i just unsuscribe from their posts. but when they try to friend me again, i dont’ accept it.
26. i hate trance/techno music. cept dj sammy.
27. i never listen to christian music in my car because bad things always happen to me when i do.
28. i help out at my church a lot. but people don’t really know why. to say simply “because i am a man of God,” would be a lie. i can’t really say my faith is strong. and i DEFINITELY can’t say that i have the answers. truth is, its probably the opposite. i’m still learnin, or at least tryin to. this little segment isn’t about my faith, isn’t about my religion. and you’ll never, ever, hear me preach about it.  its really about my church. say what you will, but because of my church, i am who i am today. because of my church, i’ve had the VERY RARE opportunity to literally grow up with my best friends along with meeting some amazing people.  i was blessed, and i help out because i owe something to it. and to the people who go/did go, think about it. lol and if im wrong, then oops sorry dude.
29. my sister and i have had our battles, and we will have plenty more. but i still love her. and the only thing i look forward to on my birthday is what weird-ass-shit she’ll be sending me. this year…. she sent me this.”peace out to your twenties, bro”
    
30. i’m pretty much going to say the same shit i said last year. and i’ll probably say this for the rest of my life cause i do believe its true. people say “you’re getting old dude/man/oppa/hyung/buddy/*igga/son”. that is true, but i think getting old is a blessing. ESPECIALLY with all the crazy shit in this world. sure you can’t really do the same things you did when you were young, and of course you lose some opportunities. but memories are priceless. if u know me, i’ve had a lot of fun, too much fun, with awesome, loving people for the past 30 years. would i trade in a memory to be one year younger?

thanks, sam. memories are priceless, so i’m rich bitch.

i love you all. thank you.

-lp

i don’t smoke as much as i used to, and i rarely smoke at work. but today, since it was nice, i smoked half a cigarette after lunch, and threw it in the cigg-butt plastic bin thing. you know what im talking about.

so i’m back at my desk, doing my thing. my coworker, mulli, runs up to me, out of breath, laughing.

me: what
mulli: you know what you almost did right

and yeah you guessed it. somehow my cigarette never went out in the bin, and the whole thing just caught on fire. my other coworker was walking by the window, and saw smoke outside. he looked at it. stared at it nonchalantly. he went to mulli. “um yeah, somethings on fire.” for some reason, thats all he did. mulli ran outside and put it out.

i thought that shit was fire proof.

also, this is pretty much what happened.

——————————————————————————–

on easter sunday i went to my parents to chill after church. my plan was to chill there, eat dinner, go home and whatevs. my parents come up to me and tell me “we’re meeting up your aunt for dinner in annandale. so, no dinner together for us.” aw oh well. i’ll just kick it with my grandma-ma and just meet up church folk.

an hour later my parents call me.
pop: your cousin wants to see you
me: oh she’s there? shoulda told me sooner. im on my way out though
pop: just come to the restaurant
me: fine

so let it be known i’m in my tank top, khakis, whatever. i still go to the restaurant cause that is how immaturely roll. and she is one of the very few cousins i like.

bam my whole family minus my sister the blister, and me. and this stranger. and eveyrbody is dressed nicely. oh dear gahd you guessed it.

pop: this is a engagement dinner. you could’ve at least worn a shirt.

what the hell! someone coulda told me! not only about the engagement, but the engagement dinner in general. however, this was one of those rare occasions where i knew news before my sister. so i texted her the story of how our parents didn’t tell me about the dinner. and her text back:

sister: whoa whoa whoa. why would you wear a tank top to anywhere

she kinda missed the whole point of my story.

this is like that time, where i came home from vcu one day, and tommy and steve are talking about my cousins wedding, while i was thinking
-wait, she’s engaged? wait, she got married? wait, my family went? wait, yall went? wait, so my whole family went, including my friends, but no one thought of telling me about it?

-lp

so as some of you may know, this girl, has been living in my room at my parents house. her name is tina. she is my mom’s friend’s cousin’s whatever the hell i dont know the relationship but case in point, she’s living at my parents house, in my room, with all my comics.  shes pretty much the offspring my parents always wanted, kinda. ivy league school, fluent in english and korean, worked for google, left all that to work for the catholic church, and super religoius. shes not pretty though. and pretty nerdy. but after a while, i think my parents realized that having a super studious “perfect” kid wasn’t all that great, cause she’s boring as HELL. this is what she looks like

so shes moving back to seattle, and my mom wanted to have a goodbye dinner for her. so i walk in the restaurant, and theres a chinese dude next to tina. apparently he’s a “friend” of hers. i sit next to her, and she, for some odd reason, explains to me why the hell we’re having dinner together as a “family.”  she then thanks me, for letting her use my room.  which is sweet, but then she puts her hands together in praying form, and bows to me, while we’re sitting down. like how the fuck am i supposed to respond to that? bow back?  anyways, the thing about tina is, she always makes me feel like shit.

“you should hang out with your gramma more.” (i do go see her, probably not as much as i should, but i do see her often. unlike my piece of shit cousins. yeah i said it)
“you shouldn’t smoke”
“you shouldn’t be late to church”
“you shouldn’t HAVE ANY FUN WHATSOEVER” (she didn’t really say that, but you get it)

im sure its not her intention because she IS somewhat nice, but i just get the feeling she doesn’t think ima good guy. like the devil’s son or something.   i can honestly say that she doesn’t like me as a person.

why do i say that? so here’s the meat of the story.  this is something my sister, julia, narae+ allyson/juniorgirls wouldn’t even do. and my sister has done some crazy jokes on me in the past. so we’re eating dinner and i joke around.
me: did you get to read any of my awesome comics while you were living in my room? i have the whole calvin and hobbes collection! hahaha
tina: um, aren’t you almost 30? what are you doing with those?
me: hey tina, go fuck yourself.
sike i didn’t really say that, but thats what i was thinking.

so dinner is over, and my mom and her are done lecturing about my smoking. my pop is talking to tina’s male friend. in korean. i dont think my pop got the memo that he doens’t speak korean, cause he’s freakin chinese. and suddenly…

tina: OMG i want a family picture!!
mom: okay lets!!!
pop: mmhmm sure
me: sigh.

i hate taking pictures with my family, because it becomes an ordeal. thats another story for another time.

but anyways, fuck it i’ll just take one, get it over with so i can say bye to this girl and go home.
tina: okay let me take a photo of just you two (my parents)
she takes a photo of them.
tina: okay ima sit with them (my parents). chinese guy (iforgotherfriendsname), can you take one of us?
mom: okay larry you get in this too
me: sigh fine
tina: how about you sit this one out?
me: …..??
tina: i’ll take one with them first, and then you can jus jump in later

what the fuck? she literally said that. i was actually texting my sister the play-by-play cause i was so shocked. “jump in” like ima photobomb, a family picture. apparently, this “family” includes my parents, and HER. and some straggly ass guy named larry. oh but it gets better.

they take about 4 of the same damn shot. i mumble “wow…what a big happy fuckin family.” that one i really said. my mom waves me to come in.
tina signals me to stop.
tina: wait we’re gonna take a couple more.

so they take about 3 more.
tina takes her phone. my mom and her look at the photos.
tina: wow! these came out great!

tina puts her phone in her pocket.
tina: okay we can go home now.

what. the. fuck.

hey tina, i didn’t want to get in that picture anyway. but before you go, i hope you read this, and see this.

fuck you

so i work with a bunch of chemical engineers, and a lot of them aren’t american citizens. most of them are from india. one of the engineers, lets call him kaly, is my age.

my  manager is on vacation, and a client is visiting. before my boss left, he told me “hey, since i’m going to be gone, can you take kaly and the client to dinner? you know the normal wine and dine stuff.” i said “sure.”

so later that day, i ask the client where he wants to eat. he says “hey man i’m really tired, so lets eat somewhere near my hotel.” i again, agree and ask him whats a nearby place he would like to go to. “i guess olive garden.” i know. olive garden? but again, dudes tired, so i agreed.

me: ay john wants to go to olive garden. guess we’re eating there.
kaly: oh really? i’ve never been to olive garden. im excited. (indian accent)

kaly is real nice guy. my lady coworkers call him a “sweetheart.” so lets remember. he’s from india here on a work visa, doesn’t really go out much, smart as shit, and a really nice guy.

so i order a soup, so does the client. and the waitress brings out the regular salad. if you high class folk never been to olive garden, they give you an unlimited amount of salad and breadsticks, which is to share as they do in “italian” families.

so the waitress hands us our plates and puts the salad bowl in the middle. looked exactly like this.

“i like pepper in my salad.” kaly takes the pepper and sprinkles some. i thought “okay woulda been nice if you asked us first but go ahead man.”

kaly, then takes the bowl moves his plate to the side, and JUST EATS FROM THE BOWL. i kid you not. IMAGINE, a grown ass man, eating salad from a salad bowl. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS NOT TO LAUGH? because thats  the biggest mooshikhahn thing he could’ve done. obviously he didn’t know we were supposed to share, but we just stared at him eating the whole damn thing. “oh gosh they give you a lot.”

no shit kaly. it was for all of us.

we don’t say anything because we don’t want to make him feel embarassed.

today after work, i stopped by the mailbox to see what was up.

i saw a package. i automatically thought, hm, what did tommy order? even though i do order a lot of shit online, i knew it wasn’t mine. why? i always ship stuff to my parents house cause i know my gramma is home and she always signs for it.

but strangely, the package said “larry park.”
odd, i thought. i never ordered anything from this company. i curiously opened it up, kinda excited. my excitement was suddenly shot down by creepiness.

what did i find?
a tank top.
with a picture on it.
a picture of me.

who would do this?

at first you think its funny. if a friend did this, thats kind of funny, but kinda weird at the same time. you coulda chose a series of other, less expensive funny items.

at first i thought it was sallie and rachel, whos phone i took to take that picture. it was at the bowling alley about a few months ago. and sallie knows my address. but then after questioning them, they seemed genuinely clueless. and plus, they can’t afford it. and plus i don’t even really talk to them so it would be random. its like me sending a creepy present to….lets say Thana (sorry man, u and i know we don’t really talk much lets agree on that) but thats how weird it would be.  theyre in college. and that would be a waste of money. and this isn’t something they would be clevereepy enough to think of.

could it be a promotional gift from the company who produced it?
possible right? hardly.  i’ve never ordered anything from them. i dont even have an account with them, so they can’t know my address. and the picture is on my facebook account! they would literally, have to be a fb friend to produce that picture. unless rachel, decided to show the world a picture of me. which is possible, cause lets face it, i’m amazingly good looking.

even if this was done by any of my friends, not many of them know my actual address. they know where i live, but they don’t really know my address. could tommy be in on it? nope. said he has no idea. and we all know tommy is a terrible liar, unless he took acting classes. but why would he spend all that money to play a prank? it would be easier to draw on my face while i was sleeping, or write “i like penis” on my facebook account when i’m not looking.

either way, its weird. especially when i wear it.

funny and weird.

who did this.

come forward now!

fyi, by ANY slim chance this is some kind of weird stalker, lets remember: if you’re gonna get me gift, i like hipster clothes, electronics, alcohol, chocolate, shoes, and cars.

k i love you bye bye

redskins won. hail yeah. HTTR. u know the deal. goood gahd i hope rg3 is okay.

but pacman lost. that was sad. its done, its over for pacquaio. that was sad as hell. part of me died when he fell. good gahd, for a second we thought he died. they were checking his fuckin pulse. its really sad that his reign is over, but man. bye bye freddie roach. but at least good things come out of it.

presenting the memes

at first this is what happened.

one night of clever thinking, here comes the memes.

get up dad!

are you okay manny

passed out on the bench

hulk hogan leg drop

pac man line

LOL

pacman in the hood

pacman playing slip and slide

tanning

crater!

but at least